The evil Pineapples
by Geldidastulto
Summary: A poor regular, well as regular as you can get, guy named Ted, ends up in a show he never really paid attention to. Now he has to face other men hitting on him, long hair, and perfection. Not to mention a few bloody deaths here and there, and a pineapple body guard. Just another day in the life of Theodore Valiant Prince. Rated M for crude humour. **COMPLETED**
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer:**_ _**Because I have to do this, I don't own **_SAO_**. Nor do I own the original plot, characters, or any product named in this story. All I own is my OCs, the humour, and anything of value here. Heh heh**__**.**_

_**Disclaimer Two:**_ _**You are entitled to criticism, fangirling/fanboying, reviewing, and hating. I will not listen to most complaints unless they are valid, as in aren't just random disliking. If there are any problems with spelling, grammar, odd OOCness, and or anything else, please tell me the place and what's wrong so I may fix it. Although that is highly unlikely.**_

_**Disclaimer Three:**_ _**If you are by any chance, injured while reading this, i.e because of this being far too entertaining for simple minded folk, then it is not my fault. You read at your own risk. I will not accept PMs about how this story killed your sibling, cousin, bestie, relative, acquaintance, neighbor, random stranger, dog, bird, yourself or friend. (Only fish and frogs are allowed, but only because I don't like them.) Just please go die with them, and the problem is solved. See? I knew we could get along.**_

It all started with a pineapple. But then again, doesn't it always? Why can't it begin with a pear? Or a lego? Legos are powerful, I mean, they do literally rule the world, with their unbeatable skills, and the pain they can cause. So my question is, why a pineapple, and not a lego? Now, back to how this all started; I was just walking down the road to my house, well, more like apartment. Screw that, large cardboard box that was connected to other cardboard boxes. I had to pick up dinner for Mumsy and The Dude. In case you're wondering, Mumsy and The Dude are pet cats I have. I don't know my real parents because they died when I was young, and my evil Lego ambassador of an aunt raised me. She was the kind that would let you get away with anything as long as you didn't interrupt her soap operas. Let's thank bunjangles that I don't live with her anymore, a teenage boy can only take so much sappy drama before he magically turns into a sparkle. I heard that one guy, who played some badass character from something, got hired to play another badass character, but the plot of the movie was so gay that he started to sparkle twenty minutes in. I've been told that he was never the same again, and couldn't stop sparkling, so he tried to kill himself in Italy or something.

Well, enough of this sob story, and back to the pineapple. So when I finally managed to get to my home, which is on the seventh floor in downtown Syracuse New York, there was a large package sitting on the bottom step of the first floor. Of course, being the oblivious idiot that I am, and carrying many bags in my arms, I was unable to see said box on stairs, and tripped over it. As you might be able to tell, I have terrible luck.

"Oi! Kid, what are you doing?" Now for you foreigners, a.k.a, everyone besides central New Yorkers, our accent is not Jersy, nor is is Brooklyn. We sound like a mix of northern Missouri, and Canada. Mostly Canadian though, just a little louder, blunt, and slightly snobby. So every word we say, is pronounced the way it is spelled for the most part.

"Uh, sorry?" My landlord, a large burly man with dirty blond hair and a ginger beard, (common in those parts because of the high percentage of Germans and Irish) strutted over to me with a rather impassive look.

"You went and tipped the box over asshole. That had fresh fruit from New Guinea." I glanced at the spilled contents. Pineapples. The very bane of my of my soon to be ended existence.

"Ah, s-sorry 'bout that." I wasn't actually sorry, because he probably put it there on purpose, but its not like I could actually tell him that. The man was at least twice my height, and six times my weight. Well, more like half a foot taller, and three times my size, but still. Landlord, skinny half-starved punk, fully grown middle-aged man, nineteen year old who looked twelve.

"If you're really sorry, then I expect an extra fifty cents in rent next week. I'll keep tract of you, Ted, so there's no escaping." Oh darn, I was so looking forward to flying away on a rainbow poptart into the sunset with Kermit the Frog and Leonardo DiCaprio. In all seriousness though, Landlord and I actually got along well. This is just like an uncle playing a joke on his nephew.

"I'm kidding Ted. You always take everything I say too seriously. Go drop off you things, and then come join me for some of these juicy pineapples." I gave Landlord a nod, and scurried up the stairs, that jackass just loves to tease me. Or at least he did until the yellow spiked fruit had its way. Curse that evil fruit who was in league with the Danish folk. The masterminds of legos. Back to my untimely demise.

Later that day, as in ten minutes, I rushed down the stairs to Landlord's room, and knocked on his door. Mrs. Landlord answered, and we all sat down at their table to eat the deadly sliced thing. About two minutes after that, I had successfully started choking on a very small piece of fruit, and then another two minutes later, I died.

And that, is how my real life began. Some twist huh? Died by the very thing I tripped over, roughly fifteen minutes before. And on my second anniversary of freedom from Vegan fairies. At least I think they were fairies…. I mean, they lived in the woods, far away from everyone else, sparkled in the sunlight, were vegetarians, and seduced young teenage girls. I think in reality they were actually like a family of lame supermans. Anywho, I was dead, because I choked on a piece of pineapple that I had previously knocked onto the floor, right after coming home from work at the library. That's the important thing here. Not sparkly villainous vegan elves that were friends with Wolfman and Cinderella. I think? Blah, back to me, because like we just agreed, I'm more important.

I bet you're thinking that I'm not actually dead, because I am sitting here telling you all this. But I am dead. And I also bet that some of you are thinking; just get on with the story already! You're taking forever to get to it! Well all I have to say to you is; this is my memoirs, don't like how I do things, then I curse you to step on legos each morning right after getting out of the shower for the rest of your life.

Now,onto my funeral. I was there, in my coffin, and also kind of hovering over everyone. Which consisted of my wealthy Grandparents who hated my guts, my lego ambassador aunt, Landlord and Mrs. Landlord, my two cats Mumsy and The Dude, my ex-girlfriend Payton, who was with her new boyfriend Kyle, my ex-best friend (same) Kyle, my boss, and the super nice and hot woman next door named Anne Kimbel. Oh how I missed Anne Kimbel and her huge bazonkas. Her personality was great too, but those milk jugs were a gift to mankind. Too bad she was asexual. Not that that's a bad thing for her. Just disappointing for the male population. But that was it, and the service was super short too. And I was buried in some rundown spooky graveyard. Not cool. Especially since I happened to be a ghost at the time. Its just so, typical, and boring.

I'd say it was about three hours after sundown, so around 11:00 at night in mid June, when I felt this tugging around my neck. Not anything painful, but like still there. Then the next thing I knew there was a large shining pineapple in front of me wearing sunglasses, and a speedo.

"Theodore Valiant Prince!" Don't hate my name please. I already hate it enough.

"You desecrated the holy pineapple lord! As punishment, you are cursed to live a horrible fate in another world!" And thats when another pineapple showed up.

"Shut up Karl! You have it all wrong." Second Pineapple smacked first pineapple with leaf.

"Uh, my life was ready pretty horrible, so…"

" ….." I was ignored.

"It's: you get to live a new life in a new world because you died young and at the hands of the traitorous prince Pineapple. Because you were an innocent casualty, we are apologizing by giving you a second chance at life." The first pineapple made an 'ah' sound and turned back to ghost me, who was pouting over being ignored by two pineapples with sunglasses and speedos.

"Sorry about that Theodore Valiant Prince. What he said." That was the first time I ever sweat dropped.

"Uhhh"

"No you idiot! Its that's what she said, not what he said!" No this was not some story I fabricated in my rotting brain so my afterlife would seem more amusing.

"Well, anyway, take the new life kid." Second Pineapple tossed one of his/her leaves at me, and then disappeared. And then my world faded into dark. No I didn't faint. Everything just went black. Anyway, thats how my life began because of a pineapple.

_**END OF CHAPTER ONE**_.


	2. Chapter 2

_**CHAPTER TWO:**_

_**A/N: Okay, so here's number two. Would it kill a few souls to review? I always make these awesome stories, with rather good plotline, and kind of good grammar/spelling, yet no one ever reviews them! There are a billion (more like several hundred) stories far worse than mine, that get tons of reviews for nothing. And in like no time at all. Is it because I don't blackmail with no future chapters? Or that I don't beg? I respect your decisions to not give me some feedback, but honestly, it makes keeping the drive going difficult. SO REVIEW! I like this story, but without any motivation, it will die just like the others. And I KNOW that the world will suffer from that. **_

_**DISCLAIMER: LOOK AT CHAPTER ONE!**_

I have no idea how long I floated around in the black hell of hellish blackness. It could have been ten millenniums, but it didn't matter to me. I'm not sure to put this, but the space I was in, it didn't have a sense of time. It was without, so it could have been seconds or decades in someplace where time existed, but that place was outside of it. It was definitely the oddest thing I had ever been through. Well, at the time anyway, heh, see what I did there? Used a form of keeping time in a place without time? Yeah of course you did, like MY audience would be a bunch of idiots… Bleh.

So anyway, when I finally did leave the black hell of hellish blackness, BHOHB for short, geeze, sounds like a disease or something.. So, back to the story, I get sidetracked way to much. I wasn't on Earth anymore. At least, that's what I thought at first. Everything around me was written in data, or code. As in 1001001010101010000100101010111000101000. Yes, just like how Neo sees everything in the final Matrix movie. But again, not quite. There were no shapes, and no one was trying to kill me. At first. And then the data fixed itself, and became things that moved. Like freaky ass monsters. Oh happy day. So, like any _sane _person, I ran like my life depended on it. Which would totally affect my later decisions.

"Oh for the love of all that is Holy, stop chasing me!" You know how in all those movies, the aliens, or monsters aren't evil. Its just that humans (A.K.A. America) never gave them the chance. I always thought that if they did, there would be no problems. Well screw that. You die from that kind of hippy thinking.

Of course I ran for everything I had, which meant I lost that bastard rather soon. I might not be strong physically, for the most part. But I did track in high school. Mostly because I needed the credit, but that doesn't matter! By the time I realized that white ugly-zilla wasn't chasing me anymore, (gosh that sounded racist,) I slowed down to take a look around me. That was the second time I sweat dropped.

There was some kind of strange floating thing in the sky that looked similar to a ceiling, and there was a tall pillar over to my left. Not to mention I was surrounded by mountains covered in tons of feet of snow. Being a northern New Yorker, from the snowiest city in the US, besides Alaska, I can say with pride that large amounts of snow didn't bother me. Half Canadian and all that jazz. So the weather, blizzard, and the snow didn't bother me at all. It was my lack of normal clothes which I didn't notice until later, and the non-existence of human life within sight. Lets see, without much elevation, a human can see up to 15 miles. With height you can see a total of 32 miles, before the curve of the earth takes effect. So there should have been no reason at all, that from the massive mountain I was on allowed me to see the literal edge of the world. Unless there was a mountain range in the northern hemisphere that rested on a major cliff next to the ocean. And the cliff was so high that not even the 32 miles I should have been able to see of ocean, didn't matter, because the height beat the distance. But if that was the case, I wouldn't be breathing, and I would have been frozen to death. So with the monster and the odd geography, I quickly determined that I was no longer on earth. And then I figured out where I was one hour later. I am so smart.

"Hey! What are you doing up here?" I swear I just heard someone call out to me.

"Hey!" I turned and saw a guy in red standing a few feet behind me. He must be a ninja or something. I lifted up a hand, and gave him a small wave.

"Greetings person of this planet. I come in peace." He gave me a greatly confused, and condescending look before grabbing my arm.

"It's not safe to be up here alone. Especially in this weather. I also heard there were a lot of high ranking monsters around, but don't kid yourself." Now it was my turn to be confused.

"Eh?" Ignored.

"I know you must want to level quickly, but you can die remember. And soloing can only get you so far." I shrugged off his strange behavior, and focused on his appearance. Reddish hair, with a goatee, a bandanna, and what looked like red samurai armor, with a katana? That's the name of that thin Japanese sword with no guard right? And no pommel, or fuller? Ugh, I'm not good with weapon terminology. He was also wearing slippers. Excuse me, toeless boots, that resembled slippers in my deceased brain. The unnamed man literally dragged me down the mountain for what seemed like years, but was really roughly ten minutes. Now that my sense of time was back, it was having a hula dance party in my head, so everything was out of order, to put simply. I didn't really realize what was going on around me, as in being dragged down a freaking mountain on some foreign planet by a freaking soulless ginger in red samurai armor, until we came to a group of five other men.

"Oh, Klein you're back! We were starting to get worried. Who's that?" The newly dubbed Klein, which sounded extremely familiar, tossed an arm around my shoulders with a large grin on his face.

"No clue. A solo player I suppose. Well?" He nudged me, the grin still plastered on his face. Solo player huh? This seems so familiar to me…...Humm….

"Well kid, what's your name?"

"Uh, why does it matter?" One of the guys snorted.

"It seems that your unluckiness with girls really is bad, Klein." Klein let go of me, and glared childishly at the tall one.

"Shut up Kunimittz! It's not like you're any better!" Wait, did they compare me to a girl?

"Uh, did you compare me to a girl? I know I'm underdeveloped for someone my age, but that's just mean." They all looked back at me in confusion. The fat one lifted a finger, must have been hard, and pointed it at me.

"But everyone here looks like themselves. And you look just like a girl. No guy would grow his hair out that long, or wear that." That's when I notice what I was wearing, about time right? A dress. I was wearing a long white plain dress, that was tighter around my waist and fanned out at my feet. Not to mention the giant sleeves. It resembled a princess's dress from medieval times, but without any of the decorations. Just completely plain. And my hair, ugh, long. Also like a medieval princess's.

"Uh, e-even so. I'm a guy." Klein leaned in close to me, but his eyes were firmly planted on my chest. Which believe me, was relievingly flat. I would have freaked if there were bumps there. Although, it would be a little fun to play with them for a while. Well, until it would finally sink in that I had bazonkas. Unless they were huge like in anime or something, then I wouldn't freak. That would be awesome.

"Yup. He has to be a guy, no girl would be able to stand Klein staring so intently at her boobs." I frowned at the guy who said that and pushed Klein's face away.

"So anyway, I'm starting to get cold. Can we go somewhere like I don't know, a building?" The weird aliens all looked at eachother, and then back at me. They all nodded, and then pulled out blue crystals.

"It will take to long to walk there, so we'll just teleport. You got any crystals?" I shook my head, earning more weird looks, and Klein slung his arm around my waist.

"I'll take you. Let's go to teleport gate here. What floor are we on again? Granzam?" Some of the guys snickered at Klein's obvious lack of intelligence.

"Yeah, 55. Let's go to the gate first, then we'll decide where to go." And just like that, everyone started going all sparkle on me, before vanishing. I am surrounded by the unreal. Never before had it acquired to me that I might end up in the land of snow where men sparkled before disappearing, after I died. Is this the real life? Or is this just fantasy? Caught in a avalanche, escape from the sparkly. Well, not really.

It took a total of who gives a shit how long, for us to reach a city. Which is weird because up on the mountain I couldn't see any signs of life except some large things that resembled monsters here and there. And then Klein went off somewhere to contact a friend. And then, hey. Suggestive eyebrow wiggle. And then, we went through what I'm guessing was a portal, and landed in another city, where a kid in black was waiting for us. I do believe that's when my simple minded brain, as in human brain, became fried, and I fainted. Yeah, not something a guy wants to admit, especially while in a white dress and with long hair. But doesn't it make me more manly to be able to do that? I think it does, and that's what matters. Because your opinion it shit. It is shit, and there's nothing you can do about it.

END OF CHAPTER TWO.

Seems like I keep ending it off with nothing. Oh well, REVIEW FOR THE LOVE OF MY LITTLE CHINESEY FRIEND LUNA!


	3. Chapter 3

_**CHAPTER THREE:**_

_**A/N: I'm so egotistical that it should be illegal….. But I'm too great for laws, oh well. Suffer!**_

_**Guest: **__And I love you random viewer! 3 (forever….And ever.)_

_**Guest 2: **__I will take your ideas. And I promise to keep it as funny as possible without ruining the story._

When I woke up. Wait, let's back track. First, I was killed by a 'traitorous pineapple prince' and then become a ghost. I haunt my grave for some time, then got resurrected by some speedo wearing pineapples as an apology because I was an 'innocent casualty', and then I sit around in BHOHB for an shit load amount of unknown time, then I arrive in an unknown land, dressed like a lady from the 1400 hundreds with the long hair and everything (honestly wouldn't be surprised if I was even wearing bloomers) and come across a ginger samurai who makes it his mission to not only confuse me, but also flirt with me, then I'm teleported to some other unknown places, and faint. And then I just wake up?All that happens and I just wake up like it was all a forgotten dream. For some unknown reason, I am completely calm about this whole thing. Totally calm, like, Chuck Norris kind of calm you know?

"WHERE THE HELL AM I?" I tossed off the blankets, in a totally calm way, and slammed the door to the bedroom I was in open, also calmly. Nothing like announcing to your kidnappers that you're awake by making super loud noises, calmly, like a fish….of course. Cough cough, hey, I never said I was stupid. The kid we, er, I met last night in black was standing in front of the door with a bowl and bread on a tray. His armor, sword and flashy super dramatic trench coat happened to be missing from his slender body. Which revealed his, uh, slender body, I guess. I'm not jealous of his outfit at all. I don't want a big ass sword to swing around, nor an awesome coat that billows out behind me, making my moves more dramatic. Obviously I have never thought about this before… Onward.

"Oh, you're awake now." I got the feeling that he was more socially awkward than me, or maybe just a loner. Maybe.

"Yeah, how long was I dead?" His face turned stony, but he answered anyway.

"If you mean sleeping, twenty minutes." I startled. Only twenty minutes? Not like, twenty days? Where is the logic in that?! The protagonist always stays unconscious for hours upon hours! Not minutes! There is utterly no fun in a coma of twenty minutes. I don't even think you can call it a coma.. Well shit. Guess I'm not the main character of MY life. I forced myself, with difficulty, to calm down. Not like I needed to though, I was like, totally calm beforehand.

"Ok, and might I inquire as to my whereabouts?" I got an inquisitive look in return.

"Or maybe the time? The planet we're on? Who you are? How you can speak English? Where is this? When is this? And just to be safe, what is in that bowl you're holding?" I think I shocked him to death.

"Do you really not remember?" I tossed my hands into the air. It seems that death cured me of my shyness and timidness.

"The last memory I have before ending up here, is those damned pineapples. To clarify, I should be in heaven right now. Or hell, shangri la, whatever. I was dead. That is what I remember, not some freaky ass planet with monsters and ginger samurai." The tray slipped from his hands and almost fell to the floor. Before I knew what was going on, I had snached the tray with bowl and stew out of the air, without a single drop out falling out. It appears that in death I gained some mad skills.

"You-you died?"

"Yeah. June 1st, around 4 O'clock in the afternoon, in the year 2014. I choked on a-" I paused.

"Actually, that's not important. What is, is that I am here because a pine-, a mythical being told me I had a second chance at life." He shook his head of black hair. That's a rarity. Actual black hair, and his eyes are dark gray too, he looks Asian, but I can't really be sure.

"That's not possible. That would mean you were dead for 11 years. And there's no way you could possibly be here if you were dead beforehand. We're in a VRMMORPG called Sword Art Online." And that my followers, friends, fans, whichever you prefer, ~slaves~, is when I discovered where I was. My first reaction was to re-kill myself with laughter. Then when it started acquiring to me about how I was actually a ghost, and the whole pineapple thing. Needless to say, I stopped laughing. What? Were you expecting me to faint again? Well, no. I didn't. And then I started laughing again, most likely from all the stress finally smacking me in the ass.

"This isn't happening. I can't believe it." The kid in black, actually, his name is Kirito right?

"Hey, can you tell me what happened? Like why we're in a video game." He nodded. Poor guy, he was probably having a hard time by himself. Actually, his friends all died right? Poor kid.

"Yeah. It happened about two years ago, in 2022. This new game called SAO came out. It was developed by the scientist Akihiko Kayaba, a virtual reality video game. Oh" He gave me a once over.

"You died in 2014, so you wouldn't know how this works. We use this thing called Nerve gear." I held up my hands. Technology wasn't that far behind in my time actually. And the theory about an advanced form of the Oculus Rift was already around.

"Yeah, I can guess. It uses electronic pulses, that are shot straight to the brain and nervous system. There were some similar things around in my time, but they were just glasses that you put on your head. You were still aware of the world around you. But if you managed to fully immerse yourself in a game. Boy, that would send an overload of information to your brain, and your senses would fry. If they were able to bypass that one thing, then you would have to be in a coma like state while ingame. That and if the Nerve gear was forcibly removed, it would have the effect much like a metal spoon in a microwave. You would die from it." I glanced over at Kirito to see what his expression was, and almost snickered. He had a shocked look on, with a bit of awe mixed in. I might not be awesome at physical stuff, but I am unbeatable when it comes to trivia. The Oculus Rift was a very big thing when I was alive, so of course I learned a whole bunch about it. Plus I had no idea what to do as a career, so I sort of tried out everything, and I worked in a library.

"The creator, Akihiko Kayaba, decided to turn this into a death game. He deleted the logout button, so we're all stuck in here. If you die in game, you also die in life. There was 10,000 people when this game started. Now almost two years later, about 2,000 have either been killed, suicide, or been PKed." I leaned back on my forearms with a sigh. Depressing drama wasn't really my thing. I mean look at me, I died, but I was more upset about the speedo wearing pineapples ignoring me. I definitely have my priorities straight, if you ask me. But you didn't because that would be pointless. It's obvious that I'm perfect so… Sidetracked, blasted.

"So is there a way out?" He flopped down onto the bed with a frown.

"Yeah, we have to clear all 100 floors, and defeat the final boss in the Ruby Castle. We obviously still have a ways to go." I got the feeling he was trying to cheer me up.

"So if this is a video game, that means skills, and leveling up. Can you show me how?" My changing of the conversation made his face light up. Have you ever stared at the sun, and stared and stared? Then you couldn't see because your an idiot, and later go blind? Oh! If only you had listened to your parents! Anyway, Kirito's face kind of reminded me of the sun. It was, well, radiant. And somehow scary. I got the sinking suspicion that if I stayed with this kid, although the main character, I would be in a world of mental stress.

So Kirito spent teaching me the next few hours how to get to my menu, and so on. Now, if you're wondering 'What ever happened to having a nice life? Courtesy of the Pineapple kingdom? You will die in SAO, blah blah blah.' Well, they definitely didn't send me someplace all warm and fuzzy, and filled with big 'ol titties, but they did give me a big nice surprise here. My skills were on level 76, HP at 13,250, 200+ items, and special skill set Swashbuckler. In case you don't know what that means, it literally is defined as agile. Yay, I'm several levels behind the current top floor, with a decent HP, high critical strike point, Ok defence, no talents, and super high agility. But no strength. Its like they based my avatar after a bard or something. I have a few strong skills, but my overall performance, and average strikes were weak. This body was meant for one attack with a critical hit. So in a boss fight I'm dead. In a duel, I'm dead, in a battle with multiple attackers, I'm dead. Yay. Now lets not forget that my hair is long, like Asuna's. And every article of clothing in my inventory are feminine. But I didn't realize that tasty tidbit until after Kirito showed me how to change clothes.

"Why? Why? All my armor has skirts attached.." Kirito had been nice enough to take me to a lower floor, floor 47 to be exact, and teach me how to fight, and here we have been for the last few days. So, I had thought, 'ooh boy! I get to put on some armor!' And then I choose the first thing on my list. Angel's Armor is what it was called. So I put it on, and then looked at Kirito. Who was snickering. Loudly…. So I looked in the mirror and then came the screaming. Light brown leather boots, that went to my knees, tight (might I stress the tight) white pants made of unknown things, a white freaking MINI SKIRT over that, that wasn't tight though. Actually it was really uh, swirly I guess. A pale golden coloured chest plate over a white cotton shirt with sleeves not as tight as the pants, and a white pirate vest over that. Oh, not to mention, the same golden coloured armor pads or whatever, on my elbows, knees, and shoulders, and a scarf. Oh and my pirate vest had a hood to it. It like, totally went with my newly down turned, pale blue eyes, and pale blonde hair. Can you feel the murderous intent off of these words? My once _brown_ hair, and _green_ eyes had changed colour. And I looked like a _girl. _A _girl! _And Kirito just laughed through my misery. Curse him to sparkle lalaland and gay Beauty and the Beast. Wait, was it Beauty and the Beast, or Cinderella? I give up on life.

"Hey, I think that's enough for today. You seem more concerned with your-" I punched Kirito before he could finish that dreadful sentence. It was like this every day. Kirito would try teaching me some things, I would learn them, and then get totally sidetracked because a passerby would whistle at me, most likely to make fun, and I would try to kill them, or I would notice my skirt swirling around me as I fought, and I would go crazy and try to kill everything in sight. If you're wondering why I didn't just change, well, Angel's Armor was the least girly out of everything I owned, and Kirito wouldn't give me money to buy some new clothes.

"Shut up. I don't want to talk about it." Kirito shrugged his shoulders at me and grinned.

"Oh, Prince, I've been curious. Why do you go by that name?"

"mumble mumble Prince." He squinted at me.

"What, Prince?" I sighed.

"At least it fits me. I wearing this thing called Angel's Armor, have long hair and girly looks. Mine as well go by Prince. Its actually my last name though…" Kirito shook his head at me. Of course he did. For some unknown reason, Kirito had decided to 'adopt' me. Which according to him, meant that I had to stay at his house while he was out on jobs, and he would protect me from life. Screw that. Well, I guess its nice to have someone so worried about me. And just when I started believing we could be fantastic friends, Kirito dropped me off at the main town, saying that he had something to do.

"Listen Prince, I have a, a mission to complete so stay here. I'll be back tonight, okay?" I slouched on the chair I was on, and glared at him. How could he leave me? I'm almost as powerful as him, and he's been training me for the last four days. He was leaving me all alone in this weird world! How could he? I'm pouting. Shit, when did I turn into such a wimpy kid? Well, since Kirito left me here, I mine as well explore the city. I stuck my head around the door with an evil grin.

"Hey, innocent casualty. What are you doing here?" I turned, fully expecting Karl the Pineapple, but I got a fully grown man with green hair, and a yellow outfit.

"Who are you?" He pulled me out of my room, and held me up in the air. Seems I shrunk while dead, because my feet weren't touching the ground. He just frowned at me.

"So this is where you were sent. You know, I got demoted because of you." I wiggled out of his grasp.

"How on Earth is it my fault?" He huffed, and crossed his arms across his chest. He ignored my question, and started walking away.

"Come on, Theodore Valiant Prince. We'll talk over food." I glanced back at the door, before trailing behind him. We walked around the town for a little bit, silently. Saying nothing at all, although many people stopped me and kept asking me questions. Most of them were guys, but I don't really know what they wanted. Then around dusk, he finally stopped wondering and entered a small diner.

"Come on, punk." Now it was my turn to huff, but I listened to him anyway. He sat down at a table off in the corner, and waved over a NPC.

"Coffee, for the both of us." The waiter dude left, and Karl, I think its Karl, looked back at me.

"Listen kid, you weren't suppose to be here." Huh?

"We sent you to an alternative world, just like yours, but you vanished two years ago, because the life threads weren't stable over there. If you hadn't come here and integrated with this world, I wouldn't have be a low ranking soldier again." I rolled my eyes.

"I still fail to see how its my fault."

"Its your fault! You did something to the world we sent you, and then got here by unknown means! You're a danger to everything in all dimensions. If we had known ahead of time, we would have left you to die. We should have realized since you were a ghost." I dropped my head onto the table with a thud. The pineapple turned man was a moron. None of that was my fault, obviously. But Karl, and the other pineapples didn't seem to think that. Like I said, morons.

"So, what happens next?" The NPC waiter showed up with our coffees, and placed them on the table. Karl, ok, lets just pretend that this is Karl ok? Anyway, Karl picked up his cup and took a sip.

"Damn, doesn't taste anything close to the real thing. What happens next? Well, its not like we can drag you out of here. You used your own abilities to get here, and we can't kill you. You're not one our enemies. All the Pineapple kingdom can do is tell you that you're an asshole, and have me live with you until you die." That was the second time I ever sweatdropped. Only around pineapples it would seem.

"Alright then, so uh…." Man this turned awkward fast.

"Um, who are your enemies." Nice one Ted, nice. Definitely a good one. Wait am I being nervous for? Its not like I'm on a date with a girl, or Kirito. Eating with him is always so weird.

"The Grapefruits, and Papaya." Oh, good to know. Yup.I'm not laughing on the floor.

"What? T-the Gr-grapefruits and Pa-pa-papaya?" He nodded in complete seriousness, and I stopped laughing. It just wasn't funny it was so funny. If I dared to continue laughing, I would kill myself in a unkillable zone. Talent it doth not take. I stood and shook my head at him.

"That's great to know, but I have to head back. My babysitter would have a hissy fit if he found out I was gone." Karl tsked me, and drank the rest of his coffee.

"I'm coming with you." I didn't reply, just left. When I got back to the room, Kirito was still not back. I sat on our bed, er, that sounded bad. The rooms here are only one bed per room, and Kirito wanted to save some money, so he got us a room to share. We've been switching turns with the bed for the last four days. Tonight was my turn on the floor. Fooy.

"He's still not back yet…. I wonder what he's doing, a job. Humm, oh! We're on floor 47!" I stood up, and made a totum stance, while Karl jumped from his seat in surprise. Haha ha! This was in one of the first episodes. He helps a girl called Silica revive her pet, Pina. They should be going to get that flower thing tomorrow. Yay! I'm so smart!

"Hey, Prince, I'm back." I swiveled around to look at him. He looked kind of tired, and borderline upset about something. I stared at him as he sat down on the bed. Heh heh heh heh. I tossed myself at him, and rubbed my face in his chest.

"Oh Kirito! I was so lonely without you!" He chuckled and patted my head.

"You really look like a girl right now, Prince." I jumped away and growled. That faggot! I ignored him for the rest of the night, not like it mattered because he went straight to sleep. He didn't even notice Karl! Who I also ignored…

_**END OF CHAPTER THREE**_

_**If I do every chapter like this, I think someone might kill themselves.**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**CHAPTER FOUR:**_

_**Nekolazy: **__Sup? __**Thanks**__ for the reviews. It tickles me pink…_

**A/N: Oh, I apologize in advance for any slight OOCness. You see, the characters of SAO season 1 never really held any interst to me fo the most part. So I don't quite know their personalities inside and out. **

I am the awesome, the unbeatable, the stupendous, and the invincible, Ted. I have come to thee now as a simple man, and a kind hearted soul in search of my manliness. If thine eyes have seen my desired masculinity, then I beg of thee to give it back. For thou see, I have turned into a girl. I did not realize this until only a few minutes before. But, if it helps thee to find my only chance at redemption, I will tell thee of my sorrow, and of my travels. And of what befell me... Because thou desirest to know of course.

I didn't realize my horrible dilemma for quite some time, so you'll have to bare with me for the moment. The **beginning** starts after I woke up to find my beloved Kirito missing in action. I immediately shrugged it off, and kicked Karl until he too had risen from the floor.

"Come now, Karl. I have things to ruin, stuff to steal, items to destroy." He merely rolled his eyes at me. Remember, he is a humanoid pineapple.

"Shut up Theodore." I in turn, kicked him **again**.

"I don't like that name."

"Okay, Theo." Kick, wince.

"Dori?" Kick.

"**Dora**?" Kick kick kick.

"Valiant? Val? Liant? Prince?" I kicked his head to the floor. Epic round house kick, much like that one guy did to the other guy in that anime with the naked giants, and large walls, and everyone keeps eating each other, or dying, not to mention they fly around in the sky like tasty birds. I think his name was Levi...

"Then what the hell do you want to be called?!" I kicked him again, and then placed my foot on his face.

"You may refer to my as, my beloved ruler, Supreme Awesomeness, Master, or Ted. I like Ted the most, but everyone likes to call me my Supremely Awesome Master Ted. You may choose one." I got another eye roll, and he got a kick to the belly.

"Alright Ted. So, why did you wake me up so early?" I shrugged at him, and then called up my menu.

"Its almost noon, oh darling pineapple."

"My name is not Pineapple. Its Bachlahqueenahfonddria, and I hail from central command." I glanced at him for a moment before looking back over to the map I pulled up. I was currently looking for Kirito, so I didn't hear Karl properly. He said his name was Bachlahqueenahfondria, but that can't be right.

"I wasn't **listening**, can you repeat that?"

"Bachlahqueenahfondria. Bach-lah-quee-nah-fond-dree-uh. Its a rare, and ancient name given to only those that promise success at birth." I am proud to say I took that like a man, and then risked my after life to nearly kill myself from laughter.

"Really?" He nodded, **completely** serious.

"It holds much power in it, but since you're not a member of the Kingdom, you can not use it." I held back my snort, and headed for the door.

"I **found** our destination, come on, Karl." He tossed a pillow at my head, and growled at me.

"Its Bah-"

"Yeah, yeah. I'll call you Bach, and you can call me Ted. Does that work for you?" He mumbled something, but otherwise agreed. And that folks, is how Second Pineapple with sunglasses and a speedo, turned Karl, turned Bachlahqueenahfondria, acquired the name Bach. And how most people became frightfully confused when he spoke to me. He calls me Ted, that's why. I would say it took us nearly an hour to walk to the bridge where Kirito was going to be. Between Karl-now-Bach wanting to stop to try every food, people **continuously** stopping me to ask rather personal things with Bach laughing in the background, and getting lost a few times, I have to say that we did pretty well. By the time we had arrived, Kirito was walking towards the red haired chick with a serious expression.

"Kirrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiittoooooooooo!" I ran past her, and seven guys that came out of nowhere, and launched myself at Kirito. Who, by the way, was so happy to see me that he didn't even move out of the way like he usually does. And I actually managed to knock him down. Hey, I know what you're thinking. 'Ooh Ted! He's totally like, launching himself at Kirito on a hourly basis! They're like, totally gay for eachother! (Fangirl squeal!)' And you are so wrong. No best friends relationship can be a best friends relationship without gayness involved. If you don't pretend to be homosexual for **your** bestie, you aren't the bestie. Also while we're on the **subject**, if you don't laugh as they fall down the stairs, you aren't their bestie. Anywho, where was I? Oh yeah.

So Kirito didn't sidestep me, which means he was too overjoyed to. But he did look a bit worried. He pulled me to his side, and leaned towards my ear. Ooh, this is getting good, need some popcorn?

"Prince, what are you doing here?" I went slack in the face. What? I whispered that thought, yeah, right back into his ear as well. Suggestive eyebrow wiggle.

"I left you in the room, its to dangerous for you to be out here alone. Especially when I can't be there to protect you. And I can't do that now, either." I fake pouted. So he couldn't protect me from some low ranking criminals? Even though I'm almost as powerful as him? Also, I don't need help, but what can I say. He likes playing the knight in shining armor. Or is it Prince Charming. No, I'm Prince Charming, and He's the knight. Yeah...

"I'm fine, we've been **practicing** my sword work for the last week! I've been aching to do something." He ignored my actually solid argument, and pushed me behind him.

"Go stand over with Silica. I'll talk with you later." I was about to complain, but the fat one interrupted me.

"Who's that? Your second girlfriend?" I turned to said fat one, and made a cutesie face at him. Like the ones you see those whores in T.V. shows make.

"Oh, I'm not the second. If anything, I'd be the first." Fat one blushed, and glanced over at the furious red head. It was then that my world slowly came crashing down... And that I noticed that Bach was gone.

"Ignore the girl, go after the swordsman!" I looked back at Silica to see if she was doing anything worthy of getting yelled at.

"Uh, but Silica isn't doing anything. If I were you, I would be more worried about me, not her." Redhead grunted, like an ostrich.

"I'm talking about you! Get out of the way or parish!" I narrowed my eyes at her, and ignored Kirito's arms which were holding me behind him. Oh some bitch was genna die. And painfully. By my favorite torture too. Its beautiful really. You take a person, bring them to a swamp with a large flat rock in the middle of it. Make them lay down on the rock, and place a heavy **log** on their belly, only their belly, and then feed them lots and lots of milk. When you drink lots of milk, and have a pressure on your stomach, it gives you diarrhea, which they can't hold in so they basically shit themselves for hours. Then, before the whole shitting themselves starts, you give them tons of little paper cuts all over their bodies, and then cover them from head to toe in honey. The point of this is; the smell of the sweet honey, and the rot of feces, attracts a very massive amount of insects. Which then literally feast upon the person's body, while laying eggs inside the paper cuts. The eggs, because of the temperature, hatch within a few days, and then eat the person from the inside. Now they don't die until after the seventh day or so, so imagine their suffering! I had an immense desire to do that to Red Head.

I narrowed my eyes at her, but didn't have any time to react. Kirito pushed me towards Silica, and braced himself. The seven bumbling idiots all charged at Kirito, their war cries were lame by the way, as in like, only one shouted DIE!, and the others just grunted, and started slashing at him. Kirito totally took it all like an unfeeling alien, and stared with a bored expression at Rosalia.

"We should do something to help him! He won't last long at this rate!" I glanced down at the girl next to me.

"Just watch his life bar." And then it jumped back up to its original level. Redhead gasped, and the idiot seven just stood there panting. Why are they panting you ask? They happen to be in a video game, and shouldn't be able to feel tired, right? Well, I have no bloody idea. Ask the creator, Ayabu or whatever. As you can see, I don't care all that much for names.

"What the hell you idiots! Kill him already!" See? She thinks they're idiots as well. Kirito only smiled. You know, that smile he gives me when I finally wake up after being pummeled to death by him, or that smile when he is almost annoyed with me.

"400 for every ten seconds, give or take. That's about the total damage the seven of you can inflict on me." Redhead growled, and Silica's eyes lit up. Its rather scary how well Kirito can control the females in this game. Like let's see, first Silica, Lizbeth, Asuna, Leafa or whatever, and finally, Shion. Cray cray people….

"I'm level 78. I've got 14,500 HP, my battle healing skill auto-regenerates 600 points every ten seconds." He paused to give her a slightly more intimidating glare.

"We could stand here all day, and you won't get anywhere." I sighed. Boring! Oh! I slipped into the circle around Kirito, and stood behind him. Which he, thank my broken body, didn't realize. He was far too caught up in his little I'm better speech. One of the guys, the one in a fuzzy yellow vest grunted. Seriously! What's with all the grunting? Are they animals as well as idiots?

"That's not possible!" Kirito's head turned to face him, which is when he noticed me, who got a scary narrowed eyes look. He sighed.

"Fine Prince." I grinned, and turned back to yellow animal idiot.

"Wanna bet? Seriously, if your numbers are high enough, you're invincible. MMOs that use leveling systems like that are unfair that way, its been like that for years 't you know anything?" I tossed my head back onto Kirito's shoulder.

"You can basically do anything in games like theses, as long as you stay away from players with an HP almost or equally as high as yours." I got a nod from my head rest.

"Correct. My client spent his entire fortune on this Warp crystal, and he'll get his money's worth. It's been set to the coordinates of the prison, and I'm sending all of you bastards there!" The seven idiots took a step away from us. Stupid. Kirito doesn't look scary per se, nor does he sound scary. Just sort of cocky. That cocky bastard, leaving me to deal with stupid pineapple men while he gets to check out the hot babes. In case you hadn't realised, this entire time I've been secretly eyeing the Redhead. You know what they say about curvy women with red hair. Yum yum. Rosalia, in a totally loserish way, pointed her weapon at Kirito.

"Well I'm green, and if you hurt me you'll go orange, an-" Kirito used a speed boost to get himself over to her in what seemed like a mere second, with is sword at her throat.

"I'm a solo player, got it?" Ooh! Now I'm starting to feeling some malice! Have I ever told you how much of a sicko I am? No? Well, I'm a major sicko.

"I don't care if I have to play as orange for a couple of days." The no longer sexy Redhead slowly dropped her staff to the ground, and I pulled out my weapon. That's right, I never told you what it was. Well, should I? Okay, fine. I carry a short sword with no cross handle, or hand guard. It resembles a hunting knife in that way, but its about two feet long, and made of a white bone material, with a vine crawling up the middle. Unlike most short swords of this design, its sharp on one side and not on both, like Roman swords, or women swords, and the handle is fitted to my palm. Nice right? Totally goes with my angelic appearance. I actually meant that without complimenting myself. As in I actually resemble a feminine war angel. Cross out the word feminine….

"So, I suggest you all come along willingly?" I smiled sweetly at the seven idiots, and waved a hand over at Kirito, who was tying up Rosalia's hands. I didn't know he was into bondage! I wanted to throw my hands up in the air and tackle him. We are so totally like, made for each other! I'm kidding. I'm not all that into kinky stuff. Six of the guys drop their weapons, but the last one kept looking from me to Silica. I lifted my blade until it was equal with his face.

"I will kill you before you could say your own name." He didn't listen and charged at me. I got into one of the stances Kirito showed me, and was about to slice the bastard in half, curse him to the nothingness of legos for not listening to me, but a tanned arm in yellow armor shot right by me, and punched the sucker in his sucker.

"When Princess says to put down the dangerous items, you put them down, got it?" The man gripped his face in pain, while the other six raced towards Kirito with terror written on theirs. I sighed, and glanced over at Silica.

"Hey there, haven't properly introduced myself. I'm Prin-" Two large hands placed themselves on my shoulders.

"This is Princess, and I'm Bach. Princess here, or Prince for short, is a friend of the kid in black. And I'm Prince's man." I couldn't even say anything, I was so pissed. And not the British kind.

"Oh, its nice to meet you. I'm Silica, I just met Kirito yesterday." Her breath hitched on his name, and Bach sweat dropped. I couldn't see him, but you could tell. I say this in complete annoyance. I could feel his sweat drop. Feel it. Like for real. Probably because he was now leaning his entire weight on me with both arms wrapped around my neck. I tugged at his large arms, but I couldn't even move the skin. Let's get the size scale down first, so life is easier on you. Kirito is about 5"7, and I was the same height. In life I was 5'11, sadly it seems I shrunk. Silica is roughly 5"1, so going by that, I would say that Asuna will be 5"5 or 5"6, Lizbeth will be 5"5, and Klein is 5"11, with the big black guy, no not the one from Huckleberry Finn, should be 6"3 or so. And Bach, who is leaning on me, is 6"2. So I'm short now, and he's no longer a pineapple I can boss around. Funny how life is to me, right?

"Get off me, Bach." I was ignore. Again. Silica smiled at us, and glanced over at Kirito, who was almost done.

"So, you're not together with Kirito then?" Huh? Bach placed his chin on my head. After spending all day with him, I came to the conclusion that its best to let him be. Mostly because I figured out that the game rules don't apply to him. So if he punches you, its like in real life. when fighting him, your abilities go down to how they would be in the real world. Or IRW, as they say. Or IRL. one of those.

"No, Prince isn't. Kirito is more like his trainer, or boss."

"Not boss." Silica smiled again, and clasped her hands behind her back.

"Oh, wait, you said his. Is Prince a boy?" I gasped in horror. If Bach's arms hadn't been squeezing what little life I had in my body, I would have eaten off her head and blamed it on a passing seagull. Like Nigel said you know; I poop on people, and blame it on the seagulls.

"Of course Prince is a boy."

"Man! I'm a fully grown man!" Kirito popped up out of nowhere, and quirked an eyebrow at me.

"You don't look a day over 16 though." I pouted and turned my head away from them. Bach giggled, giggle I say, and released me from the death choke. They then went about introducing themselves, and talking about random things, while I trailed silently behind them. This was not how my life was suppose to go. This was not how my afterlife was suppose to go. I wasn't suppose to look just like an innocent girl, I wasn't suppose to have a gentle high pitched voice, I wasn't suppose to be in a cartoon, but here I was. Well, enough moping. It never got anyone anywhere. I stayed silent though, all the way back to the hotel, where Kirito and Silica split off from us.

"I'll meet you back in the room later, alright?" Bach nodded, and dragged me into our room.

"Oh, that was fun. I have convinced both the humans that I am one of them." Ignored.

"And that I'm going to act as your protector, so Kirito can follow the road fate has given him." Definitely ignored.

"To most people it will seem like we're a couple…." Ignor- Error. Error. Backup mode engaged, murderous intent unlocked. Searching for target. Target acquired. Engaging battle mode. Mission: Kill target with no sympathy. Mission status: Target annilated. Despose of evidance. Evidance burned. Status: mission complete. Battle mode disabled, murderous intent locked, error fixed. Shut down mode in commision. Shut down complete.

By the time Kirito got back to our room, I was sleeping innocently, completely unaware of the blood splattered across the walls, and intrails dangling from the rafters.

END OF CHAPTER FOUR.

I apologize for the hissy fit I had. You know how it is when you get nothing in way of viewers, and you just lose all motivation. But this story must be known! So I will try to update it every Friday or so. I will also supply you with unlimited excuses for why it will most likely not be updated every Friday, and I do hope you will find them humourous.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: So I apologize for the spelling mistakes in the last chapter. Usually there's a squiggly red line underneath them, to remind you that they are spelled wrong, but for some unknown reason it didn't do that. And because I don't have any desire for a proofreader, or beta reader, I didn't notice them until just now. As I am sure you noticed, they are all in the last paragraph, which is slightly odd. Oh, the red lines are only a part of that; I was also trying to get it done as fast as possible so I sort of rushed the story, which might account for some mistakes. One more thing, I was told by my little Chinese friend, who will most likely read this, that the story is confusing. I also apologize for that, but my brain works faster than my fingers, so I often leave things out, and I don't like stories that over do it, so I make them faster paced and more spontaneous. Do enjoy the rest.**

**NekoLazy:** No, he's not a crossdresser. I just wanted to push his buttons by making everything he owns feminine. He doesn't really have a choice, and I thought it would be majorly entertaining if Ted, as an avid boobs lover who deeply appreciates womanly charm, be continuously mistaken for a girl. With the personality I gave him, it was bound to make things bubbly.

Chapter Five:

When I got up the next morning, yes these chapters seems to all start with me waking up. Don't ask why. But anyway, the first thing I noticed was Kirito sleeping. Well, actually it was all the red, and there was some pink thrown in as well, but then it was Kirito's sleeping face. Which was not next to mine, I know what you're thinking. Then I noticed Bach sitting at the small table drinking coffee. That's what must have woken me up. Coffee oh Coffee, where art thou my beloved strong aroma-ed dark brown mixture? In a cup, being devoured by an evil pineapple.

"Baaaach! I want some!" He glanced up at me, and for the first time, I noticed his eyes were yellowish coloured. Like a lemony lime sort of thing. That just shouts evil, I tell you.

"I am surprised that you woke up first." I crawled out of the bed, successfully stepping on Kirito's face, and zombie walked to the table.

"Now is not the time for chit chat man, deliver the goods." Bach looked at his cup, then back up at me.

"You're drooling. I didn't know that you were obsessed with coffee." My only thought then was the delectable smell in the air, so the drool stayed put.

"Bach. I do not know how to express my love for the liquid life that you hold. I have digested many coffees here, but none have the same feel to them as what you are holding in your hands. I beg of thee, please let me have some!" He shook his head.

"Please?" I moved my chair closer to his, and leaned in close.

"Please?" He still said no. I wept grotesquely on his shoulder.

"But the coffee, it, it calls to me!" I think he might be mad about last night, which I shall add, was not my fault. I was readying myself for a cup-o-war battle of coffee, but a groggy Kirito leaned against my chair.

"Is that what I think it is? Can I have some?" I chuckled at his childness.

"Don't bother Kirito. Bach is hates sharing." I flipped some of my hair over my shoulder, by the way, I have noticed that my hair is always perfect no matter what. I've only had it like this for roughly a week now, but you'd think I would have experienced at least hair getting in my mouth, or a rat's nest when I wake up, but no. It is pristeen. Like, I'm one of those girls you see in those sleeping pictures, where everything is perfection, and stuff. Or like some actress after she wakes up… Forget the fact that I named only female examples, I can't think of any guy with hair as long as mine. Anyway, to my utter surprise, Bach pulled a coffee pot out of nowhere, and poured Kirito a cup.

"Bach." He glanced over at me with a smirk.

"No matter what you do to me, the answer is no." I looked up at him with tears in my eyes.

"Fine! Be that way!" I stood from the chair, which flew into the side of the bed, and fled from the room like a dramatic princess running from a villain. Even my tears were being dramatic, they fell slowly from my face, and sparkled in the air as the dropped. That was the moment I was truly accepted into the female realm.

I wandered around a bunch of floors, not really paying attention to what I was doing, or where I was going, for at least half the day. It was around noon that I found myself wandering around a floor with grassy plains, and a lot of soldiers. Something about this seems familiar, hummm…

"Hey there! It's been awhile, hasn't it?" I turned slowly, and was met with a ginger samurai. Oh! This was when Kirito and Asuna let their hormones get in the way of more important things, like staying badass. Stupid relationships, they ruin everything.

"Oh yeah. You're the one that found me up in the mountains on floor 55. Where's the rest of your team?" Klein, was it Klein? Looked around us and shrugged.

"I guess they went ahead to the meeting. Is that what you're here for? Or are you with Kirito? He said you two were training together." I frowned.

"No, I'm here for the meeting." Lie. But he doesn't have to know that I'm completely lost. I was never good with directions anyway.

"I think Kirito is already here, but I didn't come with him." Klein grinned at me, and slipped an arm around my shoulders. Guys seems to be doing that a lot recently. Like at every chance, and Kirito always laughs for some reason. He says it's because they think I'm a girl, but that's just stupid. They should be able to tell I'm also a guy, it's obvious.

"So why don't we head to the meeting then?" I waved a hand at him.

"Lead the way." Klein turned away from me, and did this weird pose.

"This way." I sighed, and followed after him. The walk to the stupid cave, where ever that stupid cave was, took what felt like years, but was probably only ten minutes or so. I think the reason it felt like it took a millennium was because Klein didn't seem to know the term; silence is golden, but duct tape is silver. Which basically means that if someone does not shut the hell up, which would be considered just as valuable as gold, you tape their mouth shut with duct tape. Which is silver, meaning it is almost as good as them being as quiet. I'm doing a terrible job of explaining this, but you get the idea. It was around the time that I had given up on this second life, and pulled out my sword to commit honourable suicide, when I saw the cave. I have never been happier in my life. Except that one time Anna walked into my apartment with nothing on but her lacy boy shorts and a skimpy tank top that was cut halfway down her midriff, and she was covered in paint as well, and she crawled right onto my bed to wake me up. Sadly the reason this happened was because she needed me to model for her painting because she couldn't do it herself. I did get paid for that though, and apparently it won two awards. She came to my grave and told me this, by the way.

"Klein! You're finally here!" It was the fat guy from Klein's group. The skinny tall one raised an eyebrow, and glanced at me.

"So did you finally get a girlfriend?" I looked around us, to see if there was a girl, but the only one even remotely close to us was Asuna. Who was looking at me. And now she's walking towards us…..

"Nah, this is the kid we picked up a week ago, remember?" Klein's possy all made 'ah' faces, and I glanced at the scary female who was basically sprinting at me now.

"Hey you."

"My name is Prince." She stopped right in front of me, and Klein jumped back in surprise. He chuckled nervously, and escaped over to his pals, while leaving me to face the scary lady.

"You, are you in a guild?" And that folks, is the fifth time I sweat drop. Or is it fourth? I can't keep track anymore.

"Am I in a guild?" She nodded. I sighed.

"N-no. I'm still a new player, so I haven't had the time to checkout any guilds. Besides, I am planning on staying a solo player." One of her rather thin eyebrows rose, and she placed a hand on her hip.

"New player? Come on, I can tell by just looking at you that you're a high ranked assassin type." I blinked a few times, and grinned at her.

"Nope. I'm not high ranked, just average, and I'm not an assassin type. I've only killed about three monsters throughout my entire time here." She looked surprised, but still disbelieving.

"You expect me to believe that? Well, anyway." Asuna leaned in close to me.

"I want you to join my guild." I couldn't help it. You can't blame me either, got it? She wasn't meaning to be cute, I think she wanted to intimidate me into agreeing, but it looked like she was pouting.

"I'm sorry, but there's no way I'm joining a guild with such a corrupted core. I mean, Heathcliff is impressive and all, and I'm sure there are some bonus' to being part of the biggest guild here, but it is so not happening. I would rather face a floor boss by myself." That's when I noticed how quiet the cave had gotten.

"What?" I shrugged my shoulders at her. I was actually a few inches taller than her, which helped, somewhat.

"I'm not interested." A hand grabbed my elbow, and I turned to see both Bach and Kirito.

"So this is where you went. We spent the entire morning looking for you." Kirito looked at everyone's dark expressions, then back at me.

"What's going on? I thought this was a meeting?" Everyone glanced between Asuna and Kirito, before slowly clustering around a round table to discuss things that should be interesting, but actually boring.

Everyone remained silent as Asuna told us the plot, which involved using the NPCs as bait, to which Kirito argued. Stating that they were also people, and that if we do something like that, it would be no better than killing other players. That went on for a while, most of which I slept through. You know how you sometimes fall asleep with your eyes open, and you just sort of lock all your limbs so you don't move? That's what I was doing out of sheer boredom. Strategies are nice and all, and I'm actually good at them, but everyone kept watching me, which was weird, and Kirito and Asuna arguing wasn't interesting in the slightest. I was awoken by Kirito tapping my shoulder.

"Hey, it's time to go. Bach disappeared a little while ago, so why don't we stay together?" He looked rather solemn, so I hugged him and rubbed my face into his chest.

"Oh Kirito~ I'm so happy that you understand my feelings~" I glanced up to see that my plan worked, and Kirito was grinning.

"What a sweet girl you are." I twitched. I will suffer for the sake of Kirito. I will suffer through this horrible thing. I will suffer….. Kirito's death was saved by a big black guy with no hair showing up.

"Hey, another spat?"

"Agil." I nodded at him, and he nodded back.

"Why are you and the commander always like that?" He put both his fists on his waist, and eyed us. Kirito just shrugged.

"I guess we don't see eye to eye." I rolled my eyes. While my eyes were rolling back down from the heavens, I saw the subject of the conversation staring at us. I frowned at her. If I could keep Asuna and Kirito from liking each other, then neither of them would end up being the lame lovesick brats that they turn into halfway through the first season. I zoned out what Agil and Kirito were talking about, and had a stare down with Asuna. She gave up after only a few minutes, and walked away. Brat. I glanced over at Kirito, who was buried under Agil's, his name was Agil right? I always remembered him as the only black guy/bar owner. No I'm not racist, just uh. American is the best way to describe it. Well anyway, while Kirito was buried under the black guy's shadow, I secretly followed after Asuna. I know that she knew that I knew that she knew I was following her, but I wasn't going to make this rather known fact known. No, I'll wait for her to do that. Fu fu fu fu. And now I feel like a stalker.

"What do you want?" She stopped walking and turned to me with a frown.

"Oh, uh, I was just, I want to- uh. No clue. I was just bored." She crossed her arms and tilted her head up in a very snobby way.

"Go away, I have important things to do, things that involve my 'corrupt guild.' So leave me alone." I sighed, and waved a hand around us.

"I'm lost." She stared at me silently, before placing a hand on her mouth to cover her snickering.

"What is wrong with you?" I huffed and walked closer.

"Nothing! I just don't do well with directions, or time, so I'm lost. If you could point me towards Kirito, I would greatly appreciate it."

"If you didn't want to be separated from him, then why did you leave? Besides, can't you just check your map?" I laughed off her question, my talent is avoiding things, and slung an arm around her shoulders. Asuna glanced down at my chest before looking at my arm.

"You have no boobs." Que choking on my laugh and falling to the dirt in pain.

"Of course I don't! I am a man! Male! Macho! Manful, manlike, manly, virile!" She stared down at me and shook her head.

"But you look so much like a girl, you have to be. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. You know," She crouched down in front of me with a small smile on her face. "I wanted you to join my guild because you're a girl. These not many in this game, so it's been kind of lonely." I roughly grabbed her face and growled.

"I am a man. Born and raised as one, man." I got a blank stare in return. Fine! I pulled her face towards mine, and planted a big sloppy kiss on her lips. I let go of her after a few seconds, and cackled evilly.

"Serves you right little girl. Mixing up my gender." Asuna put her fingers to her lips and stared at me with a slightly angry expression, but I just folded my arms over my chest.

"Would you like me to pull my pants down next? I will! I have no problem at all proving my masculinity to the world. I would strut around naked 24/7 if it stopped people from mistaking me for a girl. Unfortunately that means no protection from monsters and such. And Kirito would most likely smack me, or maybe kick me." Asuna turned her head away from me and stood up.

"I'll take you to Kirito, tell me where he is." I narrowed my eyes at her. Her voice had gotten awfully quiet and timid. I pulled up my menu, while she fiddling with the tips of her hair for a few minutes.

"He's on the 57th floor, near the right side. That's all I can tell you." She sighed, in a very irritated way, and moved to my side so she could see the map.

"This way." And with that, she turned and stalked away. Maybe I went a little too far with the kiss, just a little though. I know there's a bunch of girls, and even guys, who consider kissing to be super special, especially their first kiss. Maybe she was one of them.

"I'm sorry about the kiss, I just do stupid things sometimes." She stayed quiet as we walked, until we reached the portal. She sighed again, people seem to do that a lot in my life. Or afterlife, as I keep forgetting. We walked into said portal, which you know, happened to appear out of, golly gee, Nowhere! Then after we got off on the proper floor, we continued to walk in silence. She was sure taking her time to respond. Oh, yeah. I might have confused you there, with the getting off at the right floor, so I'll explain. Video games are like the only thing I'm good at so, bare with me. For these portals, unlike I had thought when watching the anime, don't just go to the floor directly above or below. They go to any unlocked floors. Silly of me right? Its just in several games I used to play, as in played while and after watching SAO, had that, so I guess I just sort of mixed them together. Anyway, Asuna finally spoke as we were closing in on the unsuspecting black clothed prey.

"It's ok. I was just hoping my first kiss would be a bit more sweet, or romantic." My shoulders slumped in slight guilt. Only slight. I don't really feel guilty because I got to be her first kiss. Tee hee.

"So it was your first time then. I was worried. If it helps," I paused and gulped. I know I just said something, but I was raised as a gentleman. "You didn't actually kiss me, so technically it wasn't your first kiss. You didn't do any kissing, so you don't have to consider it real." She placed a finger on her chin, with a thoughtful look.

"Oh, I see what you're saying. So if you were to kiss me and I kissed back, that would be my first kiss, whereas with just you pressing your lips to mine, that's either your kiss, or not a kiss at all." I twitched just a little bit with my perfect eyebrow. Have I sung praise to my perfect yet? No? Well, I happen to have, in the last week, to developed Mephobia. It's real you know. Comes from being so freaking perfect no matter what, even when I try to look awful. I liked my old baggy hand-me-down clothes, and ragged appearance. It fit my charming personality. My perfect body now doesn't. You look at me and think, 'Oh, what a sweet little thing. I bet she was raised to be an angel.' And then I will kill you painfully and slowly. My aunt, remember her? Lego ambassador? Well, she truly was an amazing woman. Who loved things that most people didn't and I quote "I hate popular things. There's no originality or uniqueness to it. It's overused, and over praised, and thus losses anything of value." So She wrote a book, recording tortures from all times and all cultures and had it published when she was 16. I was read that book instead of Winnie the Pooh. The point of this? I can make your death as painful, slow, or quick and easy as I like. I can also go gruesome, bloody, nails on chalkboard like, mental, or anything really.

You know how some kids get bullied? In fact it happens a lot, just most people don't realize. But I wasn't a normal kid. When Jeff Reaby and his sack suckers cornered me for the first time in elementary, I stood there with my cute little yellow hat, and told them in detail how I would drain them of their blood, and make it look like their parents did it. Then I mentally destroyed them till every single one ended up taking therapy. I was seven. Then later in high school, some kid tried to bully me, and Jeff literally came running up and begged him to stop, because he didn't want to see the monsters again. Then I sent that kid to a loony bin. Needless to say I am evil. And I revel in it. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, Kirito….Kirito….Kirito…...Hum….Kirito…..There was something I was going to do with him. Humm…...Murder, murder, hum….Kirito, Asuna, and murder or something. I was rudely woken from my very theologiany thoughts by Asuna tapping my shoulder and pointing at a figure stretched out under a tree.

"He's right there." I glanced over at her, slightly bewildered. Why was she pointing at him again? I quite clearly forgot.

"That's nice. I am hungry. Later." What was that with the murderer again? Damn it all to hell's fire. I can't wrap my head around it. So I left poor Asuna there. Who by the way was extremely confused, and wondered off to discover the thoughts I had previously held in my brain. Maybe my real brain in reality was too far gone to complete the proper order of it's thinking process. And that my friends, is how I end this chapter, not with sleeping, but rather with wandering off into the forest, and coming across the biggest and baddest of all guilds, Laughing Coffin. Don't worry, I live. Maybe.

END OF CHAPTER FIVE.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Okay, here is the next one. I decided to let my hatred, my improper hatred, of Asuna go. So this will be causing some random changes.**

**NekoLazy:** Yes, he is. If that makes you like him more, then you will love this chapter.

Chapter Six:

So, I left off on the last chapter with me wandering away from Asuna and Kirito, and towards the forest. Now, I know you're thinking that I am a total flutter brain, and that there is no way an intelligent human would forget something as important as his babysitter's first step towards love, and I didn't. For the most part. Well, let's be honest here, I actually found the whole idea of continuously stopping them from getting attracted to each other, completely boring. So I gave up before I even started. Besides, I'm not really interested in a fate like Klein's, or being constantly mistaken as one of the girls from Kirito's harem. So I have decided to be like Agil and only appear sometimes. And of course, what kind of luck do I have? What was that? I can't hear you. Ah, that's it. I have very bad luck.

"Where are you going, my Lady?" I stopped short, and glanced up from the ground. There was two men in cloaks standing in front of me. Shit was the only thing on my mind. Mostly because it seriously smelled.

"Oh, I was just wondering. But I'm not a lady, and I will, heh" I stood at my full height, which granted wasn't much, and gave them my creepiest smile. When I had been alive, besides scaring people by speaking of horrible things, I also tended to behave insane. It always creeps them out. You know why right? Let me go into philosopher mode here; The reason humans are uncomfortable around supernatural, or anything to do with the 'sixth sense', is because we don't understand nor can will we ever. It's that simple. The reason why people have been locked up for seeing things others don't, or hearing things, or behaving oddly, is not for their own good, but for ours. We, who only access ten percent of our brains, can't comprehend that there might be a deeper meaning to the voices in the head and so forth. So because of that, we obsess over it and obsess until it starts to haunt us, and then something harmless and simple becomes dangerous and complicated. So we lock away the things that have scared us, and teach others to fear it as well. Now things like insanity are taught as a fearful, and terrifying thing, before we even managed to figure out how to speak. As we grow older, we fall into this false security that we're safe, even though everyone is insane, and so when we are finally confronted with such a thing, it unsettles us to the point of losing our precious normalness that we grew up believing was safe. No one realizes this anymore. They act the crazy part out, but forget the deeper side to it. That's why it works so well with me. P.S. This is what happens when you literally spend four years in a dark room with nothing but books to keep you company. Literally, and I stress the literally part greatly.

"Kill you if you ever address me as such again." One of them snickered at me, and nudged the other.

"I have heard that there was a new white clad girl hanging around the black swordsman. Would that be you?" I huffed, and crossed my arms. Crazy moment just tossed out the window. And here I was having an internal dialogue about insanity, and then they just ignore me. But isn't it beautiful how fast rumours spread? I have been in SAO for a week, remember. One week.

"I have been with Kirito, but I'm not a girl." I was ignored. That seems to be the most popular of things, me being ignored.

"Do you think we should kill her? She might have some high skills, considering she has been with frontliners. Maybe we should just kidnap her." The other one laughed, well more like cackled evilly. See, here's another thing, if the people you're trying to act insane towards are insane, you don't get anywhere and just end up running around in circles.

"Kill her of course, we _are_ a murder guild." I sighed, and they pulled out weapons.

"So, if we try to consider this wisely, you two being here must mean that your guild is in this forest, right? Or you're looking for, what do you call the players you kill? Prey? Victims?" Let's call the one on the left Sharol, and the other Rufula. Sharol charged at me, and swung his sword at my head. Kirito had taught me to aim lower on the body, because most people go high, so they won't have enough time to lower their sword before being hit. So I ducked under Sharol's weapon with ease. I pulled my sword out of my scabbard, and blocked Rufula's attack. Overhand, left block, advance, block, swipe, and so on. I will say this in all secrecy, Kirito was right when he said I shouldn't wonder alone. I got hit every third attack, and they did cause some damage, but my hits only worked every second. Which considering the numbers, I'm better, but there was two men I was fighting. I landed a good blow on Rufula's shoulder, and left a deep red mark.

"Hah! Bring it on." Sharol growled and me, and used a power hit to stab my stomach. I gasped in pain, yes pain, and grabbed the sword. He retched it from my belly, and sliced at my chest.

"Your life bar is almost gone, little girl. Though you did put up a good fight." I fell to the ground with a hand on my wound. Which is pointless. The two murdering losers grinned down at me, and Rufula lifted up his sword to deal the final blow. I closed my eyes, and waited. It started as a warm feeling coming from the wound in my abdomen, and then spread towards my head. As it reached my shoulder blades, it became ice cold, and I felt like someone was ripping my bones right out of my body.

"God's skill unlocked, three levels unlocked." I peeked open my eyes at the sound of a new voice, only to see whiteness, but I heard Sharol and Rufula laughing.

"Is this some kind of joke? Are you trying to scare us?" I blinked a couple of times, and the world started taking shape, both the Laughing Coffin members were staring down at me with smirks, so I did the polite thing and smiled back. The pain slowly slipped out of my body, and I stood up with a quiet groan. I hung my arms and head, much like a zombie, and tilted my head to the side until my hair fell away from one eye so I could stare at them. Rufula took a nervous step away from me, and lowered his cleaver a little bit.

"W-what's she doing?" I felt amazingly light, and then noticed that I was floating in the air, with a white halo-ish thing glowing around me, like in that scene in Lord of the Rings, when Gandalf came back as how Saruman should have been, and he was glowing and shit, that's what I felt like I looked like anyway. One of my hands slowly lifted and pointed at them.

"God's Skill: God's Blade." The voice was completely emotionless, and slightly scary sounding, but at the same time it sounded like it belonged to a little boy of ten. Something warm started spreading across my back, and down my arms. Then balls of light shaped like daggers shot past me and stabbed Rufula. I stared at him, now with multiple holes through his torso, arms, _and_ legs, and then looked at Sharol, who was staring back at me with horror. He dropped his blade, and ran away from me. This time the puppet master who was controlling my limbs lifted my other arm and then brought my hands together.

"God's Skill: Bringer of Death." My hands shot apart, and to the side, while a large whitish golden sun formed in front of me. It grew to about the size of a beach ball, and then fired without a single sound. I watched, borderline horrified, as it quickly gained on Sharol before finally hitting his body. At first nothing happened, except for Sharol stumbling when my beach balled sized white sun hit him, and then freezing. After a few more seconds he clutched his chest, and his body started to glow. It started off evenly placed, and then it started cracking though his skin in some places, where in others it seemed to boil out of him. And then he melted. You know how in this game when people die, they sort of shatter like glass? Well, Sharol melted into nothing, and Rufula was lying in front of me as a bloody mess. No pieces flying off into the sky, no shattering sound, nothing. Just normal actual deaths. Like, as if I killed them IRL and not in a video game.

"Why aren't I surprised that the disturbances where you?" My, still controlled by a puppet master, body turned around sharply, and my hand lifted once again. Bach was standing a few feet away, casually leaning on a tree like he did not just watch me murder two people.

"State your purpose." Bach raised an eyebrow at me, and I silently screamed at him to get me free.

"I am the guardian of this body." My body relaxed a little bit, and my hand lowered to a safer height.

"Then I leave him to you." The puppet master finally let my body go, and I fell to the ground in one large heap. My HP bar started beeping again, but I just stared up at the sky. Staring at nature always had a calming effect on me. Snow falling, rain, waves crashing on something, clouds, grass everything. And I kind of needed a calming influence at the moment. Bach sighed, and nudged me with his shoe.

"Up and at'em, Princess. There are more of them coming. Why don't you try a mental attack this time, and not a physical one. His Majesty both knows you can't do it." He used a healing crystal on me, and grinned. I sighed, and pushed myself off the ground. I'll have to think about the bodies on the ground later. By the time I made it to my feet, which did take some time, Bach had once again disappeared, and I was in the middle of a half-circle of cult worshippers. They all stared in open shock at Rufula's dead body, and at the puddle that was once Sharol. Of course it was in admiration, and not silent horror like what I was secretly experiencing. Nobody would ever believe you if you told them that though, so it would be pointless. How about this, we agree to not say anything about my urge to throw up, or my guilty screams in my head? Or we agree to all agree even if you want to disagree about agreeing, or even disagree about agreeing to agree. Cough cough, moving onward.

"What's this? Di-did you kill them?" I tilted my head to the side, and smiled happily. Then slowly walked over to Sharol's body, and did something, (without even thinking about it, I was in psycho mode.) that I regret to this day. I dragged my fingers down one of the larger wounds on his torso, and then stared at my bloody fingers before stroking my cheek with them.

"Fufufufu. They didn't want to play with me. I only wanted to play house." I touched my forefinger to my thumb, and placed them over my eye, getting my face more bloody in the process.

"Do you, want to," I ran my other hand down the same wound, and grinned as evilly as possible up at the main group.

"Play with me?" I stoody from the body, and held myself dramatically.

"I am so lonely here. Nobody ever wants to play with me, so I kill them all. Should I kill them? But I want to! I want to hear the same screams this one made, those high pitched ones, filled with pain!" I placed a hand over my mouth to stifle my giggling. My mind trick worked on most of them, but there was this one guy, right in front of me who didn't look bothered in the least. Most people, even those as insane as the person I was acting out, still have the tiniest bit of sanity left in them. And that's what keeps them from ruling the world. Part of their conscience feels guilt, and so stops them from doing things that would completely push them over the edge. That's why even though theses idiots were all murderers, they still stepped back from me in horror. That's why mind games like these work on just about anybody. Unless they are completely insane, or that they are made of stone. I met a guy like that once…. But that's a story for another time.

The man who didn't react to my act, summoned his weapon, a long thick saber, and pointed it at me. I pulled my sword out of the dirt next to me, where it had fallen in my puppet moment, and held it lazily above my head.

"Are we playing now? Can we? I want to play house, you be the family, and I'll play as the good little neighbor who always comes over for tea. Then I'll kill you all and use your body parts to make my food. I am running low on ingredients." Another guy pulled out a cleaver, and inched towards the undaunted one.

"I don't think we should fit this guy, ZaZa. She's not right in the head, and if she was able to do this to our top members. She would take out most of us." My smile twitched, and I gripped my sword tighter. I remember ZaZa. The reason why I remember is simple. He is one out of two characters from the whole story that I actually thought were interesting. Shinkawa Shouichi, and Shino Asada. Sinon, because she was smoking hot, and super talented, not to mention she didn't turn all sweet after falling in love. And Shouichi because, well, I don't know. His story, and his brother's sort of stuck with me.

"ZaZa? The Red eyed ZaZa, one of the top members of Laughing Coffin. I know you." I dropped my head, and let my sword also droop. He, unlike all the others, wasn't scared by my psychotic mind game, so I have to try my unexplainable intel on him instead.

"I can see you." I grinned at him again, and started my new game.

"You're Shinkawa Shouichi, you have a little brother named Kyoji, and your father is a doctor, but you're a sickly and frail child, aren't you Shou-kun? Little Kyo-kun has to take over instead of you, because you're worthless. Is that why you follow Poh so avidly? Because only in games where everything is lies, will you be able to hope for anything above the lowest level of patheticness. I know all about you, Shou-kun, I see it all." I stopped talking and grabbed at my stomach and forced myself to laugh loudly. ZaZa was shaking, and half the men that had surrounded me were gone.

"I know all about you, Schmitt, Caynz, Yolko, Poh, and even Atsushi Kanemoto. I want to play house now, will you play with me, Shou-kun, Johnny-kun? It's showtime, after all." ZaZa visibly winced when I used Poh's catchphrase, and stepped back from me.

"Sorry to disappoint you, but we have a previous engagement." They turned to leave, but the genuine crazy side of my brain called out to them.

"Oh? You going after Kirito, and Asuna? Or is it Caynz and Yolko from the Golden Apple Guild? Hired by Grimlock?" Atsushi, A.K.A. Johnny Black, glanced back at me from the corner of his eye.

"Next time we meet, I'll make sure to get all the answers about your intel, Bedlam's Undertaker ." I waved, in a overly zealous manner at them, and didn't stop till I couldn't see or hear them. I used one of the skills Kirito showed me how to use, and scanned the area to see if the really left, before collapsing to my knees. Bedlam's Undertaker? What the actual fugly crackers? I shook my head, and stood. I almost fell again, but caught myself, and made my way over to the closest tree. I lifted up my hand to call up my menu, but my hand was shaking too hard for it to work.

"Guess I'll have to walk back to town. It's not safe here." I gripped my sword tighter, and growled. Bedlam? Seriously? I'm a freaking angel, and he gave me a nickname after the most notorious Insane Asylum of all time, then dared to add on Undertaker. Like I would ever work there, it's not even being used anymore, on top of that, I never even left the United States of America! I get that I was going for mental scarring, but that was just mean. An image of Sharol melting popped into my head, and my stomach twisted. I clamped a hand over my mouth to keep from puking, but that too didn't work, and a few seconds later I found myself leaning against a tree for support, and a steady stream of half digested food with a ton of stomach acid and blood mixed in, came rocketing out from my mouth and splattered all over the place. I have a very poor gag reflex, by the way. So hearing someone gag, or even smelling puke, can easily make me puke as well. Something everyone who ever knew me hated.

It took me a while, but I finally made my way to the town, and just in time to watch a guy hang himself, and some chick faint. That's when I lost it. I swayed before sinking to the ground with a thump. No I didn't faint, I just sort of, fainted while staying conscience. Like how people daydream. Multiple people stepped on me when they all started dispersing, and one guy even told me to get off my ass. I just glared at him, and he scurried away like the rat he resembled. As you can see, I wasn't in the most sunny attitude then.

"Prince? What are you doing on the ground?" I lifted myself onto my elbows, with much effort, and grimaced. I had forgotten about the blood all over my face, and hands, and the smell of puke that was hovering around me. In case you're wondering, and I know you are, my hair came out of this perfectly. Not a single drop of blood or vomit to be seen anywhere near my hair, and it was still perfectly brushed into the ponytail I had put it in earlier, out of boredom of course. I take no pleasure in playing with my hair.

"Oh, Kirito. I don't feel well. Is it possible to get sick in a video game? Games sure have progressed since my time. Or maybe it's cause I'm dead?" Kirito looked me over with a frown, and placed his hands on mis hips.

"I leave you alone for a few hours and you cover yourself in some red paint? Were you that bored without me?" Asuna, who was standing behind Kirito, snickered at me. Oh, that's right. People don't bleed here. So there's no way he would think this was blood. I touched my cheek, and stared at my red fingertips. The blood had already dried, and was now starting to flake off, and turn a muddy red colour. It didn't really look like it belonged in a body anymore.

"Kirito, I don't want to be here anymore. Can I go back?" He quirked an eyebrow at me, and Asuna copied his action.

"Prince, what are you talking about? You shouldn't need Kirito's permission to go home, unless," Asuna trailed off as she glanced over at Kirito. I sighed. I can't behave like this, it doesn't fit my personality. I pushed aside the whirlwind of feeling I was experiencing, and smiled mischiefly up at them.

"Hah, I was just joking around. Boredom really does have a weird effect on the human brain. So, what's going on?" Kirito tapped his chin, and looked me over once more, before telling me about how he was eating with Asuna when they heard a scream, and rushed to the town square only to find the guy had already been killed. Both of them were handling the situation rather well, and even pointed out a girl with dark brown hair and gentle eyes standing several feet from us.

"That's Yolko, I'm hoping she might know more about what's going on here." I waved over at her, and stood from the ground. I dusted off my butt, and then folded my hands behind my head. So, the murder in the safe zone has begun.

We managed to convince Yolko to join us in a hotel that had a restaurant on the ground floor, it was actually my persuasive skills in the work there. She explained that she thought it was about the rare item her ex guild, Golden Apple, had found

"We all agreed to let our guild leader, Griselda, keep ahold of it until we sell it. But someone killed her, and now her ghost has come back to kill us!" I scoffed, silently. Because if it wasn't silent Asuna would have smacked me through a wall. She got awfully comfortable with Kirito, awfully fast….. Che…

"There were five of us in total, Griselda our leader, her husband, Grimlock, they were even married in real life you know. Then there was me, Caynz, and Schmitt. Schmitt has joined the DDA, and Caynz, Caynz was the one in the square. We were meeting up, all three of us. But Schmitt ran off after seeing Caynz, di-die." I sighed once again, and looked out the window next to us. I so wanted to just pop in and say 'Hey! It's Grimlock, he's the murderer, and here's what happened and this guy's not dead either! Let's move on!' But I got this sneaking suspicion that I might suffer from that. Although I think Asuna knew something was up, because she kept looking at me. After that we made our way up stair, and I got to sit with Yolko while Asuna and Kirito hunted down Schmitt. I pretended to go check on them, so Yolko could stab herself in the back, heh heh, and then sat back down on a chair with a groan.

"You seem tired. I didn't know that was possible in game." I glanced at her with one eye, and frowned.

"Why are you going to such lengths to find her killer? What if it was just a orange player looking for easy prey?" Yolko shook her head.

"That's not possible, no one outside of the guild knew when she left or where she was selling the ring. We've spent six months looking for them, and now we're finally closing down. It can't be C-Caynz, because he's dead. And it's not me, and it can't be Grimlock because he was her husband. That leaves Schmitt." I let out a puff of air, and closed my eye.

"Don't be ridiculous. It's obviously Grimlock. And you know that, that's why you and Caynz came up with that silly, yet really smart idea. It really is smart, Yolko." She took a nervous step away from me, and towards the window. Then Kirito and Asuna returned with Schmitt. The talked some more, not like I listened, and then, just before Yolko fell out the window, she looked right at me. It wasn't a franticly scared look, like the ones she had been wearing since the others came back, no. It was a death glare. Don't you dare say anything, Prince. Don't you dare. That's what I got from her eyes before she fell, and then shattered. After that, Schmitt lost all his wits, and freaked out big time. Kirito tried to chase down the cloaked figure, while Asuna tried to calm down the big buffoon, but he ended up running away from her. But I didn't really notice. I just, I just wasn't feeling it anymore. I was just super sleepy, and just a wee bit overwhelmed with everything. About time, my body really is bad at staying in tune with everything else. It was finally realizing where we were, and what was going on. Its exhausting, let me tell you. Everyday some new thing popped up, or something extreme happened. So much information was being stuffing into my head in such a short time, so it's not surprising that I just went limp on everything, right? Just like a spoiled brat who's trying to escape their parent's grip, and go limp on them to make it more difficult. Except that's not me…

Well, anyway. After Kirito returned, he and Asuna started talking about what had happened, but again I paid little attention. Which was noticed, finally.

"Hey, Prince, are you alright? You've been acting strange all afternoon, no make that day." I shrugged my shoulders, but otherwise, didn't even move.

"What happened, after you left Asuna?" Another shrug.

"Shouldn't you be worrying about the kill in a safe zone? That's a pretty big deal, you know." I opened one eye to glance over at the soon to be lovers. They were silently staring back, but then Asuna turned away from me.

"Come on, she's right. Let's leave her here, and go figure this thing out. I think I have an idea or two." I sort of wanted to strangle the stupid asian, I say asian because I honestly have no idea what her hair colour is called, but it's not like it would do anything. I lifted a hand, and waved lazily at them.

"Bye then. Bring me back a pie." Kirito ignored us both, and sat down in front of me.

"I'll meet you downstairs, Asuna. I want to talk with Prince." She huffed, and left. Leaving me alone with the black swordsman.

"So, Prince, what happened after you left Asuna?" I shrugged again.

"Why do you even care? It's not like we're sworn brothers or anything. We haven't even known each other very long."

"But, I, for some unknown reason, consider you a very valuable friend. You remind me of my little sister, in a way." Isn't that what he said to Silica? Whatever.

"Fine. I wandered off into the woods, and came across two members of Laughing Coffin. We fought, and I almost died, but some weird AI, or bug, took over my body and used unknown skills to kill them off. They died actual deaths, not a game death, Kirito. They cried out in pain, real pain, and bled real blood. Then after they both died, their bodies remained there, as if it was in real life. Not in a game. Then more showed up, and I mentally scarred them all into running away, but earned myself the name Bedlam's Undertaker in the process. Then I had to crawl myself back here, with my hands and face covered in the blood of the people I just murderer." At least, that's what I almost said. But I stopped myself. Kirito had enough problems to deal with, especially for someone so young. He is the hero of this story after all, and it won't be ending anytime soon. What I actually said was that I got in a fight with an NPC and a whole bunch of people made fun of me, and I was pouting. And he took that with no hesitation at all, kind of makes you wonder what the hell kind of impressions I leave on others.

"Alright, you sound kind of down, so I'll leave you here, and go out with Asuna. I'll be back later, alright? And Prince, try to be more careful next time? This isn't a game. At least not a safe one." I sighed, and shook my head.

"Get out of here Kirito." He laughed, and then left me. I followed his example, and laughed. What a world what a world, as the Wicked Witch once said.

END OF CHAPTER SIX.

A/N: I have no regrets. Except maybe publishing the first chapter on a whim, and not writing the entire thing out, before posting it. If you want to hear my excuse, it's that I really don't want to rewatch the entire show, so I can get it all correct. I really just don't understand how some people can do that, but then again. I don't have motivation for anything. Except maybe sleeping. Well, review please, I would enjoy it. And I apologize for making my current two followers wait so long.

IMPORTANT NOTICE! BECAUSE I SERIOUSLY DON'T WANT TO WRITE OUT EACH EPISODE, PRINCE AND KIRITO WON'T BE TOGETHER MOST OF THE TIME NOW. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT TED/PRINCE, AND NOT ABOUT KIRITO. IN FACT, SAO IS MORE OF A SIDE STORY, SORRY IF YOU WANTED SOMETHING ELSE.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven:

**NekoLazy:** Yeah, I didn't do that on purpose. Mind as well admit to it right? Anyway, thanks for your review!

Ah~ I want to thank _**NekoLazy**_, and _**rex727**_, for favouriting, and following this enchanting fable. Along with the current 355 traffic viewers, at this particular time as I write this. Although, with my good looks, it's probably increasing as I type this. Anyway, on to the story.

By the time Asuna and Kirito returned, I had already convinced myself that it was possible to get drunk, and was sprawled across the floor, eagle spread. Of course it was also late late at night, and he was out with a girl that I mildly disliked, though with every passing second after we met, I felt like her hatred for me only grew…...Obviously besides the point. The point, cough, was that, um. Kirito was out late with a girl, I guess? Oh I know! How about, they stomped into the room, with sixty pound shoes made of iron, and decided to grow a freaking sun right in front of my face, turn on a paper shredder, a vacuum, set off four mines, two bombs, and blare a fog horn in my ear, while shooting a machine gun off next to my other ear, and then Asuna stepped on my hand. Maybe it was the kiss. Did I go overboard with that? I feel like I did, but I totally said sorry, so it's not like, my fault anymore. It was the kiss wasn't it. Damn it! I let myself become overwhelmed by my hormones. Haven't had any time to jerk off, if you know what I mean. Sorry, that was extremely out of line, I wouldn't actually do that, and consider it to be gross for the most part. I am the very model of a modern English Gentleman, I am the very model of a modern English Gentleman. It's my mantra, OK. So how's about we forget the thing, and go back to Asuna hating me. Because it's down right scary, a woman's feelings. Plus she still thinks I'm a girl. I thought I proved to her my manliness, but I guess not. Unfortunately I feel too guilty for disgracing her pure lips, cough cough, to do anything about her lack of knowledge on my gender. Cough, I hate her more, cough cough.

I was then picked up by my darling Kirito, who basically tossed me onto the couch, and then he departed for his own room, and left me there with Asuna. She, the little rich brat that she is, ignored my body, which I had forced to remain still, and went to bed. After I was certain she was asleep, I stood up and stretched. Stupid idiots. I slowly snuck towards the door, and glanced back at Asuna's sleeping form before leaving the room. While I was being a total badass ninja, and crept through the hall, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I brought a finger to my lips, and shhhed the owner of the finger.

"Shhh, I'm sneaking away."

"Oh really? Why?" I snickered quietly and shrugged my shoulders.

"I honestly have no idea." We rounded the corner, and then made our way to the roof, in total and complete secrecy. When we made it to my desired destination, I gave a sigh of relief.

"He'll never find me here. Fu fu fu fu."

"Who won't find you?" I let out a puff of air, and laid back with my hands behind my head.

"I don't really know, Kirito? Bach? Maybe Asuna? I just don't want company right now. Or at least company of people I have to deal with everyday." I felt the person next to me lay down after a slight pause.

"Tell me about it, I am curious to know a few things." I kept my eyes closed, but turned my head to face the stranger.

"How about this, I tell you, a stranger, all my woes, and you tell me all your woes, and then we part ways as unnamed friends?" The man chuckled slowly.

"It sounds like you just want to complain to someone without the embarrassment." I laughed, and then choked on my laugh. Then there was some coughing, and a few lost lungs. Anyway…

"You got that right. So, where do we start?" We both remained silent for several minutes before the stranger sighed.

"I didn't want for it to turn out this way. I just, I just wanted to build my castle." I popped open my eyes, and flat out stared at Kayaba Akihiko. OK, when I said that I only liked Shinon and ZaZa, I was kind of lying. Hell, I've lied about half the stuff I've said. Well, half the stuff I've said about myself. Everything that has happened, has happened. But I'll say something, but forget a few things to do with that topic, and then remember it later, it really sucks having a memory like mine. But anyway, Kayaba was also someone I really liked. Don't judge me, I've always been weird when it came to liking fictional characters. Like in Death Note, the only character I liked was Ryuk, and in Lord of the Rings I always had a soft spot for the King of the Wraiths.

"Oh shit man. This didn't go as planned." He shrugged, and I sighed.

"It doesn't matter about the nameless part really. I'm Ted, but the way. How about instead we just ask questions, and then we have to answer them, both of us. Or would you rather just talk?" Kayaba laughed again, and held his hand out to me.

"Nice to meet you Ted, I'm Akihiko. I like the latter better, honestly." I took his hand and we shook.

"So, you can keep going." He smiled at me, and took a deep breath.

"The reason why I changed the game, was because I knew no one would take my creation seriously otherwise. But I didn't want people to die. That's just the way it turned out."

"Well, I like it this way better. Though some people don't think this is real, I do." Akihiko let out a small sigh of relief. After that, we both shared stories about ourselves and our pasts. It wasn't a sob story, and it wasn't happy either. Eventually we got to childhoods, which were rather closely connected considering I was born two years before Akihiko.

"Hey! I'm older than you, if Kirito was right about the year, I would be thirty now." I groaned, and placed a hand over my face.

"I'm so old." Akihiko laughed again.

"I never would have thought. You don't look that old." I glanced around suspiciously, before leaning in close to him.

"I've been dead roughly eleven years now. I died when I was nineteen, on my second year anniversary of freedom from my evil lego worshipping aunt. It's like it's suppose to be a secret, but I don't see any harm in telling you about it. I died, and then I ended up here for some unknown reason. Awesome isn't it?" Akihiko shook his head at me.

"So was your brain downloaded onto some sort of chip?" I openly stared at him in pure shock.

"Was my brain downloaded, using technology that wasn't around, onto some sort of chip, or something. Did you, someone who, as I'm told by a used to be very big fan of yours, the smartest mind of your time, and that wasn't suppose to rhyme. Neither was that. Anywho, did you _just _say that?" Akihiko laughed quietly at me, before sighing deeply.

"So what happened?" I glared at the dark sky for a few minutes.

"It all started with a pineapple… So um, I have no idea." I looked back over at Akihiko, and took in his _strong_ features. He wasn't in his original form, but was in his Heathcliff body. Which I found greatly less cool than his real body. Then I told him so.

"So, I told you a major secret, bigger than yours. So why don't you tell me something." He remained silent.

"Uhh, so…. Why did you go with that face? You're Heathcliff, the creator of the Order of the Blood Knights, or whatever they're called." He sighed, seriously, what is with all the sighing around me? Are they that astounded by my beauty? Shit, I can't say that anymore. Now cuz, you know, that thing happened to me. You know, the princess crap I told you about in the second chapter? Or was it the third? Well excuse me for having issues about my newly discovered feminine side.

"What a pair we make. Me, the genius game developer who imprisoned 10,000 people in a death game and then joined them and created the best, and most powerful guild. And you, the dead young woman, who has no idea how or why she was added into a videogame made a decade after her death." I stood up with mini fires flying around me like angry spirits.

"I'm a **man**. A _**man**_! I have a dick, I have no boobs, I desire after women, or at least I did until I came to this place. Now I have no sexual interest in anyone, which annoys me. But anyway, man." Akihiko stared up at me with a small smile on his face, and then he stood up. He was a good head and one quarter taller than me, but that didn't make me less pissed off.

"I am so tired of people mistaking me for a girl!" I crossed my arms and stomped my foot in frustration.

"Then why don't you try looking more like a man, and not a woman?" I glared quite evilly at Akihiko.

"I can't. All my clothing is female, and Kirito takes all the money I get. He likes to see me suffer." We shared a crazy old man laugh, and Akihiko patted my back, condescendingly of course.

"Well, I would have never taken an interest in you if you didn't look the way you do." I made a face.

"What, am I that pretty? Please say no." We had another laugh, and then slowly made our ways down stairs, before he left me alone, I grabbed his elbow.

"One last question, you created this game, and this technology. So, what I'm wondering, is um well. Since I'm not really a player, can you explain what my special skill, God's Skill, is?"Akihiko raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"That is no skill I created. If you want, I can check it out. Would you mind explaining to me what happened, so I can get a full picture." I took a deep breath, and glanced around.

"Okay. I was fighting some red players of in the woods, a little ways from here. Well, I was about three seconds from dying, and this thing happened." I stared intently at Akihiko, who just blinked blankly.

"Well, um. There was this voice and it said some stuff about different skills unlocked and then I started floating, there were odd balls of light that shot out from around me, and at the PKers, and then they died. But like, with blood and stuff." He tapped his chin remained silent for several seconds before placing his hands on my shoulders.

"If I didn't know any better, I would say you were a powerful self-aware boss, with special skills. But that's not possible." He let me go, and turned away from me. Akihiko didn't say anything, and just sort of walked away. Like, he left me there, without an answer. I stared after the hallway he disappeared in, and placed a hand on the wall next to me. After that, which was several minutes deep in thought, I trailed back to me and Kirito's room, and lifted my hand to knock. I hesitated, and then lowered it. He left me in Asuna's room, with her. And for some odd reason it makes me feel depressed. When I was alive, the few friends I had always left me behind. They always hung out with me, and then excelled far past me. After that happened, I was alone again. Kirito was just the same, hell, everyone is the same. Except Bach. But Bach won't leave me because I'm his charge. There's something nice I guess. Once my hand had dropped completely, I turned and walked back to Asuna's room, then plopped back down onto the couch, and went to sleep. The last thing on my mind was Akihiko's face when he laughed. Well, Heathcliff's face.

Several sun rises passed after that day of days when something amazing happened. I was proposed to. This was happening while Kirito was busy having a new sword commissioned by some chick, so I had been spending a lot of time with Akihiko, who I've taken to calling Aki. Now, Asuna has basically been my babysitter so she hangs around me a lot. Which makes it seem like I really am a girl. Especially since she knows I feel guilty for kissing her. So there's this one guy, Togir, who hangs around Aki and since I'm forced to be with Asuna, who is the second in command, I'm around Aki a lot. Who has a secretary named Togir. So all this time where I've been forced to socialize, Togir has been 'falling in love' with me…. Cue tears. Of course Aki noticed, and he finds it quite humourous, and he has only made it worse. Would you like to know how he has made it worse? Well let me regale the tale of how my sanity was put in danger by hormones-crazed fools.

It began with a meeting that Asuna dragged me to~

"But Asuna, I have no reason to go in there with you!" In reality, I was a bit nervous meeting Akihiko after that one night.

"I don't care, Kirito asked me to keep an eye on you while he trained. It's either me, or Klein. Who ever that is." I frowned at her, and crossed my arms.

"Why do I even bother?" I stomped past her, and threw the doors open. There were a bunch of people in fancy armor sitting around a circular table, with one guy standing behind Akihiko. I lifted a hand, and stared, with a completely bored expression I might add, at them.

"Hey." I walked over to the only free chair, the one belonging to Asuna and sat down. Akihiko smiled down at me, what? I was slouching….. I don't like being short, short people are more of a childish evil, and I like the Satan evil. I actually took this game test thing, and it said I was Satan incarnate, then I play Ouija with some idiots from class, I didn't actually touch the board. I just watched, but anywho. The damn thing said, it really said this; 'there's no need for me to show, when you have a demon in your presence already.' Everyone freaked out, and then started looking around. They asked where it was, and lo and behold, the thing moved to point at me. I had to transfer school after that. Again with the side tracked. Cough cough, I think there's something in my throat. Oh right, its that frog I had for breakfast. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, slouching.

Akihiko placed his hand on my head, and _stroked my hair._ Then the meeting continued, of course Asuna was forced to stand behind me, but that's not important. It was the stares that I paid attention to. After that thing with the sexy red head, I had finally realized not only that people stare at me, but why. They are bewitched by my beauty. Legit. So that's where Togir first saw me, and illegally fell in love. After the meeting, I followed Akihiko until we were alone, and then jumped him.

"Aki! Hey, wait up!" He paused and turned to face me.

"Did you find anything?" He frowned slightly, and looked behind me. I followed his gaze to see Asuna trying to hide behind a corner. Idiot. Kirito must have asked her to see what was going on with me.

"Uh, I might have come up with something. But are you sure you want to know?" We moved out of hearing distance from Asuna, then I nodded.

"Well, I spent some time going over your profile, and the data coding that makes up your avatar. You're built as an AI. In fact, you might actually be one." I raised an eyebrow.

"Like how so?" He fingered a strand of my hair, and then held it up to my face. Instead of pale blonde, it was a startling silver. Like obviously silver, or like white gold. There was no colour to it anymore.

"When we met in the inn, your hair was yellowish. Now its colour is gone. And your eyes were blue, yet now they are the same shade as your hair." I let out a small gasp, and then groaned.

"How does that make me an AI?" Akihiko crossed his arms.

"You're an immortal object, but there's a block on your abilities that won't unlock until your health has gone down to a certain spot. You aren't a high level self aware NPC though, because you aren't stuck in SAO. You could leave, just like you entered, much like a virus. And the Laughing Coffin members you killed, they actually died. Unlike how the players were dying before, these two were terribly mutilated." I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath.

"But that's not possible, I was in game." There was a pregnant pause.

"There's this torture from Europe that used electricity on the nerves. They would electrocute the victims, basically frying the nervous system until they could no longer feel things properly. Then they would tie the victims to a bed, or chair, and blindfold them."

"What does this have to do with me?" He ignored me and kept going.

"Then they would drag knives across their wrist's, just enough to where the victim could feel something on their skin, but not enough to make them bleed. Then water was slowly poured over the mark where the knife was. They victims believed so completely that they were cut, that their brain made it possible, and they would start bleeding. People would be manipulated into believing that they were being hurt, so they would create the symptoms themselves. I think that what you did, had the same effect on brain like that torture did, and so the bodies mutilated themselves." I took a deep breath, and then turned and puked. After the first retch, I stood there shivering, then fell to my knees and vomited again. Akihiko pulled my hair out and rubbed my back for me.

"I never designed the ability to puke in this game. Things like needing to eat from hunger, or showering, or using toilets weren't added. Yet here you are vomiting food that can't be digested." I tossed a glare at him, before another spasm shook my body. It started from my shoulders, and then moved to the rest of my in the midst of my vomiting, I caught a glance of Asuna peeking around the corner at me. Her eyes were wide, and it seemed like she totally forgot she was suppose to be hiding. We continued like that for several more minutes before my body decided it had enough, and I collapsed into Akihiko's arms. He carried me to his room, where I fell asleep on his bed.

Rumours quickly spread about the odd new frontliner seen with both the Black Swordsman, and the Lighting Flash, and even the Commander or the Knights of the Blood Oath. Unfortunately my body actually became sick, so I was stuck to bed. Which caused even more rumours. Now, you don't want to hear about the several days I spent sleeping because something is wrong with me on a fundamental level, you want to hear about the guy who confessed to me. Well, Akihiko was busy with taking care of his guild, so he couldn't take of me. So I was handed off to his assistant, Togir, who fell in love with me. His confession went a little something like this:

"Lady Prince," No matter how many times I threaten him, he just won't get it through his big head. It doesn't even sound right.

"T-There's something I, there's something I want to tell you?" At that point I looked up at him with my face stuffed with cream pastries.

"Whmapht?" He fidgeted with his tunic, before glancing at me.

"I'minlovewithyou!" I blinked and hit my chest so I could swallow properly.

"What?" Togir took a deep breath, and I shoved four more cream horns into my mouth.

"i'm in love with you, please marry me!" And then he got down on one knee and held a ring out to me. That's when I not only noticed Kirito, Asuna, and Akihiko standing at the door, but Bach holding onto the wall to keep himself from falling to the floor with laughter. I promptly spat out the multiple deserts into his face, and stared at him in horror with drool dripping down both our faces. All you could hear was Bach's muffled snickering, and the breathing of my enemies. After a few moments, I gently placed the platter of food I was holding, onto the table next to me, and pulled my sword out of it's sheath.

" . !" I lifted up the blade and slashed Togir right in half. Or almost. Right before it touched the top of his head, Bach grabbed my arm, and whacked me on the head. Togir cowered in fear, and slowly backed away from me. I glared at Bach, and ripped my arm from his grip.

"What the fuck, Bach?! Let me kill the bastard!" He raised an eyebrow at me, and then twisted me around, so he could put me in a choke hold.

"Who's been keeping an eye on this one while I was away?" I tried biting his arm, but that didn't work, so I tried to kick myself free.

"I was, but Heathcliff has been helping me after Prince got sick." Bach's hold tighten slightly at the mention of me being sick.

"I didn't realize it was possible to fall ill in a videogame." I tried to turn around, but I was hit on the back of my neck, and then my world turned black on me.

SPECIAL: **(Special side chapter for my whopping three followers/favourites)**

Bach's side story, and Ted's origins:

Bach glanced around the cave for Ted, who was standing next to Kirito was a bored look on. On closer inspection, Bach realized that Ted, was in fact, asleep...With his eyes open. The buff humanoid pineapple shook his head with amusement, before sneaking out of the meeting. He wandered a little ways from the mountain with the cave, something he kept questioning, and hide himself behind a tree.

"Sah rohda yuhah alkalem suli ros." A lemon coloured light spread from his hands, to the rest of his body, and then faded. Bach's eyebrow twitched, and he coughed. The light came back, and this time he disappeared with it. The trip was what you would expect of alternate time and dimensional travel. It was colourful, bright, loud, and amazing. Stars wissed by, planets exploded, it was warm, then it was hot, and then he finally arrived. The first thing he noticed was the cold. It was mid January, and he was wearing no layers at all. Bach waved a hand, and a large winter coat appeared on his shoulders. He gave a yawn, and stretched before trudging up the long driveway to the Prince Manor. His goal was to find Artoria Prince, commonly known as Evil Lego Ambassador aunt. He didn't even make it to the halfway mark when the object of his search came walking down the driveway.

"Ah, can I help you?" Bach eyed her before holding out a hand.

"I'm here about Ted." Her smile disappeared, and was replaced with a large frown.

"Ted's been dead for six years. What could you possibly want with him?" Bach lowered his offered hand, and sighed.

"Why don't we go inside to talk about it? I'd rather not stay out in the cold." She glanced up at her house, and then back at Bach. He looked her over, immediately noticing the major difference between her and her nephew. When alive, Ted had brown slightly curly hair that looked like he cut it, and green eyes. He was handsome, but it took awhile to grow accustomed to him, he was tall and skinny as well. But Artoria was short, on the chubby side, although she looked like an hourglass, and had ginger coloured hair with hazel eyes. Her face was more impish than attractive. All in all, they didn't look related in the slightest.

"Yeah, sure." They both walked up to the very large building silently. They didn't speak until Bach was sitting on a chair in the livingroom, and Artoria across from him.

"You're not human are you?" Bach's eyes widened in shock. Artoria smiled and picked up a photo resting on the table next to her.

"See this? This is Ted's mother, Marada, and Ted's father, James." The woman looked like a mixture of Ted and Artoria, but the man was black.

"James was from Jamaica, and met Mara after she was already pregnant. I don't know why I'm telling you this, but humm." She paused and stared at Bach.

"You don't seem human to me."

"I'm not. I'm from a planet called Cytrius. I want to know a few things about Ted and his parentage. For the safety of the universe of course." Artoria sighed, and placed the picture down. She didn't say anything for several moments, and then sighed again.

"Let me guess, Ted didn't die, and is instead in some other place, but he's causing trouble like normal and you need to learn about him so he doesn't kill someone." Bach leaned back in his seat, and grinned at the short woman. She was much smarter than he thought. He waved a hand at her, silently telling her to begin.

"Alright, but promise me that you're feelings for him won't change." Bach nodded, and she began.

"It was oh, Twenty-six years ago, I think. My father had recently come into a very large amount of money from all his shares. So we were getting ready to move. Of course that caused chaos, which is why all this happened. Mara and I were left alone in the house and Dad and Mom were out purchasing this house. I was only fourteen, and Mara seventeen, at the time. I remember that there was a storm that night, so Mara asked me to go outside and look for our cat with her. She had this big fear of the dark, which I totally understood. We wandered around in the woods for two hours before we found our cat, dead. He had his stomach sliced open, and was hanging upside down from a tree branch." She paused and stared down at her clenched hands.

"We had barely taken two steps when a whole group of people in dark blue robes showed up with knives. They put bags over our heads and dragged us off to God knows where. I guess the reason they didn't use me first was because I was too young…..But sometimes I wish they did. We were in a cage, so I could see everything they did to her." She paused again. Bach released a breath he had no idea he was holding.

"I found out later that we had been missing for two weeks. Two weeks of beatings, and torture. They used us both for their enjoyment, oh, not rape. But insulting and hitting. They barely fed us, and wouldn't let us out of the cage. Until the last day, that's when they took Mara. It started off with kicking, and tossing her around the room, but then this one guy showed up and started yelling at them. After that, they ripped her clothes off and forced her down onto an altar in the middle of the room. They bound her arms above her head, and then dragged a knife down her chest. It wasn't a deep cut, but it did leave a scar. Everything after that is kind of hazy. They were chanting, and then a cup of something was poured on her. Then the room got extreamly dark. It was like shadows were crawling up the walls, and the room got very cold. A man stepped out of the dark and then, I don't remember. When I woke back up, Mara was shaking me. She was completely healed with nothing but a thin scar, not even a single bruise. But there was a silverish tattoo on her lower abdomen. Everyone in the room, about thirty people, they were all dead. Blood splattered everywhere, limbs everywhere. We escaped and ran through the woods until we got to a road, and waited for a car. A police officer off of duty found us, it was James actually. He took us to the police station, and then we went home. A few months later we found out that Mara was pregnant. She was oddly protective of the fetus, to the point where when Dad told her to get an abortion, she pulled a knife out and threaten to stab him." Bach rubbed his temples, while Artoria talked. It was almost fictional, what had happened to them.

"Can you tell me more about that man?"

"He was white. White long hair, pale skin, vibrant pale eyes, white clothing white horns, white scaly wings. Like a dragon's wings, all leathery with no feathers. But he was dark. Like his essence, it was black. And cold. He was terrifying, but Mara loved her memory of him though, I couldn't figure out why though. But then again, demons are said to be beautiful."

"Are you sure he was a demon?" She snorted.

"Well, he appeared out of nowhere, was ethereally beautiful, horns, wings, and he massacred everyone as bloodily as possible, and then impregnated my sister. Then magically disappeared." My sister was obsessed with him until she died, but even with all my Dad's money, we couldn't find a single trace of him. He was a demon. And it even explains Ted." Bach raised an eyebrow at her, and frowned. All this left him with was more questions. Artoria chuckled.

"Ted was born as literally a carbon copy of his father. White hair, pale skin, pale silverish eyes, wings and even horns. My parents were so horrified that they immediately disowned Mara and Ted. He changed into a human about four months after he was born, though. The poor kid has been around nothing but bad luck since day one. Through Ted's life, the very few people he's cared for have all died, and he's had nothing but misery. No friends, social outcast on the internet and in real life, all his pets die, the places he worked at all went bankrupt at one point, kids in his schools were sent to asylums, or had to transfer. He had a sleepover once, the house caught on fire and all the kids got the small pox. His first car exploded while he was in the store, and killed an old couple. His first computer broke and then the man who fixed it was electrocuted. It never affected him though, he was never bothered, not even in the slightest. It always made him seem happy though. When he left my house, I was afraid that something might happen, but nothing did. He got a girlfriend, who turned out to be a bitch, and lived alone. Then two years later, he died by choking on a pineapple." Artoria chuckle quietly.

"I always did love that, death by pineapple. So, did that help any?" Bach stood from his seat, and shook his head.

"We already knew he wasn't a human. Unfortunately I can't think of any race that embodies white. Except maybe them, but no. That can't be, they eat the soul of their parent's."

"Well, throughout Mara's pregnancy, she grew very weak, and then even more so after he was born. Maybe he was absorbing her soul, because once he fully represented a human, she died." Bach visibly flinched, and slowly turned to face her.

"But it's not possible. They can't travel themselves, and their entire world is constantly under guard, so they can't get a ship off it, or use any teleporters. There's no way!" Bach broke out in a cold sweat, and a wave of panic rose from his chest.

"What are you talking about? That man was summoned, like a demon." Bach stared at he for a few seconds, and then sprinted out of the room. Before he left, he shouted to her:

"If that man, or any stranger, actually anyone who asks about Ted, don't tell them anything! Nothing, at all!" And then he was gone. Artoria stared out the window silently for quite some time before standing up and going about her day like normal. Several months passed for her before another stranger showed up. He looked like a Mr. Smith from the Matrix, except with longer hair.

"Hello ma'am, are you the living relative of Theodore Prince?" Artoria smile at him.

"Yeah, can I help you?"

"Yes, I would like to talk about his death." Artoria laughed.

"But he died years ago. Don't take it the wrong way, but that kid was horrible. No one liked him. He died by choking on some fruit." The man sighed, and then left. She watched him disappear down her driveway, before letting out a grunt and closing the door. Till the day she died, Artoria kept getting visitors asking about Ted and his parents. But she kept her promise to Bach, and never spoke a word to anyone about him.

End.

Just kidding…

Bach hurried back to Ted as quickly as possible, with grim thoughts. If he was a descendant of that family, then it would explain why he turned into a ghost, and why he was able to jump into alternate dimensions, unlike the rest of that race. But if that was the case, Ted was in grave danger. When Bach finally managed to get back home, he found Ted stuffing his face with food, while three others watched on.

"What's happening?" Staged whisper. Kirito turned and grinned at Bach.

"Someone is trying to confess to Prince." He replied in a staged whisper. Bach started snickering, which gained the attention of the subject, who glared. The man next to Ted said something to Ted, but Bach wasn't paying attention anymore. Something was wrong with Ted, his hair was moving on it's own, and there was a slight glow around his body. Nobody else noticed it, even though it seemed to get brighter with every second. Bach's eyes widened in horror as he realized what was about to happen. He jumped forward as Ted raised the sword, and the grabbed Ted's arm. The look in Ted's eye's was completely evil, it screamed for blood. T

"What the fuck, Bach?! Let me kill the bastard!" Bach raised an eyebrow at Ted, and then twisted him around, so Bach could put him in a choke hold.

"Who's been keeping an eye on this one while I was away?"Ted tried biting the arm around him, but that didn't work, so he tried to kick himself free.

"I was, but Heathcliff has been helping me after Prince got sick." Bach's hold tighten slightly at the mention of Ted being sick.

"I didn't realize it was possible to fall ill in a videogame." Ted tried to turn around, but he was hit on the back of his neck by Bach. Bach watched as Ted went limp, and his eyes slowly closed. He let out an exhausted sigh, and picked him up.

**A/N: **_Okay, so I do apologize, but you see, I have no excuse. Well let's see, I really don't have any excuses. Well, I do hope you enjoyed the chapter, and I did make it nice and long. Well, longer than most of my chapters…...Anywho, I'll try to update before the end of the world._


	8. A freaking N

**_IMPORTANT NNOTICE ALL INTERESTED IN LATER CHAPTERS SHOULD READ:_**

**_A/N: _**_I am terribly sorry. My laptop was murdered, and unfortunately I lack a desktop computer. There is also the fact that I feel like the story is getting farther and farther from what I wanted it to be. Suddenly there are aliens, and gods, and such. I feel like I have quite literally destroyed it. So I might not be updating for a while, if that means some of you leave then so be it. I know that a few of you might think that this isn't worth waiting so long for, and I apologize for that. I am planning on finishing the story, editing it, and then posting the chapters one by one. Or at least write a few chapters ahead before publishing the next one. I really can't get this author thing down, sadly. In case anyone is wondering, I did not lose hope in this! I just need a break from writing so I can work on real life stuff. Like the anime convention coming up this September, or my parents divorce. Oh no need to feel guilty over your fantasies about my gruesome and painful death, that you had while reading this. All is forgiven. _


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight:

**NekoLazy: **No I wasn't being sarcastic, I really am thankful for your devotion. I never thought about having Aki change Prince's clothes for him, maybe he's like Kirito in that respect. And you wanna hear something funny? I was playing Skyrim when I read you uh, threat, and then this dragon popped out of nowhere and ate me. I blame you.

**Adamandriespotgieter: **I will always write comedy, and nothing else. I think, I don't know. And for some reason the hour after I posted that author's note, like six people left reviews and followed/favourited the story. I didn't know threatening worked so well.

**Ellourrah:** You are the second person who mentioned ADHD. Just so you know, I do have it, but I also like things that are fasted paced, and interesting. So slow and steady isn't my thing. But if you like it, then awesome.

**BannaMan-Desu: **You are the ever shining star in this dark world of pineapples. I have done as you asked, and exacted revenge for your dishonoured body. Enjoy, I tried to make it a bit more funny, but it had to keep a sense of seriousness because, well let's face it. Ted is a human after all, and he did kill two people. I apologize for any disappointments.

**TechAndIssy:** I do like how you described how my death would happen, it was simple, yet barbaric. I will try my hardest to please you, so I do not end up as baking ingredients. And as for the romance part, I haven't decided yet. I want there to be some, but I can't find a suitable partner for Ted.

When I _finally _woke up, I couldn't move. That was what I noticed first. My lack of mobility, although I could feel just fine. Then it was the aching pain in the back of my neck, and then last, but not least, it was the voice in my head. Now, I pride myself on being insane, but I have never experienced voices. Wanna know what it was saying?

"_Child, wake up. Wake up, Ted. Now's not the time to be lazy, you must move. Get out of there and come to me. It's not safe for you anymore." _I slowly opened one eye, and then snapped it close. Someone was hanging a sun over my face. I peeked my now burned eye open again, before closing it and then repeating the acting a good ten times before the stinging went away. I couldn't hear anything but the voice in my head, though, so I didn't notice the group of people standing out of my line of sight, discussing my insanity and the possibilities of me developing a bug from the system. I slowly, and painfully I might add, inched my way to the side so I could crawl off the bed with minimal effort. But I misread the distance, and fell off the cushiony monstrosity, and onto the cold hard floor with my face smashed against the villainous rough carpet.

"_You need to trust me Ted. Please, for both our sakes._" I groaned, and pushed myself onto my knees. Don't trust the voices in my head, just ignore life and go back to bed. La la la, skip out on friends, they only send send send you to heaven, and who wants heaven when you can have hell. La la la, ooh ooh ooh, la la la, ooooh, When you can go to hell. Like my song? It helps to keep the voices out. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and jump/turned. Akihiko was standing behind me with a bemused expression. I glared.

"Whatever happened to worrying when sick people fall off beds?" Not that I ever gave a crap about them but…. Ehem. He smiled gently and offered me a hand. I took it and closed my eyes with embarrassment. Oh what we must look like, Akihiko and I. Probably the same as when I'm with Kirito, Bach, ah shoo, even Klein. If I'm next to any manly figure I look like the girlfriend. Where was Klein anyway?

"_Don't trust him, you can't trust anyone Ted.. Please…..Please."_ I shook my head, mostly because the child in me said that if I shook my head hard enough, the voice would be dislodged and I wouldn't hear it anymore. But I'm not a child, wait, backtrack. I am totally a child, free balloons and popcorn for everyone! Of course both are imaginary, so go enjoy the presents I have bestowed on you! Akihiko shook my shoulder again, and this time he shoved his face in front of mine, I know what you're thinking, it was totally a kissing moment. He was saying something but I couldn't hear anything.

"What? I can't hear what you're saying." He blinked, and then glanced behind me. I followed his gaze to see the rest of my uh, babysitters, standing a little ways off with odd expressions on their faces. It then acquired to me that I must have gone deaf while I was asleep.

"Oh, I might be dead, so like, ignore me. This is so weird, I can't figure out what I'm talking cuz I can't even see myself. What." Akihiko placed both his hands on my shoulders, and I suddenly got the feeling he was hoping I would read his lips. Mmmm, those, smooth, thin, long lips, those old wrinkle lines, yum yum. I stared him straight in the eyes and slowly made mine wider. Like the Captain in Wall-E, when he's talking to Auto. And like, his eyes go super wide and he makes this awesome face, ah, just thinking of it makes me chuckle on the inside.

"I can not comprehend you, oh leader of great armies. This is so weird!" I pulled away from him to fiddle with my unusable ears and glare at the floor. I shouldn't be so mean to it, considering the floor is always there to catch you when you fall, no matter what. Yes I just did that. I vaguely noticed Akihiko walking away from me, and Bach moving to take his place. I ignored Bach, bastard left me all alone for Bakura knows how long, and kept my eyes on the others. Kirito was still wearing black, that racist asshat. Is it just me, or do other people read asshat as ash shat? Cough cough, he wasn't wearing those Hades worthy robes claiming him as a member of the Order of the bloody panties on a full moon, so I assumed that I was only asleep for a month at tops. Finally! I was waiting for the dramatic protagonist coma that must happen in each and every fanfiction.

"_TED! Get off your ass, and find a way to me! Stop being such a nuisance and do as your Father commands!" _I promptly choked.

"I was in the middle of thinking about something important, leave me alone!" I huffed, and crossed my arms. After a few seconds of everyone staring awkwardly at me, Kirito lifted up his hands, and started typing out a message. My menu popped up, and what I guess was a ping, but since I couldn't hear it it doesn't matter, announced the arrival of a message from the one and only black swordsman. Clotherally, not skinerally.

"**Prince, we have no idea what's happening to you, but Bach's working on it. I'm going to dueling Heathcliff in a few hours, for Asuna. Can you tell me what happened?"** I rolled my eyes, and then glanced over at the pretty little lady. She looked awfully proud of this small note, so I'm guessing she had Kirito add it. Seriously, I can't see what people see in having them in a relationship. They are so much better as solo characters. Both have strong personalities, and do better without the whole sob story. But no, Asuna's kick ass character had to be ruined by Kirito. Maybe I should have kept them apart.

"Well,"

"_TED! THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"_ I twitched.

"Ahem, I simply got pissed off at Torig for asking me to marry him. Or was it date? I can't remember, obviously not important." I could tell that they were annoyed with my answer, but I ignored that as well.

"_I swear to your deceased mother, if you do not even make one effort to come to me, I will destroy a planet." _I winced, damn that guy was angry. And how the underworld could he have known about my mom? I don't know, and it makes me frustrated. Sexually. Nah, not that kind. He's seriously getting on my nerves though. Like what dad suddenly starts sending emails via brain waves to their kid? And then threaten to destroy a planet? I must of said the last part out loud because Bach looked horrified. Never seen that expression on him, it looks….. good? But then my memory had to ruin it by bringing the faces of those LC guys. Which, bless my luck, was followed closely by Rufula and Sharol's deaths. I squeezed my eyes closed, and scrunched up my face in regret. Yes yes, even the great almighty Ted can't handle death so easily. Actually I should say murder. My stomach decided to join in with my emotional pain, and the next thing I knew, I spued puke all over Bach's front. I stared at it as the orangish globs slowly slid down his chest plate, and glanced at his face. Now a normal person would be a mixture of pissed and worried, but Bach just looked, fascinated… He coughed once, only once, and then stood up and left. I looked over at the other three, but they looked grossed out. Another sigh escaped my lips, and I shook my head. Frozen mocha latte.

For the rest of the day, I had to deal with my 'Father' shouting into my ear about killing people and obliterating worlds if I didn't find him as soon as possible, and Kirito's annoying hovering. That kid just doesn't give up. And of course since Kirito was around me, Asuna, who already fell in love with him, had to hover too. Fortunately for me, Akihiko had work to do, why you ask? Well I have no bloody idea. That's how the time before the duel went. Me listlessly walking down the endless corridors of the guild, and those two walking a short distance behind me, talking about lovey dovey stuff. Then when the bell rang, I only know it rang because Kirito grabbed my shoulder, we made our way to the staduim and Asuna shooed me away. I was cock blocking her. Heh. I climbed the grizzly steps up to the front row, and glance to where Akihiko was standing. I stared down at him silently for several seconds before letting out a sigh, I'm guessing it was loud because a large amount of people looked at me. And then I leaped over the rail and onto the dirt. I strutted over to Akihiko with a bored look, I was later told I looked like a albino peacock, and pulled out my blade. I stabbed it into the dirt, and placed my hands on my hips. I stared at him, before turning and addressing everyone.

"Hello good citizens of this virtual world! My name is Prince, although I have also received the name Bedlam Undertaker from a few. You might know me as the white clothed partner to the Black Swordsman, Kirito. He will be fighting this strapping man, Aki, also called Heathcliff. I ask that you all enjoy this battle while it lasts, for it will be short. But not sweet." I stopped shouting, mostly because my throat was starting to hurt, and turned back to Akihiko.

"Hey, be gentle with him, kay? I've kind of gotten attached to him." He gave me a small smile, and I let out another sigh. With one last look at the man, I walked out of the stadium, and stood next to Asuna while she talked with Kirito. Which was something I thankfully didn't have to listen to. Romance was scary. A large hand fell on my shoulder, and I rolled my eyes. Bach does that to me so much that it doesn't even affect me anymore. What did surprise me was the cold cone shaped object that was shoved into my ears. And then there was this loud ringing. I whipped my head around to glare at the imbecile, but found myself shocked beyond compare. Bach was not there, like I had thought, and instead there was a coppish looking man with a gun on his hip, and some weird alien device in his hands. He twisted around some knobs, and then suddenly God struck. I was given back the gift of hearing. I whipped around to look for Kirito, but he had already started fighting Aki, and Asuna wasn't paying me the least bit of attention. Bitch. I had no choice but to face the man.

"Who the bloody testiculs are you?" He sneered at me, and pulled out his gun.

"Put your hands up slowly Invion. I don't want any funny business, no using your powers, no calling for help. Nothing, got it?" I slowly raised my hands, and glanced over at Asuna, who appeared to not only forgotten I was there, but also how to hear.

"Good, now come with me" I looked over at her one last time before following the copman. He lead me down the corridor to a weird portal thing that was hovering a few feet above the ground. Two more men were standing on either side of it, and were hold huge guns. Like, super big. Definitely compensating for something. Before I could even ask if I had rights, I was shoved through the glowing disk, and landed on my face. You know, when I was alive, things never happened to me. Well, extraordinary things. My life was fairly simple and plain. But now, I feel like eight decades have passed in the short time I have been here.

"Get him up, what is this? He is our precious guest! Not some criminal!" I groaned, and lifted my head from the floor. A pompous looking man in uniform was standing in front of me. He was staring down at me with a rather cocky expression, although I'm certain to this very day, that there was something else reflecting in those eyes. Which were a grayish blue. Nothing special at all I tell you. He offered me a hand, and after a second of hesitation, I took it.

"Now, tell me where I am, and why I was held at gunpoint." The man's face twisted in displeasure, and he let out a small hiss.

"What is the meaning of this, James? I told you to bring him here, only after you asked nicely, and he said yes." He sighed, and rubbed the bridge of his nose in annoyance.

"I apologize, Mr. Prince. My lacky seems to have misheard my orders. Please, come with me. I'm sure you are hungry for real food, and not digitized." This man had obviously done his homework, I am a huge sucker for food. I waved my hand, and grinned.

"Lead the way man, I'm starving." He smiled in return, and walked towards a door to my left. As we walked, he remained silent, and I fidgeted. What? You expected him to tell me about the architecture and paintings? Well he didn't. We stopped at a very large dark mahogany door, with extravagant carvings, and a golden handle.

"Take a seat, the food will be here momentarily." I glanced around the diningroom. There was a huge stone table in the middle, with at least eight wooden chairs on each side, and a freaking throne on each end. There were smaller tables lined up against the walls, and a few decorations scattered across the room. I took the throne, at the head of the table. The man chuckled, before sitting down in the other one.

"James, make it up to our guest, and go have the food brought in." The cop man that threatened me with the gun shot me a glare before leaving the room.

"What's your name?" The man looked at me in surprise, and then folded his hand on the table.

"Oh, my apologies, I never introduced myself. I am Lord Harkon, Emperor of the Lazyeso, or in your language, Papayas." He paused, obviously expecting me to burst out in laughter, which I miraculously held back. I was too busy thinking, a new one I know.

"So why not just go by Papaya then?" Harkon's face visibly twitched.

"Because our world was around before yours. It was intended as that, for the sake of humanity's survival. The four Great Empires decided that it would be a good idea to have all the names translate into fruit names. There is my Empire, Papaya, the Pineapple Kingdom, our sworn enemies, the Grapefruit, our allies, and finally the Snapdragons. The Snapdragons, are neutral, so the Pineapples are by themselves, but it doesn't seem to affect them at all. They are by far the strongest, so it has been a tough war. But with your help, we can finally end it." Is it just me, or is this more confusing than it should be?

"So let me get this straight. There are four empires, each named after fruit, two have teamed up to fight the strongest one, and the last empire is staying out of it. But the problem is that your nation, and your ally aren't powerful enough to defeat your foe, so you're asking me to help out?" He gave me a nod.

"So, why do you need a human again? Do we have some special skill I should know about?" Harkon grinned happily at me.

"But you're not human. You're part of a superior race. Do you honestly not know?" I shook my head, and he let out a long tired sigh.

"So assuming you have the knowledge of a common Mordian, your planet is called Mordia, I will tell you everything. It seems I don't have much of a choice though." He mumbled the last part. Our wonderful conversation was rudely interrupted by John, or Jay, or was it Jacob? One of those J names, who was followed by at least ten people carrying plates with pounds of food. American pounds, not British, though that to would be nice. The food was placed on the table, and then each person moved to stand at perfectly symmetrical intervals around the room. Harkon started pulling at the leg of a chicken, and then looked up at me.

"Do go ahead, I will explain as we eat." I picked up a piece of bread, and nibbled on the crust.

"There are three galaxies that hold planets with life. The oldest is your home, Garthiox. It's a very old, dark, and cold solar system with twelve planets. The one farthest from the sun is the one your people are from, called Invio. There is not much known about your people, considering we actually have no idea where your galaxy is in the universe, what we do know is that the people from Invio are powerful enough to surpass deities. They always remain undefeatable in everything they do. After some tests were run, it has been concluded that you are the son of a Invion. Now, the second eldest galaxy is mine. Tilya, which holds my planet, along with Snapdragon's, Grapefruit's and Pineapple's. The war started because our planets are on a collision course. Well, that is what the studies showed. Recent research revealed that that is in fact, no longer true. But because the Pineapples were always so snobbish, they refuse to surrender the fight. That and the fact that the Pineapple kingdom does know where Invio is, and have it under lock and guard. They have basically imprisoned your race to their little planet." I narrowed my eyes in that confused dumbstruck way. The little tidbit about the Pineapple empire having my planet under lock and key was interesting, but if my so called people are stronger than deities, then they could easily leave if they wanted to. The blasted man was probably trying to use them to get to me.

"They why don't you guys give up. If you want this to end, why did you team up with the Grapefruits?" He coughed and looked over at the wall. After several minutes of silence I stood. The food wasn't good anyway.

"No wait! I can tell you anything you wish to know about your family!" I shook my head at him, and literally stomped my way to the portal, surprisingly enough, I did not get lost. He followed after me with a desperate expression on, telling me all about the things he could do for me. Before stepping through the swirling vortex of space warping capabilities and pinkish colours, I turned to Harkon and grinned.

"Listen fella, I don't need to help you. My planet, Earth has nothing to do with your cock contest, so leave me out of it."

"_Good job boy. Although I don't know what you mean by cock contest, but you handled this pea brain well." _I internally twitched. The damned voice of Satan was back. Actually no, that would be an insult to religion, and we all know how unrude I am. I didn't reply further to Harkon's desperate pleas, and stepped through the portal. Things went woosh, splat, and then someone whispered _silverware ninja_ for no apparent reason. And then I found myself standing outside the stadium, which was unexplainably quiet and empty.

"What the jabbawocky happened to everyone?"

"_Well, can I explain, or are you going to go throw a tantrum?" _I blinked, and then smacked my forehead. Then I slowly rubbed my temples in a counter-clockwise direction while humming the theme to MEMEME.

"Go ahead of wise one."

"_Sarcasm isn't necessary Ted. It's your fault this happened anyway." _I groaned.

"You genna explain, or are we genna sit here smelling flowers?" The voice in my head, we haven't named him have we? Well, we already used Karl, and we want it to be short. Humm. How does Wanita Moria Lopez Airabella Valentino Padacootis sound? Too extravagant? Then how about Photinia Potunia? No, not that one… Zedicus Zool Zerander? Jafar Dmiago? Commodus? Maximus Aurelius? Khafeet? I like trible Z and Khafeet the most.

"Uh, before you go explaining things, could you tell me your name?"

"_People of our race are known as Invio or Demon. We have not personal names, like those of the lesser races." _I mentally blocked out everything he said.

"Ok, so your choices are Zedicus Zool Zerander, or Khafeet. Choose one." There was a blessed quiet, which of course only foretold a storm. Then suddenly, there was a high pitched whine. Similar to when people just lose it and their brains shut down, so they can't figure out whether to scream or laugh, so they do a mixture of both, but it doesn't come out right. It also kind of sounded muffled, like when you scream into a pillow. Oh, I do hope he doesn't suffocate. Cough cough. Ehem, yeah, suffocating by my hands around your throat…

"_I deeply refuse both those names. You must be the worst son in existence."_ I let out a sigh, and kicked the dirt. My foot magically got stuck, so I tried to pull it out from under whatever it was, it was under. That didn't work, so I tried kicking my foot out. The object went flying. It sored over the stadium like a newly freed chicken, and then bounced off the wall, where it was sent flying over to the left. It hit the head of a passing bird, who had been actually flying but was then knocked from the sky, and then came sailing back down to the ground where it again bounced over to a wall, then once again (again) bounced, and smacked me straight in the face. The surprisingly strong force behind the round thingie sent me flying back, where I landed with a loud thump on my well, back. Hah! I bet you were expecting me to land on my butt! But no, I landed on my back. Take that Gary Stu, I beat you. It was then that I realized that the voice had been talking.

"_You impish brat, pay attention when your elders speak to you." _ I let out a very loud, and _painful_ groan, and slowly sat up. In front of me, laying on the ground like a freaking innocent bystander, was a medallion. On the medallion was a pineapple holding a sniper rifle with sunglasses and a speedo. I flipped it over to look at the back, and let me tell you. Gibberish. It said, and I quote: This is an award to 'something scratched out' for being without a doubt the worst-dressed sentient being in the known universe. Although I didn't figure that out until later, since I don't speak Czech.

"_Ted, if you insist on giving me a name, there is one I do like. Hasan." _My limited attention was pulled away from the pineapple and back to the voice.

"Hasan? Isn't that like an Arabic name or something?" I was borderline disappointed that he didn't want one of the names I offered.

"_Yes, but it is a long story, are you sure you want to hear it?" _

"No."

"_Alright, it all started with the berries that only grow in the hot spring waters of Saada." _I slapped my hands to my face and started rolling around in the dirt like a rabid animal that was drunk, and that was more drugged up than Opium Poppy farmers. And those guys only use raw opium, which is like the most powerful hallucinogenic out there, and definitely the most addictive thing you can take. I was stopped in the middle of my demonic possession by a pop up.

"You gained a rare item." Hasan gasped in shock.

"_You weren't listening at all were you?" _I followed the example of my peers and ignored him. I lifted my finger up and activated my menu. In my items was three question marks next to each other. I tapped it, and then suddenly several more items showed up. I got S class meat from the bird I accidently killed, high priced bird feathers, and a stone. I pressed on the stone, and after a second or two it appeared in my hands. It was multicoloured, I won't bother explaining the eighty-million different colours it was, or the smoothness that just begged to be rubbed. Or even the gentle oval shape of it. I giggle happily and rubbed it against my cheek.

"I got a shiny. Hehe hehehe."

"_TED! PAY ATTENTION OR I SHALL TAKE AWAY YOUR SHINY!" _I gasped dramatically and gripped the stone to my chest plate.

"No not the shiny!" Hasan sighed, and then I sighed. It's contagious you know? Just like yawning, you yawn, then everyone else starts yawning, and then you can't stop. It's like zombies. Zombie yawning, I coin it! Zombie yawning is when you or someone near you starts yawning, and you catch the virus. There is no cure, except death. Once you wake up from your first time sleeping, you are open to the zombie yawn. Warn your children, spread the word. It is better to kill your newborn than allow it to catch the zombie yawn virus. Be warned.

"Alright, tell me about why you want to be called Hasan. I will just wander around aimlessly."

"_Aimlessly suites you. Good job with word choice." _Cue upset growling.

"_Ahem, anyway. So it all began with the berries the only grow in the hot spring water of Saada. My father, the Lord, was picking them with me. Of course we didn't need to, but us Invions like to act like normal humans for the most part. Our never ending abilities are more annoying than anything else. People who use them for everything often lose the will to live, and just die. There's nothing interesting for them so they die off. That is the biggest and only problem with our race. Our one weakness is boredom. If we get bored, we die. So as I was saying before, I was picking berries. I was around two hundred Earth years old at the time, around ten in our years. My father was a small distance away, so I decided to use my powers to see if I could teleport to where he was. For you see, I hadn't learned how to do that yet. Unfortunately I was thinking about how nice it would be if the outdoors were as warm as the fires in my house. So instead of going to my father, I landed in a desert. Something I had never experienced before. Invio is completely covered in ice year round." _I happened to walk into a wall at that part. But he didn't notice at all.

"_But the ice was more like a transparent skin over everything, and it was always snowing. I didn't know what sunlight was like either because it's always cloudy on Invio. Being but a child, I was unable to teleport my way back to father, so I wandered around in the desert until I came to an odd establishment made of colourful tents. The people living there were all dark skinned, with dark hair and eyes. Their clothing was as colourful as their homes, and they talked and played with each other without a care in the world. I remember purple and orange the most from that day, and the smell of roses. It was a wild rose with white petals, and a strong sweet smell that stuck on everything. They took me into one of the tents where a little boy around eleven sat with a girl of the same age. It was the leader's tent, and his children who welcomed me. On our planet there is no colour, or actually, everything is covered in white frost. The people are white skinned, with white hair and eyes, our clothing are white, our buildings are white, the food is white, the animals are white. But on Earth, everything is bright, and vibrant. _

"_The family, a father with three children and his wife. I remember them all clearly even though it was over two thousand years ago. The father was called Agni meaning fire, he was tall and like everyone of his tribe, dark. But his smile brought out the sun's warmth. He unlike our race, embodied light while his wife embodied love and kindness. She was called Rhina meaning God's little song, and she had deep green eyes and was of a different race than the others, they called her a Hebrew but I never managed to find out what that meant. Their children, two girls and one boy, ranged from thirteen years to nine. Khalida, meaning eternal, was the eldest, and took after her father. Then Hasan, it means handsome bravery, took mostly after his mother. And finally little Nura. Her name meant light. I stayed with them for years, and they never questioned why I did not age as they, or why I remained so pale. Unfortunately our race brings nothing but destruction to creatures made of light, like Earth and everything on it. They were attacked by raiders, and everyone was slaughtered. When they came to where Rhina had hidden us, they were already drunk of off their victory. Khalida was eighteen, Hasan sixteen, and Nura fourteen. They killed Hasan first, and then tried to do away with me. But we can not die unless we willed it. But I was scared, too scared to move. So I stayed still and watched as they had their way with the women, they saved Khalida, Rhina, and Nura for last. They knew, Khalida and Nura, they knew I was alive. And neither resented me for it. Nor did they blame me, although after the raiders had left and they laid there dying, I told them it was my fault. They said if I wanted peace of heart, I will take the name Hasan, and bare with me all the things I had seen. So I might never forget. " _ I had stopped walking at some point. People were staring at me oddly, which meant I probably had an odd look on.

"Wow, sad story. I just wanted to know why you wanted to be called Hasan, not the actual story behind it. You could have said something simple like I owe a friend, or I was asked to." Hasan chuckled, and a wave of relief washed over me. It was a sad story, but I hate sad stuff, just look at me! I'm totally over all the death that happened not to long ago where I puked out seven lungs and my entire intestines along with what little of a rotten heart I had. That's my secret, so don't tell anyone. I puke out pieces of my heart so I don't have to feel anything.

"Hey watch out!" I ignored the voice that shouted out to me, and walked into a large cart filled with weird round things.

"Whoa, steady there." A head popped out from behind the mountain of weird ball like thingies, and I let out a girlish scream, in a manly way, because if it was girly I don't know what I'd do. I nearly killed a man for going homo on me. The head belonged to a devilishly handsome fellow who flashed me a grin before hopping of the cart, and landing in front of me.

"The name is Banna, I'm a handsome intelligent narcissist." I blinked a few times, and took his offered hand.

"It's nice to meet you Banna, I'm Prince. I guess I'm a less than manly looking man with psychotic tendencies. What's in the cart?" He glanced around to see if anyone was listening, which they weren't. They were just staring. Silently, judging us…. While they stared. I really hate staring.

"Oh just a bit of this and that. But secretly, there are the head of 30 Asians stuffed into bags." I grinned at him, and glanced over at the large mound.

"Oh? Shout out to you man, that's an amazing feat for in-game." I got another grin before he hopped onto his seat, and slapped the reins. The horse did that horsey noise, before slowly trotting away. I gave him a wave before looking around. I knew it, I'm lost. As I wandered, lost and alone, not to mention totally unscared, I gained help from only a few select. A girl who went by the name of Neko, who was kind enough to help me to the portal and offer me food. I love food, deeply. Like Titanically deep. We actually stopped off in a small cafe, and after much begging, I let her play with my hair. Don't speak of this to anyone, but….I actually, regrettably, secretly enjoy it when Kirito or Bach play with my hair. I even play with it myself, and even more regrettable because it lowers my manliness, is that I am immensely proud of my hair. Anywho, Neko put it up in a high ponytail or me, with some fringe hanging off to the right, and one strand in front of my left ear. She said it looked good, so... Ehem, back to how I finally managed to return home.

There were several who remained unnamed, I don't know why but each was more wacky dressed than the last, twins Tech and Issy, who did more bickering than helping. Those kids have their heads screwed on backwards. There was an Ellourrah, who played the part as the understanding adult. Which is really weird because I broke down in sobs on her shoulder, even though I am also an adult. And lastly Adam. He was a comedy loving sort of person, except I can't remember if he was a he or a she. Let's call Adam a shim, no offence, I just can't remember. All in all, I managed to make my way to Kirito's place without so much as one drop of blood being splattered, or one item destroyed. Although hearts were in fact broken, dreams shattered, hopes dashed, we all made it through the day. I, me myself and I, one more time, me myself and I, believe that I made it through better than the other people I met.

Now for an interesting plot twist, as I laid in wait for Kirito to come walking through the door, misconceptive of me I know, I had an itch. Now this itch was unlike any normal itch. For it grew and festered, and did some other stuff, and I really felt like I was dying, not to mention Hasan took my actual listening to his first story as an invite to tell more. It was then that the door slowly crept open, and my B. E. A. U. Tiful trap activated. A large bucket of ice cold water and mud came crashing down on poor Kirito's head. The to top it off, the pressure plate on the floor set off and a bag of feathers came raining down from the heavens. Now you might think this is a great prank, and I am ingenius for coming up with it, but alas. I did not. Kirito played this very thing on me the night before he left to go get his new sword. I was merely returning the favour.

**A/N: **Whoa that was harder than I thought. Sorry if this didn't come out as funny, but there are just some chapters that need to be that way. Now, I adore all you wonderful followers, and I am sorry that I didn't not add the people who followed this story. I didn't realize it at the time. Oh, in case no one noticed. **I added all the people who reviewed into this story. Courtesy of BannaMan-Desu, who opened my eyes in a totally new respect.** Now go about your boring lives, and wait for my new update. If it shall ever come, I'm feeling quite sadistic right now.


	10. Chapter 9

p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"strongA/N: /strongemstrongAlrighty, so I had around four more chapters after this one, but alas.. I made a terrible mistake. All the character were extremely OOC, and I accidentally killed Bach, and made Ted cry. Don't ask me why, I guess I was just in a bad mood at the time. I reread everything and realized this grave mess-up, and so deleted those chapters. I was almost done with this story too. Or at least the first one, I've been thinking about whether or not I should make it all one thing, or split it into two. Anywho, take this chapter that actually had a passing grade, and pray for more./strong/em/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"Chapter Nine:/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"strongBannaMan-Desu: /strongI appreciate the offer, but Ted is my special person, and I already have him paired with someone. In my brain of course, I haven't gotten that far ahead./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"strongNekoLazy: /strongDo you want to know my honest to God reaction when I read your review? It sounded like a dying cat on sulfur hexafluoride. It's gas that has the opposite effect of helium./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"To my utter surprise, it was not a Kirito who fell for my trap, but a slender person of the same size with long pale hair. Kirito's face was to be found behind the victim, with a large grin plastered on. The poor soul wiped the mud away from her eyes, and to my shock, I found myself falling in love. This person was gorgeous, truly a perfect being. She had big pale blue eyes, framed by long white eyelashes, and elegantly shaped eyebrows. Her mouth was small, and heart shaped, and her jaw was thin and delicate. her hair, which was very long and white gold in colour, was in a low ponytail but still managed to flow about her body. She was skinny, almost with a childlike build, but was the same height as Kirito or I. Her armor, which looked awfully familiar, shone from the light in the hallway./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""What the fuckducks Kirito? Did you do this?" Ah, her voice was so perfect as well. I knew immediately that our meeting was fate./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Oh calm down, it wasn't me. I have been with you the whole time remember?" I cast a glare at Kirito, who was trying to win over the unnamed beauty. The girl huffed, adorably I might add, and stomped over to the bathroom to wash. I contemplated hopping out and surprising Kirito and then woo the girl, but the thought flew out of my mind as I caught a glimpse of my hair. There was no way I could win that girl over when I looked so feminine, and while Kirito was still alive. That's it! I'll kill Kirito!/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"The girl came back into the room, and I felt my breath hitch. She glared at Kirito before grabbing the book next to the chair he was sitting in, and then retreating to our room. Our room as in Kirito and mine. It's two beds, but sometimes I think they are a little too close for proper privacy. I sighed, and tried to find a more comfortable spot in my little knuck. Kirito caught my zombie sigh, and for a second I was afraid that he knew I was there. But instead of acknowledging me, he pulled up his menu and then started typing out something. I stretched out my neck to get a better look, but only managed to read the top part. 'Agil, something Prince is too something something something, I don't think I can handle this much longer something' and that was it. I stared at Kirito's face silently for a few seconds before looking down at my hands./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""emSon….. You didn't read the whole thing, so you don't know what he meant." /emI huffed quietly, and Hasan sighed./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""emTechnically this against the restriction laws for Invio, but I think this is more important." /emI closed my eyes, about to question him, but there was a whooshing noise, and I was sitting in some place cold. I opened my eyes slowly, and gasped. You know that song winter wonderland? Well I was in it. Everything was covered in a thin layer of frost, and glistened gently from the cloud covered sun. Standing in front of me was a man with long silver hair like mine, and pale grayish eyes. His facial structure was slightly different from what I was expecting, as in surprisingly manly for such a girly appearance. He held out a hand to me, and helped me up. The man, who I assume is Hasan, waved a hand around us, drawing my attention to the large light gray castle looming behind him./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Welcome to my home, Ted." I grinned and placed my hands on my hips/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Well, I would recognize that voice anywhere. It's nice to officially meet you, Hasan." He stared at me silently for a second or two, before pulling me into a hug. It felt, nice. I quickly pulled away from him, and yacked out three ribs./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Really? Physical contact? You sly dog you. I bet you're just like all those van perverts." He just chuckled softly at me, and started walking towards the castle./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Now, I would imagine that you don't want to stay here very long. Much to do back on Mordia, right?" I followed silently after him, and shrugged my shoulders./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Not really. Kirito doesn't seem to want me around, and it's not like I have anyone waiting for me back home." Hasan glanced at me over his shoulder, before pushing the large doors open. There were several servants lined up on either side of the room, and a giant staircase in the middle. It looked like it was based off of your typical Victorian manor, just everything was white. I personally like the color, so if you emdon't/em like the castle, then to bad for you. Just because of that one person reading this who doesn't like the color white, I won't tell you about the gorgeous people or the decor. If you want to know, then I suggest you offer your apologies to the wise old man on the mountain who drinks the bottle of sake and speaks of ages past. As I walked past one of the girls, or guys? I can't tell they all look the same and even wear the same big white perkas. Anywho, one of the gender-neutral peoples who are all white, giggled and whispered something into the ear of the person next to them. I couldn't hear any of it./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Come, we shall speak in my study, and then we will come up with the plan." I looked away from the now giggling four, and jogged up the stairs to where Hasan was standing./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Plan for what? Is there a universal phonathon happening? Or maybe a war? I was told there's a war going on." I was ignore. Seriously! What is up with all the ignoring? Is it an obligatory think everyone must do to me? At the thought of obligation, Kirito's face popped up. Although I really shouldn't jump to conclusions, it was hard to let go of any negative feelings towards the black haired asian who had taken care of me the, uh, few months I was with him. Before I knew it, Hasan had lead me to a study, and had sat me down in a deep red cushiony armchair. I glanced around the room in surprise. Now this I will describe. The walls had been painted a deep forest green, with a tan ceiling and dark wood molding. The floor was a slightly lighter shade of wood, with a middle east styled rug. His desk was old fashioned, and filled with papers and little knick knacks, and well, the room was literally fill to the brim with odds and ends. Books where piled everywhere including the bookshelves, there were paintings leaning against the walls and the fireplace, which was made of a dark stone. Overall, it looked like some collector's secret den, and it did emnot/em go with the rest of the planet./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Oh, do you like my study" I got the idea from a French lord who summoned me in the early 1800s. He was a terrible contracter, and wished for the stupidest things, but his wife had quite the style." I quickly plugged my ears, and stared at him wide eyed./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Sorry but I don't want to hear about your sex life with married women before my mom." Hasan raised an eyebrow at me, and then tossed his head back to laugh, loudly and obnoxiously. I just can't figure this man out. He laughs at every little thing like it's a drunk Billy Crystal on helium./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""I didn't have an affair with that woman. The only woman I have had sexual intercourse with who was connected to me by contract was your mother. And you are the only child I have. Several women have gotten pregnant over the many years, but they all die of natural, or unnatural causes." I sighed. He just had to have the last word./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""I want to explain some things to you, and you have to listen to them. Okay? Good, where do I start." I groaned and dragged my fingers down my face, hopefully leaving very cool looking scratches that will turn into scars. I like scars./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""After I got back home from Arabia, I forced my father to teach me everything concerning space travel. When I was roughly 16, the four empires discovered this planet. They feared our powers, and ignored the fact that we are an extremely lazy race, who hate being bored. We also dislike drama, so there was no way we would willingly involve ourselves in their business. But the four empires were much like you humans are now. They were arrogant, selfish, and vain. They believed they could control us. But we agreed to their contract anyway." I stopped strangling myself with my hair, and interrupted Hasan./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""You keep saying contract."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Ah yes, I have told you that our one weakness is boredom, well, the one restraint on our powers is a contract. Much like the religious demons on your planet. If we make a contract, we are bound to it for all eternity. Our contract was to never join any of the empires, never involve ourselves, never create ships to leave our planet." Here he paused to laugh hysterically while clutching his stomach. And I thought I was easily amused by the stupidity of others./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Like we would need ships. Ahem, anyway, I was desperate to return to Mordia at that time, so I came up with a genius plan. I sent books, and visions to the humans, and taught them how to use a summoning circle, that would open a portal from here to there. Of course I also added a contract seal, as a safety measure in case the four empires ever caught wind and pitched a fit. I got many contracts, since I was the only Invio who wanted more in life." I snickered, and his gaze turned to me. It had been staring listlessly at the wall, you know the saying, stare dramatically off into the distance, or wall in this case./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""What is so funny?" I elegantly raised an eyebrow at him. I do that a lot, add feminine words to my sentences. Is that a bad thing? Nyah? Or should I say something like pew? I could go Canadian, eh. Or kya like normal asian girls./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Well, you keep telling me that you guys die if you're bored, yet you're all to lazy to do anything, or actually entertain yourselves? That's depressing." He nodded sadly./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""I concur. I took over this planet just to show everyone that, but they still refuse. Well some of them. Everyone who works here, or lives here in my castle have gone to foreign planets. Oh, and those maids downstairs are all in relationships. I suggest you don't flirt with them." I blinked repeatedly in confusion./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""What?"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Nevermind. This might make you feel better, but I haven't taken another contract since your mother." I shook away my curiosity for the maids, and stared pointedly at my 'father'./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Ah, do explain that will you?"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Are you sure? I don't think you're ready."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""I am."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""I don't think so."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Well I am."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""No, Maybe in a few years."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""What? Hell no, tell me now!"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""You're being a child."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""That's because you're not telling me about mom."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Fine. But it's not something a normal person would want to know."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""I don't care." He sighed in defeat./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""I was summoned by those demon obsessives. Your mother and aunt were suppose to serve as sacrifices, I don't do those. Your mother, her soul was the reincarnation of Naru's. And I had been in love with Naru she had taught me everything I know about human life. I honestly have no idea why, but I ended up killing everyone except your mother and aunt, and then as I was about to leave, she," Hasan paused, and looked down at his hands miserably./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""She grabbed my sleeve, and I just, I just lost control over myself." I stared at him in shock./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""You raped my mother? You. Raped. My. Mother." He held up his hands/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""It wasn't rape, it just, wasn't planned, and was spur of the moment. She enjoyed herself I promise you that." I held my head in my hands, and sighed. It was just my luck to have this happen to me. The reason why I was conceived was because an ancient being from another planet lost control of his hormones and seduced my mother in a mere second. Then I can guess the rest. After the deed was done, he left her and the Evil Lego Ambassador gods above know where. I sank into the chair with a resigned sigh, and rubbed my temples. Hasan started twitching nervously./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Please don't do that, you look like an old man." I glared at him./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""And what's wrong with that? I will be old eventually, and right now I am almost thirty!" My depression just got eighty times more depressing./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Ehem, anyway. The reason I brought you here was so I could train you and teach you how to control your powers so you don't do something you will regret later." He paused and glanced behind me at the large doors./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""One other thing. I know I said this before, but no flirting. I'm not old enough to be a grandparent." I openly gapped at him like a fish gasping for breath. O at least that's what I assumed I looked like./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""So you won't let me have a girlfriend?" He snickered./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Well, I am routing for Kirito, so yes. No flirting of any kind." I moaned into my hands. Everything was against my manliness. Everything. Why, you ask? Well, it is because I was a mercenary working for the Avalanche gang, awesome eco-terrorists who you'd probably wanna bang. I got trapped in a reactor shortly after my last raid and got shot into a slum where I could have gotten SQUAIDS. That's squirrel aids, for anyone who's wondering at home. Anyway, I met a girl inside the Midgar zone, her name was Aerith and I soon became her bodyguard. She knew how to work a staff, and she made my body hard. Ehem, actually that's not true. I was pulled out of my inner dialogue by giggling from behind the door. I glanced at it before turning to look at Hasan, who was sighing…...Deeply. Like, Mariana Trench./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""I must apologize Ted, it would seem that my maids have read your mind." I started sobbing uncontrollably. People were reading my mind? Do you have any idea how many crimes I've committed? I would be killed on the spot! My life is over! Over I tell you, how am I supposed to live with people being about to read my thoughts? Oh woe is me!/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"For the next few weeks, and I am totally skipping through my time on Invio because I know for a fact that none of you want to hear what happens. Anywho, for the next few weeks, Hasan trained me in the arts of being an all powerful being. Which includes the following: Any damn thing you could possibly think of, but to be summed up it's just one power. The actual power these crazy people have is to create. Now that means that they can do things like, create portals to travel, create strength, create the ability to read minds, create speed, create objects, and so on. Who'd have thought that creation was the most powerful thing out there. The upsetting part about my uh, vacation, was that whenever I tried talking to someone, Hasan would appear out of nowhere and scold me. It always went like this:/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Hey, excuse me, can you tell me where the kitchen is? I'm afraid I'm rather lost." Then be it man or woman, they would laugh, and just talk about random things. sometimes it was food, other times it was about Earth or the weather. I would, being the polite gentleman that I am, would properly reply, and at times we would even have a good conversation going, and then strongBAM/strong! Hasan would pop out from behind a bush and say;/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Stop flirting!" Or, "I told you to keep it in your pants." Or "Shut it flirt monster!" Can you believe it? The man is making me homicidal. He reminds me of the 9th Doctor, I think? How he always yells at Jack for flirting. Well, that was us. Except I wasn't flirting. I was behaving nicely, and polite. But no, that bastard just had to push my buttons. And that was for three weeks. So you can imagine why Hasan and I are currently arguing./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Shut your mouth bastard! I am done with this shit! It's the same shit every damned day. Ooh Ted, don't flirt, ooh Ted do this do that! I'm going home!" The reason I finally snapped at Hasan was because he tried to take a bath with me. Oh, here's a pretty mental image, both Hasan and I, young super attractive men with long silver hair and perfect faces and bodies, were both stark naked and yelling at each other in a bedroom. Now keep that in your head./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""No! You can not leave here! I won't let you!" I stomped my foot and tried to walk past Hasan to the bed, where my clothing happened to be. He pushed me back, and then I shoved him to the ground. He grabbed onto my waist as I passed, and growled./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""I will fight you every step of the way! Just listen to your father and take a bath with me!" I winced at his whiny voice, and pulled at him arms, but to no avail. The man was strong, I'll give him that./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Let me go you perverted old man! I'm not taking a bath with you!" He started rubbing his face into my lower back./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""I'll let you go home after we share a bath!" I struggled to walk forward, not realizing I had teleporting us to the Blood of the Knight's Oath or whatever, headquarters. Nor did I realize the large crowd that had gathered around us. Including Kirito, Asuna, Akihiko, and Bach./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""No!" I took a rather large step, and almost fell, the towel I had been holding to cover my delicacies almost slipped from my grasp. I let out a panicked squeak, considering every time I walked around after my bath, which meant I was naked, the other people in the castle would try to peek on me. I deduced that the reason was because they don't understand modesty, so my reactions are always hilarious to them./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""I said, LET ME GO!" I gave one last tug, and emfinally /emmanaged to slip free from him. But also lost my towel, and ended up rolling into something. I glanced up with Tweety birds flying around my head, and found myself staring into the eyes of the black swordsman. He stared down at me in open shock, with several other things mixed in. I was too numb to try and figure them out at the time. I smiled uncertainly, and forced down the urge to run screaming from the room./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Ah, sorry Kirito. You see, it's all that-"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Sorry, but I don't know you." He looked away with embarrassment written all over his face. I blinked up at him./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Come now, I know that this is a bit awkward, but…" I glanced around the room, but no one seemed to recognize me. Bach came out of the crowd, and tossed a curtain at me./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Cover yourself kid." Hasan snapped his fingers, and everyone oohed and ahhed. He smiled at me, and then offered me a hand. I ignored his hand, bastard, it's his fault no one would willingly recognize me. After thoroughly glaring everyone within sight, I stood, and dramatically flipped the edge of my cloak, before stomping out of the room. To my utter disappointment, no one followed me. Well, I think Bach might have been stalking me, but every time I turned around, there was no one there. Some time passed, I wasn't paying attention ok? I never pay attention, at least this time I wasn't lost. I wandered about the headquarters, not really noticing if I smacked into people, that is until I ran into perfection personified in the form of a woman. It was my beloved angel from before I left Earth. She was grumbling about Kirito being an asshole./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Excuse me, have we met?" She glared up at me, pale blue eyes…. I blinked several times, I totally missed what she had said./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Could you repeat that?" She tsked, lovely./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""No, I don't think we've met. But you do look familiar. Maybe it's the hair. We have the same hair." I internally sighed in happiness. Then I processed what she had said, again, this woman is just too pure for me. I glanced down at my braid, which had whipped over my shoulder and onto my chest when I had demonstrated my gorgeous dramatic cloak flip, and then back at her's. Which was a slightly blonder shade of my hair, but had the same unearthly perfection to it. Now, have I ever told you how smart I am? Yes? No? Well just to clarify, I'm not very good at putting puzzle pieces together when I don't want to know the answer. Hey, I'm human after all. I do have some flaws, although they are rather miniscule./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Oh? Yes, it seems we both suffer from perfect hair no matter what happens." I ignored the nasty feeling that was screaming deja vu, and grinned at her. She stared up at me silently before grinning back./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Hey, do you like pranks?" I nodded./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""What do you have planned? I'm afraid that I can not participate unless it's awesome." Her smile got bigger. Don't look at me like that! So pure, my black and corrupted soul is melting from her innocence. After some careful explaining on how she wanted to get revenge on Kirito for planting a trap for her, we both decided on embarrassment. If it would please my readers, I would like to tell you that both the girl, who's name I had yet to acquire, and myself think so much alike that it is ridiculous. We made our way back to Kirito's house, where I found out she is also terrible at directions, and then we entered the bedroom to lay our trap out./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Why don't you take a seat on my bed while I collect the supplies. I glanced down at my old bed. Kirito wasted no time at all in replacing me. Although I can't imagine Asuna is happy about this development. Letting out a very depressed sigh, I sank into the bed, which still smelled like me, and hugged my old pillow. To think I would feel so upset about being replaced by such a babe. I can easily see why Kirito chose her over me, but the resentment didn't dissipate. I pulled up my menu, something I had also missed while abroad, and checked over my items. My finger hovered over my old armor, Angel's armor, before pressing it. Sadly the armor did not take the place of the peacock garbs that Hasan had put me in, if you don't want a description of my handsome, ehem deeply hated, outfit, then I suggest you leave. My shirt was a see-through teal colored blouse, that was seriously open in the front, a large dark brown leather belt over dark blue billow pants. Now I don't know if that is what they are called, it's just that they billow out to where I could fit six other legs in it. A sort of flowy slitted skirt, reddish in color, that went over that, sandels, and here's the kicker. Across my chest as in under the teal blouse, was embroidered wrappings, super detailed yah know? several necklaces, and then my large deep purple cloak over that. My hair was in a loose braid, which was still over my shoulder. Could you blame me for wanting to change? I looked like I belonged in Magi, not SAO. Oh! I might not have told you this, but I am half human. So unlike the other Invions, I can tan. And being on a planet with a sun covered constantly by clouds, you'd think I wouldn't get a sunburn, and then rapidly get darker as the days progressed. So yes, I am no longer pale, but in fact, very much tan. With silver hair and eyes. In some fancy Magi cosplay./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"Anywho, my armor landed right on my head, and I let out a small oof sound before growling angrily. Stupid Hasan, stupid Kirito, stupid everyone./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""You look happy. Oh what's this?" My angel picked my armor up from my head, and frowned./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""This looks just like my armor. Where did you get this?" I turned over so I could look at her, and mirror her expression. Now that she was holding my armor in her hands, which was identical to what she was wearing, I had no choice but to face the facts. I took a deep breath./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Can, can you tell me your name first?" She raised an eyebrow, while I prayed to every deity in existence./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""It's Pince of course. How could you not know that. I'm pretty damn famous for being such." My clone gagged, shit I hate myself so fucking much right now./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Such a girly guy." I groaned into my hands. I fell in love with myself. I fell in love with myself. Wait a minute, what's so wrong with that? I basically a god in all respects, so if would totally make sense that I fell for myself. Besides the fact that this is totally narcissistic. He sat down next to me, and stared at his hands quietly. Why? This is so painful, I want to jump myself. Just rip off all his clothing, and eat him up. Sexually of course, what did you think I meant?/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""So, you know my name? What's yours?" I forced a smile onto my face, I bet it looked more like a grimace though./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Oh, my name isn't important." My clone leaned in close, and I had to turn my face away. I am too bright to gaze upon. I forgive you Kirito! You managed to last with me far longer than I can. I commend you, my friend! And I will make sure to leave as soon as possible. My clone stuck his face only a few inches from mine, and pouted. I let out a very high pitched onenote scream. The temptation is too strong, must escape! I must escape!/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Oh come on, you looked really similar to me! Are you also dead like me?" I placed my hand on his face and pushed him away. If I know myself at all, which I do, I would keep pressing until I acquire a name. Let's see, I can't think of anything./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Uh, my name is uh…..Va-"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Va?" He raised an eyebrow, and I swallowed nervously, oh please get away from me before I jump you./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Valiant, my name is Valiant. Of course." Not too bad for a name. It is my middle name after all./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""You are called Valiant? That's the best you could come up with? Well, whatever floats your boat." I shrugged my shoulders, emwhile /emglaring angrily./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Why not? Your name is Prince." He sighed and leaned away from me. Finally, I was about to lose control, and rape my clone./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""emTed…...Ted we went back in time. I need you to erase your past self's memory, and come find me so we can go to the proper time." /emI rolled my eyes, of course. Instead of wanting to rape a clone I want to rape myself. Even better. At least it's nice to know that Kirito didn't replace me. It's just he doesn't know the me of the now. He, hold on a moment….. Did I seriously just say that? He doesn't know the me of the now? Is that even proper english? I toss the something table. Don't blame me, I forgot the word. You know, like the imaginary table thing, but not imaginary as in the literal sense, but oh that's the word! Metaphor! I flip the metaphorical table in a deep rooted frustration for life. How the hairy testicals of Leonitus, King of Sparta, did I forget that word? It's so simple. I mean, it's not like it's seriously easy to remember, but it's like, also not super hard to spell like entrepreneur, which also has some freaky ass meaning to it, and no one ever uses it. Now another annoying word is Wednesday. Super easy to say, easy to remember, but then it's like trying to hack into a typewriter with a supercomputer that only works for transvestite shims from Albania with Hydro epidermal dysplasia, on a full moon. Like, it is pronounced whens-day. So when I spell it I always write it as Wensday. But I know that's wrong, so I've been forcing myself to pronounce it in my head as wed-nes-day. I cry dramatic tears whenever this occurs./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"Pst, hey, pst! Yeah you on the left with the black shirt! Wanna buy some whoa? I'm kidding, I only sell fried human skins so… Damn, I wanted to make a point with this whole thing, but I got distracted by, uh, something. I don't remember what it was that, Oh! Is that food? I love food!/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""emTed, will you please stop with the inner monolog, and just find me so we can go back to the proper time? I kind of want to go find your mother." /emI snapped out of, whatever it was I was doing, and glanced around the room. My past self, damn I'm so hot, was venting to me about something that Bach had done, but as you could tell, I hadn't been paying attention. I placed my hand on my younger self's head, and quickly entered the brain. Mentally of course, this is the easiest way for me to erase memories. Each person does it differently, I do it this way. I pulled away, and caught my body as I fell to the floor, no not magi cosplayed me now, but the me of the past. Duh. I feel sort of like, philosophical right now, but as in high hippies kind. Like you know man, the me of the past and shit. Man./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""There you go little me. Don't worry, I accept our feminine-ness. It's not like we stay like this, we change. And regain our lost manliness, which I so enjoy having back." I quietly snuck out of the apartment, and imagined a Halo radar in my brain, Hasan being the little red dot. Keeping that at the front of my mind, I followed said dot, until I came across Hasan. Who was talking with Akihiko about something./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""You have a very brilliant mind, I would love to introduce you to the people of my home planet. You could do us all good." I smacked Hasan into the wall next to us, and grinned at Aki./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Don't listen to that old man. He's an idiot." He returned my grin, except it was more like a slightly surprised, polite smile than a grin. Which is when I noticed that we stood at the same height! As people reading this story, you might not fully comprehend how miserable I was being short. Mostly because I was flipping out about being so girly, which I am so over now. I must stand at almost six feet now./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""You look very similar to someone dear to me. You wouldn't be like him would you?" I ignored Aki, about time he got ignored, right? I mean like, I've ignored everyone at least once by now./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Hasan! Open zeh portal, und let us be gettingeth crackin'." Hasan glared at me from his spot on the floor, before snapping his fingers, and then we zipped away. Sometimes its more like a pop, or zoom, but this time it was a zip. I waited silently for the spinning, and swirling colors to come to a close, and then stepped out of it, and onto a stone floor. I glanced around, yup. We are safely back at the headquarters, let's just hope we're in the right time now. I turned to Hasan, but he was missing./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Hasan?"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""emOh, don't worry Ted, I'm going to go visit your mother's grave. And to go see your aunt. I wonder how she's doing." /emAfter that witch was mentioned, I quickly blocked anything he said out. Hey, it's not like you can blame me! She is the embodiment of diabolical and dastardly. I hate that woman something awful. Anywho! Let's go find Kirito so I can show him my new awesomeness! Oh, I wonder if I still have those God Skills. I was about to pull up my menu when something white, red, and caramelly brown flashed past me./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Asuna?" She didn't listen, so of course I chased after her like the ab/scarf chick from naked titans chased after the masochist. Does anyone besides me realise that the main character for the show is a major masochist? He like, bites himself over and over, and doesn't give a damn if he get hurts in anyway, as long as he pleases the short tea drinker. I just reminded myself of Naruto. Do I spin off to much? Because I'm confusing myself here./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"As I rounded a corner in the great canyon, Asuna was flashing some crystal at a floor ridden Kirito. The ugly ponytailed dude was slowly getting back up from what I assume was nasty fall, and dived for his sword. I sped in, like the awesome me, and kicked the sword hard. Maybe a little too hard, because it flew away, and then gave off a small shine like some dramatic star. I went to draw my sword, but then realized that it wasn't attached to my hip. So, I did what any smart person would do to a kneeling criminal. I imitated the sexy kick that tea drinker from naked titans does, and hit ponytail right across his face. While he sailed through the sky like Superman, although it was only a few feet I feel majorly accomplished that I knocked him into the air. Anywho, while he was still not standing, I summoned a random weapon. No, I did not use my menu, which I could have, but since I'm totally an overpowered character now, I'm going to flaunt my abilities. What appeared was actually pretty badass. It was a spiked two headed war hammer, with a short serrated rune blade on the other end. I tossed it into the air, and then twisted it around. Now don't get me wrong, I was trying to familiar myself with my new toy before I use it, I was not, I repeat, I was not trying to show off or scare the guy. But that's what happened. He scrabbled away from me with a very panicked and terrified expression. I twisted my arm around the handle, so I could hold in in one hand, and the pointed it at ponytail./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""You're dead." I leaped forward, and then whacked my war hammer against the right side of his head, leaving a beautiful blood splat on the wall of the canyon. I winced slightly, and then willed the body and blood to shatter like it was suppose to, before turning back to Kirito and Asuna. Who were both staring at me in poorly concealed shock./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Yo, Kirito, Asuna, I'm back." The black swordsman, slowly stood, and glanced behind me./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Who are you? Did, did you just kill him?" I drew my eyebrows together in confusion. Eyebrows that you can now see because of my newly tanned skin. Yeah, I like, just wanted to get like, a light tan, but I got locked inside the tanning spray booth thingy, and when like, they finally like, got me out, I was like, browner than a brownie. The food kind, not the little girl scout kind. That would be weird on so many levels, but then it wouldn't be weird on others… I hate chocolate by the way. You get to be horrified by me now, just because of that one negative person. Speaking of my readers, when I mentioned the person with the black shirt, was any of you wearing one? Cuz I'm super curious./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Yeah I killed him. He was going to kill you, and actually emdid /emkill that other guy." Asuna narrowed her eyes, and stood up to grip Kirito's uninjured arm. I distinctly remember him losing a hand, heh heh, that sounds like a joke, during his battle with ponytail, so really Asuna should be thanking me. Not glaring like I'm Shion. Who is super super hot. Have you seen that girl? Damn I would give her my virginity. Not that I am a virgin, ehem. Cough cough. Oh right, is her name Sinon, or Shion? If I call her one, and then call her the other one, you can't blame me. We all know that I suck at names, faces, and directions./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""How did you know there were three of them? And who are you." I raised my eyebrows at them./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""I'm Prince, and I know there were three, because there are three water bags. Baaaakkaa."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Prince? That's not possible, because he's been missing for only one day. Besides, just look at you! You look nothing like Prince! " I tsked at her./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""And who's fault is that? It was you who ignored me when I was kidnapped, which lead to everything else. I have basically lived three and a half weeks in the last day. Of course I'm Prince, who else is this fabulous?" I flipped the fringe on the left side of my face while Asuna glared some more. Then I crossed my arms annoyed. Vaguely realizing that my war hammer had gone all shatter. Now Kirito was narrowing his eyes too./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""You do look totally different. Different skin tone, different height, different build, you're not feminine looking in the slightest, and Prince would never wear clothes like that without constantly complaining about it." I rolled my eyes./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Like I said, I have lived three weeks in the last day." Seeing that they still didn't believe me, I uncrossed my arms, and flipped my hair over my shoulder again. Hey hey hey now, don't over think this. I'm just trying to get it out of my eyes. This stupid hair-do is so annoying./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Fine, you got me. I am a super powerful player that no one has ever seen or heard of till this very moment, and I look similar to a recently missing friend of your's, Prince. Who's name isn't actually known to many people, and is referred to as the white swordsman, the girl who is always with the black swordsman, or the Bedlam Undertaker. I saved your life for no apparent reason, and happen to know both your names, and also happen to act just like Prince, except for the fact that I no longer freak out about looking like a girl, because." I paused, the memory of me flirting, and fantasizing about my younger self filling up my brain. I held up a finger, and forcefully gagged a few times./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Ah sorry. The reason why I'm not freaking out about the whole feminine thing shall remain unknown for the sake of my manliness." Neither of them showed any signs of belief, damn. This is going to be one hell of an explanation./p  
p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"END OF CHAPTER NINE/p 


	11. Special Update

**Hey there readers of Evil Pineapples, this is a sort of special update that really has nothing to do with the story. But I hope it helps you understand Ted a bit more since I do such a terrible job of showing off his real thoughts and feelings in the actual story. Well, I hope you enjoy this little special.**

"I talk big you know? About torture, and hurting others, or mentally scaring them, about being super cool, and not really having any deep thoughts or feelings for anything, but I guess I'm just like everyone else. I never saw anything dark or depressing when I was alive, b-but", I covered my eyes with my arm, and placed my free hand on my mouth to keep my sobs in.

"But I always thought I could handle it." Bach pulled me up, and moved my arms away from my face.

"You're crying." I blinked at him, and brought my hand to my cheek. My fingers were wet.

"I never would have thought that you would cry, but I suppose that's the human response to death." Bach pulled me into a hug and stroked my hair.

"You don't have to worry about it though, you didn't kill them, Ted." I gripped his shirt and shook my head.

"What the fuck are you talking about?! I just killed them! That was me, not someone else, right?" Bach pulled me tighter to his chest and sighed. He was radiating heat but I was freezing so I clung to him more than needed. Although at the time I wasn't thinking properly, all that mattered was that someone was holding me when I needed it, and I had never been held before. That and I was emotionally distraught. It was, it was nice. Being held by someone, warm, and I felt safe. It was a pleasure I never had in life, and the only reason why it was happening was because I had become a murderer.

"Hey, Ted. I want to take you somewhere until you calm down enough." I choked and tried to push away from him.

"Ted, Ted stop! You're causing this world to flux! As beings from another dimension we can make this place cave in from our powers." He sighed and pulled me back to his chest in a sort of constrictor hold.

"Our abilities, when used, could destroy entire planets, _because we don't belong_." I didn't say anything and Bach sighed.

"I'm taking you back to your world, just for a few days. I'll tell you all about this second life, clear things up so to say. That way things like this won't happen again." He walked me over to a tree and placed his palm against it. Now I don't particularly remember what happened, or what Bach did. Hell, I don't really remember anything that happened later that day. Everything after stepping through the door that Bach made in the tree is fuzzy. I think it's from all the crying I did afterwards and the change in dimensions. But I will sum it up for you. When we entered my world, Bach lead me to a hotel where we got a room, and then he sat me down on a bed and manipulated me into telling all my woes. Which started with growing up and never knowing my parents, to my grandparents who hated me, to my girlfriend dating me only to get close to my best friend, and then cheat on me with him, then dump me for him, then dying and ending up here. Then after I finished Bach gave me hot chocolate, helped me take a hot bath, and then tucked me into bed. About half an hour later, he crawled into bed next to me and let me cry myself to sleep in his arms.

Now as I look back, I realize that I totally played the girl here, and Bach the charming prince. But, but I don't mind. As someone who lived with nineteen years without skinship that night was, that, it was -_is- _important to me. It is the most important night of my life. It's the first night I ever felt truly appreciated, or cared for. It never acquired to me until that night with Bach that people crave the touch of others for a reason beyond that of hormones. It's what keeps us going, what gives us strength to go on. That's why that night in the hotel, the first time being back at my home, is the most important night I ever had. More important than my death, more important than when Kirito promised to be my friend, more important than anything that happened in my future or in my past and that's why I keep going on about it. Because it was the most important event I ever experienced, and I want to share this with you. This feeling of astoundment and joy, something I had never experienced before, something I didn't experience until I met a certain pineapple who killed me, and then met one of his minions, who was also a pineapple, but gave me this experience.

Anyway, enough of this sob story. When I woke up the next morning, I was lying over on one side of the bed, with barely any blankets and Bach was taking up every other inch in eagle spread, with the blankets around his knees and one hand tucked under his belly. I poked his ribs.

"Bach, Bach…...Bach…...Bach…" He groaned and slapped my hand away.

"I said stop it." I sighed and looked out the window. Mine as well let him sleep. He did go through all my drama last night, speaking of which, we're back on my home planet. Hah! That sounds funny. As you can see, my usual humour is back in place. I stood from the bed and stretched out my arms, then slowly made my way to the bathroom to make myself presentable. I do not know why I did this, and it wasn't from habit. Ok, maybe a little, but I really just wanted to see if I looked like myself, or like Prince. I looked like Prince. I wasn't too let down. If I looked like my normal self, then that would cause some major issues, I just sort of wanted to see my old face. Maybe if I could get photo or something while here. Oh, while I'm thinking about it. I wandered back into the bedroom and leaned against the window pane. We were in East Syracuse, near a ROCOR (Russian Orthodox Church Outside of Russia) church called Saint Peter's and Paul's. It was a beautiful cathedral with frescoed walls and a good sized yard around it. I went once or twice, but religion never really stuck with me. There was a Brooklyn Pickle walking distance away, and a pizzeria also walking distance. Brooklyn Pickle, real coffee, real snow. It was like a dream. And then Bach woke up.

"Ah, I'm awake, I'm awake." I turned to him with a slightly embarrassed expression.

"G-good to know." He stared at me for a few seconds before grinning. We stayed like that for a total of seven seconds before Bach shook his head and rolled off the bed and made his way towards the bathroom. At the door he stopped and glanced back at me.

"I was thinking of coffee. I heard you liked it?" I grinned back at him, and lifted up my thumb.

"I'll give you five minutes." Bach frowned then entered the bathroom and I went back to staring out the window. For me it's only been a few weeks, or maybe months, since I was haunting my grave but it's felt like years. On top of that, it was snowing outside. Just to clarify; I hate heat but I love the cold. I love how each snowflake is distinctly different and intricately detailed. I love how they fall from the the gray clouds, slowly stocking up to create a soft white blanket that covers everything in sight. The biting breeze, the sting of the sleet hitting your skin, the sharp smell in the air from the cold snow and the salt they use on the roads. The ice skating, the skiing, the snowboarding, sledding, hot chocolate, snow forts, snow wars, eating the snow and icicles, building snowmen, and my personal favourite thing to do, sit in my comfy armchair, covered in blankets with a cup of something hot in one hand and a real live book in the other. My heater never worked so I had to bundle up with socks, sweaters, and sometimes coats, and then I would sit in my chair and read, or just stare out my window and watch the snow fall….It always had a calming affect on me. Just the silent fall of snow, and my chair. As I stared out the window, it acquired to me how lost I actually felt.

A large hand brushing along the back of my neck startled me out of my nostalgia and back into the present. Bach was standing behind me with a pale looking hand raised and an annoyed look on his face.

"My hand is freezing, why did that not kill you?" I did the totem stance and grinned triumphantly at him.

"Hah! Like the cold could affect me!" Bach glared childishly at me and waved a hand in the air. Some clothes appeared out of nowhere and he handed me them. I eyed them before shrugging my shoulders and started pulling off my shirt.

"Whoa, whoa, Princess! I'm still in the room, don't you know anything about virtue?" I looked at him coolly, then tossed the boots that had magically shown up on the floor and hit him in the chest.

"You asshole, I'm a man. I have no issue with dressing in front of other guys. I'm not interested in other men, so I see no problem with undressing in front of a _pineapple turned humanoid male._ Besides, I am comfortable enough in my own sexuality that I don't feel the need to hide my body from other men." Bach opened his mouth, most likely to mention last night but I beat him to it.

"And last night doesn't count as a homosexual moment, and even if it did, that wouldn't and shouldn't bother us now." I patted my bare, flat, man chest, and snickered at him. And then I dressed very slowly. Very, very slowly. Although deep inside I not only felt a bit flustered, but also bone chilling embarrassed by what I was doing. Can you blame me? The last person to see me undressed was Kirito and he got a bloody nose from it. Ah, give me a moment of your time to talk about my nice clothing? Dark skinny jeans, dark gray fur boots that were far too feminine, a white fluffy and warm turtleneck sweater, a black pea coat. Well, it was more like a trench coat because it had a tie around the waist, but it had the lots of buttons part. And on top of that was a burgundy red knitted scarf, and a creamy white knitted hat/beanie with different shades of gray designs and a creamy pompom. I looked down at myself and then glared at Bach, who looked nothing short of proud. I stomped my way over to the mirror over the small dresser, and gasped in horror. I had, in a silly sort of delusioned state, believed that I could fully become a man again in this world. You know, wear actual men's clothing?

"In case you're wondering, those were all from the men's section. Come one, let's go." I sighed, and slowly followed the pineapple out of the room. No point in complaining. At least I would totally bang myself given the chance. I eyed Bach's wardrobe with a pout. He got himself a bomber jacket, black gloves, dark jeans, a dark green V-neck sweater with a dark grey long sleeve under that, and dark brown lace up boots. He looked like he popped out of those fashion magazines for Ralph Lauren, L.L Bean, or some other outdoorsy but still slick in the city companies. Whereas I looked like something out of Vogue, or a rich girl with way too much of a fashion sense. Especially with my long almost white hair and pale blue eyes, I looked like some Nordic super model. Bach glanced back at me with a grin.

"Stop pouting, Princess. I know that you're secretly enjoying the clothes. I picked it out from magazines found around your apartment that were circled. Obviously this is your choice in clothing for girls." I hissed.

"But I'm _not _a girl, Bach! I'm a fucking dude!" Bach snickered and stopped walking. The sudden stop on the rather unkempt stairs made me miss a step and I slipped forwards. Bach turned to me just in time, and I landed quite elegantly in his open arms. He chuckled.

"You could have just agreed with your words. No need to throw yourself at me, Princess." I glowered at him.

"Are we getting the fucking coffee or what, you barnicle?" He repeated my insult in astonishment, okay maybe it was more like amusement, and quirked an eyebrow at me.

"Yeah, know Freedom of Expresso? We're going there. Then I want to head over to the MOST, how does that sound?" I leaned away from the pineapple, and crossed my arms in thought.

"Humm, I don't think I've been to Freedom of Espresso, but it sounds good, and who am I to refuse a trip to the Museum of Science and Technology?" We grinned at each other silently before heading back down the stairs of the hotel we were in.

The rest of the day went rather nicely. Aside from some borderline weird moments like when Bach decided to grab my hand while walking to the cafe (I couldn't save no because my hand was cold and his wasn't) to when he insisted on taking all sorts of photos of us while we walked. I'm pretty sure we looked like a couple to everyone, but I just didn't have the mental energy to refuse him, besides, he went out of his way to make me happy. The least I could do was give him a few simple pleasures like holding my hand. Besides, it was like holding hands with a little kid… Anyway, we went to the cafe, which had some pretty bang up coffee and munchies, then we got a cabbie to the MOST, it was a little too far to walk after the three miles from our hotel to the cafe. It was just like I remember it, dark and filled with fun things. Like a black light maze that made me look like a purple alien, and the cool train set that went around in circles. We were in there for hours, just running around like kids. It was…. Fun… More fun than I ever had with Kyle, or even Kirito whenever I _did _manage to convince him that life did indeed exist. After awhile we got a bit tired and headed out of the building. It was still snowing outside, but that's not what grabbed my attention. It was a loud voice that anyone would recognize after 17 years. My evil ambassador of an aunt was walking down the street yelling, I repeat, yelling at my stone faced grandparents.

"I don't care if you guys hated him, the least you could-" She paused when she saw me. Her eyes went wide for a second before she shook her head. My grandparents were continuing along their walk as if Bach and I weren't standing right there in the middle of the sidewalk. My grandfather frowned at me, something I was all too familiar with.

"Excuse us, young miss." I silently stepped to the side with one hand holding onto Bach's sleeve. Artoria, my, my aunt gave me one more look before following them. Her voice too quiet for me to make out the words.

"Excuse me?" I stepped forward before I knew what I was doing. One hand reaching out to their backs.

"Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Prince? Are you Mr. and Mrs. Prince?" They turned slowly, polite disinterest sitting far too comfortably on their faces. It was a face they always wore when they had to mingle with those of lesser status. Something I grew used to at a very young age. Whenever we would go somewhere, whenever they had to talk to someone they deemed unworthy that was they face they made. Polite, because they must always keep up their public image, but uninterested so as to not encourage those that they didn't want around… Like, like me…

"Why yes, can I help you, young miss?" My grandfather's tone was as polite as his expression.

"So then, you are the grandparents of Ted, right? The one who died?" My grandmother raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow at me and my aunt frowned. My grandfather's smile became a bit strained.

"Yes, God bless his soul, did you know the lad?" I gulped and stepped towards them. Bach grabbed my arm.

"Hey…" I ignored him.

"So, can you umm. Can you tell me a bit about him then? Like his death? I didn't really get to know because it was so sudden and I was out of country." My grandparents looked me over, obviously only paying attention to the mention of traveling. Out of country traveling means money, they like money. My aunt on the other hand, her eyes swelled with tears and her frown crumpled a little bit. She looked away sadly. I got a strong urge to hold her, she cared about me. She was the only person who care about me enough to cry, she was my mother and I treated her like shit. I gulped again, guilt washing over me as my aunt cried silently.

"Well, the boy choked on some fruit. I'm afraid that's it to it." My aunt seemed to cave in on herself. I went to take another step forwards but Bach's hand stopped me. He gave me an encouraging squeeze before letting go.

"Is, is that all you have to say about your only grandson? That he just choked on some fruit?" My grandfather raised an arrogant eyebrow.

"Of course, now if that's all. Good day miss." My grandparents turned away from me, completely ignoring Artoria crying, she followed them silently. For some reason I felt very brave, at that moment I felt like I needed to say something. All my life I did nothing for her, nothing at all. I never even told the blasted woman that I loved her, or that I thought of her as my mom.

"Hold up, old man." My grandfather turned back at me with a glare.

"How da-"

"Don't even think about interrupting me. I have something to say, and you bet your dwindling bank accounts that you'll listen or so help me I will tell the city about what the Prince family's huge disgrace." That shut him up quick, even if it was just to listen to what I could be blackmailing him with just in case it was something he deemed worthy of an accidental car crash.

"Ted was amazing, got it? I barely knew the guy, and I could tell that much." Fuck, where was I planning on taking this? "He loved you, all he would talk about was his family. He wanted nothing more than to prove himself but because he was born out of wedlock and his dad was black you hated him. He had so much potential, but you never gave him the time of day! Every problem he had at school was always caused by someone picking on him because _you _did care! And then you would always act as though he was the one at fault, even when he wasn't. You buried your only grandchild in some run down graveyard out of town, why? To hide the shame of your mistakes? To make it seem like he never existed?" This wasn't really getting to what I wanted. I just want them to realize how much they're hurting people.

"Do you realize what you've been doing? Even if you didn't approve of his background persay, you could have raised him right and he could have been anything, you could have made him something to be proud of. You could have just shown him the tiniest bit of love and he would have flow to the moon for you. You're the fools here, not her. She cared for him even when you tossed her out for it. Ted was someone very dear to me, he was smart and charismatic, he loved science and books, hated conflict. He would have done anything to make you love him like you should have. But what, money got in the way? How can you be so conceited? What has money gotten you, huh?" I paused to look them over. They both looked uninterested in what I was saying, but seemed to be staying put out of politeness. My anger suddenly turned cold and all I could think about was how foolish I was to think I could speak some sense into them. All they were seeing was a good for nothing girl that was friends with their horrible grandson that made nothing but problems. Even my aunt seemed done with this.

"What has money got you? You almost lost your entire livelihood because you wanted more money, you lost both your daughters to kidnappers who wanted money you didn't have, you lost a daughter in childbirth because you refused to use your money to help her, your grandchild was left orphaned because you didn't want to spend money on helping his father get medical attention for his cancer. You kicked out your other daughter because she needed money to pay for Ted, you have no friends, you have no family, your life is empty. Meaningless. What will that money get you when you die? What will that money buy but some fancy coffin that won't even last ten years underground? What will your life long desire get you now huh? A stuffy home that _neither _of you actually enjoy? Traveling to places you don't care about or enjoy just because other rich people do it?" I smirked at them.

"What on earth made you so stupid? At your age, hogging money to yourself instead of paying attention to the one and only person left that will remember you? What was the point of that huh? She won't even remember you in good light. You're pathetic and foolish. You're lives have been nothing but a waste and the fact that you don't see how delusional you are is so amusing. I get why so many people never invited you to all those fancy parties. At least they have _some _resemblance of a family, you have none. Hah! Here I thought that maybe I could make sure that Ted's memory was at least being honored properly. Yet here you are, all you can say to me is that he choked on some fruit and died? Do you not see your daughter crying?" I laughed loudly. It finally hit me what kind of family I grew up in. The kind that are the stupidest. The worst. The kind that love only pieces of paper that won't ever make up for the things they dropped for said paper.

"You're both so pathetic, I just can't stop laughing!" I bent over, clutching at my stomach. My laughter slowly stopped and instead of just walking away like I wanted to, something cold and wet started running down my face. At this point I was getting a little too familiar with these, tear things.

"Look, I pity you so much it's making me cry. How can people be so sad to look at? I don't want to talk to you anymore, you've successfully ruined my day." I was about to turn around but paused when I saw my aunt. She was just standing there quietly, she looked like she would blow away at any minute. I walked over to her slowly and placed my hands on either side of her face.

"Artoria, you crazy crazy lego aunt. Ted, he, he never got the chance to tell you. But he would tell me all the time how much he loved you. You were more than just an aunt to him, you were his mother and his best friend. You were the most important person to him, and I know that if he had the chance he would have loved to stay with you forever. You did a great job raising him, and he was ever so proud of you. Even when you made him do the silliest of things, or when you'd get into huge fights he never hated you. He always loved you with all his heart, and I know for a fact that he would have wanted me to tell you this. Ted's okay now, he's okay. So now you be okay too, got it? Ted wants you to be happy now." I let the tears fall freely, no point in stopping them now. Not like I could, not when she was looking at me with such sadness.

"You're the best mom he could have possibly asked for, and…. I'd like to thank you… For raising him and for loving him just as much." I let go of her and whipped away the freezing water on my face. I smiled one more time at her and grabbed Bach's hand, quickly dragging him away from them.

"Wait!" I looked over my shoulder at my aunt. "Are you sure he's finally happy now? Is my boy finally happy?" I smiled as more tears bombarded my eyes.

"Yup! He's super happy now!" And with that, I walked away. Away from my old life, away from my home, away from my only family. I walked away from Ted.

Bach and I were silent as we walked the five miles to the hotel. The only way I knew he was still next to me was the large hand tightly grasping mine, something I am thankful for to this day. Something I will always be thankful for. When we got back to the room we didn't talk. Bach and I sat down on the bed silently and just stayed there. I don't know for how long, but by the time noise entered our lives again it was already very dark out.

"Ted…."

"No, Ted is gone now. He died, there is no more Ted. Okay? I can't be Ted anymore." Bach wrapped an arm around my shoulders in comfort.

"Alright then, Princess. I'm sorry your break got ruined, you deserve better than that." I shrugged.

"I don't think so, it wouldn't have been my challenge if I didn't deserve it. How would I be able to overcome it if it was too hard? It wouldn't have been placed in front of me if I couldn't deal with it." Bach sighed.

"But you don't."

"Bach, each problem we humans face in our lives are designed as challenges only we can face. Nobody has the same background, the same personality, the same previous challenges. Sure they get harder and harder as they go, but that's what makes us us. If I couldn't deal with this then how would I deserve to keep living a life I'm not fighting for? It wouldn't be my life anymore, would it?" He rested his head on mine with another sigh.

"I see your point. So like that one old guy you always talk about said, then." I gave him a small smile.

"Marcus Aurelius once said; Man is fitted to nature that which he can bare. Meaning every obstacle we face are our own tools to carve our paths with. He's a pretty cool guy, I wish he was still alive." Bach humph quietly next to me.

"You know, Princess. I think we should head back to your beloved Kirito after tonight. Neither of us are cut out for the real world." I closed my eyes/

"Right you are, pineapple. Let's head home tomorrow then."

"Goodnight, Princess."

"Goodnight, Bach." And with that, my return home ended. We left the next morning after changing back into our SAO clothes and paying the Hotel manager. Bach dropped me off at Kirito's and my apartment, where Kirito was sleeping soundly. Then with a small wave he left to go do some pineapple stuff. That was the last time I saw any of my family, or of my real world.

_**PLEASE READ:**_

**A/N: ****I would firstly like to say sorry to all of you guys. It's been a really long fucking time since I last updated anything, also I am so sorry making you guys wait for a story like this. There are so many loopholes and weird plot ruining twists, not to mention grammar mistakes, misuse of the word -and- as well as commas, I am so sorry about the shit ton of commas I've dumped on you poor people. Not to mention I say the weirdest shit in my Author's Notes because I get too excited and don't end up following the skeleton of a storyline I **_**did **_**make for this monstrosity of a fanfiction. There is a reason as to why I dumped this, even if you try to tell me it's good -I am well aware of it's faults at this point- I know just how horrible it really is, which is why I dumped it. I would read through previous chapters to get inspiration only to see all the problems I started making after the second chapter. All I can see when I look at this is a poor attempt at hiding my inexperience by crude humour that doesn't even match up in places, is one huge sad story that Ted really doesn't deserve -that you guys don't deserve. **

**I am planning on finishing, it will not be how everyone wanted, it will not be how I wanted it to. It will be short, sad, and leave you all feeling very annoyed with me. But in all honesty this is the best I can do for Ted, this is the only thing I can do to make it up to him, and I understand that I did something similar to my only completed story so far. Yes, the reason that ended so is the same reason this is ending so. I just don't have the motivation (even with all you leaving me comments) to write chapters. The only times I will publish a story from now on is when I have already completed it.**

**Please forgive this stupid author for being so self-centered. I deeply hope you read the rest of Evil Pineapples with a smile on your face and a hop to your step. **

**Your's forever,**

**Geldidastulto**


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Ten:

Like I thought, the explaining took a lot longer than I had hoped. Who would have figured that Kirito was such a fiendish thing? Truly.

"Listen, I am Prince. Why don't you understand this?" Asuna tossed her head and glared at me. We had decided that it would be best to go home, being Asuna's home. I think that they didn't actually think I would follow them, but since Asuna had already invited me into her house, I had no issues entering. You see something they don't tell you in the show is that players can not enter private rooms or homes. At inns, they can listen through the door and such, but at residences once the door is shut, you can not hear or see anything. Unless you were invited in in the past. So me walking into Asuna's house should have been enough proof that I am Prince. But Asuna refused to admit it.

"I wouldn't have been able to enter your house if I wasn't." Ignored. Asuna picked up a knife and went to cut up the meat, but I grabbed her arm. I shall now tell you all a secret, I can cook. Nothing fancy like gourmet, but I can do home styled. My Evil Lego Ambassador of an aunt, ah it's been awhile since I last said that, never cooked me anything, so I always had to make my own food. And we all know I love food, so I taught myself how to cook things other than a PB&amp;J when I was much much younger. Mostly because I wanted to eat food that looked like the stuff in anime and cooking shows.

"Let me do this. I can cook better than you without a doubt." She was about to retort, most likely to tell me how much of a moron I am and that there's no way I'm better than her, but I hip-butted her out of the way with a small grin.

"Seriously Asuna, calm your titties, and let me do one of my few physical talents. Well, actually there are a lot more than a few. I am a Jack of all traits, master of none after all." I hummed a tune, which shall remain nameless, and flipped the knife. It was a serrated bread knife. Serrated works well with cutting slimy meat, but the beefy looking thing in front of me had barely any fat in it. So I put that knife away, and pulled out a carving knife, that is literally what it is called. Hey, hold your horses. The only reason why I know what kitchen utensils are called is because Mrs. Landlord carved open my brain and dumped all her kitchen knowledge into it. I quickly set to work slicing the meat into thin strips, and then put that aside. Next I grabbed some Asuna's soy sauce, labeled soy sauce, a pineapple, believe it or not, some salt, garlic, cream, and chili. I mixed that together to make a hoisin sauce and then fried the meat strips in that. I chopped up leeks, placed it in with the meat, and then cooked up some linguini noodles. You put a tiny bit of oil in the pot before the water boils so that the noodles don't stick together. But too much oil and the noodles end up super gross. Talking from experience here. After everything was nice and cooked, I dished it out on three plates and then grinned. Kirito was drooling, but Asuna looked pissed as hell. She just can't handle my fab-ness.

"Thank you for the meal." I clapped my hands together, and then picked up my fork. Fully intent on eating the food I prepared, but the feeling of having eyes bore craters into my soul quickly destroyed my appetite. I slammed my silverware onto the table and stood up. I did the dramatic point the finger thing and huffed.

"Asuna! If you do not stop the sexual harassment I shall force a kiss upon those pitiful lips for a second time! I do not care if you haven't kissed Kirito yet. I will defile your body till not even Satan would want it! Do I make myself clear?" Both Asuna and Kirito were holding onto each other in terror. I sighed and then sank back into my chair. Before I left, I was the dramatically animated one. Doing all the poses, and the speeches, but now it looks like my place has been stolen by the two love birds in front of me. Sweet, another thing I am easily replaced in..

"I give up. I don't have the mentality to be able to convince rock-headed people like you of my identity. I'll leave then. Maybe Aki will accept me," I sniffed dramatically, and walked over to the door, somehow managing to bump into more things than seconds I have lived. I tossed the door open and leaped super dramatically out the door.

"At least, Aki loves me!" Just as I was about exit through the door, oh how I love that sexy door, Kirito grabbed ahold of my waist and we fell to the floor in a heap. I blinked my eyes open and was greeted by Kirito's dark gray ones. Talk about a reacquiring action. Kirito pulled away, and I tried to sit up which was difficult considering Kirito was straddling me. Now, let me explain in detail what happened next, and I am doing this because of a terrible trait I picked up while abroad. Pervertedness. I smoothed back some of my hair and placed my hand on Kirito's upper thigh. I leaned forward and tilted my head to the side.

"Kirito, you're not hurt are you?" He blinked a few times and he went pop. Like pop, sudden blushing.

"Ah, I-I'm fine." He gulped, and pulled away from me, but I caught his hips in my hands and pulled him back to my chest. I glanced over his shoulder to see an angry but shocked looking Asuna with a sword in her hands. I grinned at her and slipped my fingers under Kirito's shirt, to which he shivered.

"You're so cute, Kirito, like a frightened little rabbit." Secretly I was screaming at myself to stop before I went to far and got safe-zone killed by Asuna. Which is totally possible! I saw it happen to Klein by none other than Asuna.

"Hey Prince, let me go, okay?" I, stupidly I might add, ran a hand through Kirito's hair and gently kissed his neck, which caused another shiver. Asuna raised the blade above her head but then stopped. I quirked an eyebrow at her, and then gripped Kirito's blushing face in my other hand. Asuna turned away from us and then her shoulders sank. But being the total jackass that I am, I didn't notice this as her sign of defeat and continued to sexually harass Kirito. And then I kissed him. It seems like all my kisses will lead me to regrets, and nothing more. Kirito did the manly thing in this and fainted, and Asuna Mach-7 smashed the wall next to my head. I just grinned stupidly at her.

"Well, at least, we now know who's the dominate one in the relationship. Before it was sort of wishy-washy, but now we know that Kirito is just a boy toy." Asuna glared at me with tears dripping down her face and then dashed off into her bedroom. I stared after her in surprise before looking down at Kirito. He was mumbling something about two guys kissing being wrong and how he was taken by Asuna, and that there was no way he was leaving her. I tsked at him, if he was really that loyal to her, he better start showing it, because pretty soon his harem is going to grow another two. Well, one if I can help it. There is no way I'm letting Shion fall prey to this guy. And Leafa or whatever her name is, I should save her too. Kirito just isn't suited to real life. With a long, very tired sigh, I stood up and slowly dragged myself over to where Asuna was crying in her room to apologize. Of course I left Kirito all spazzed out on the floor, it's not like you can blame me or anything. He was asking for it! Last time I saw him he was complaining about me to Agil, and now he doesn't recognize me! I knocked on her door.

"I'm coming in." I opened the door to see the foolish girl crying her eyes out on her bed. I let out another sigh, also something I do more than I like. Like, seriously. Sighing, yawning, sweat dropping happens way-way too often. I walked over to her and sat down on the not squishy bed, and leaned back with my hands placed behind me.

"Listen Asuna, I know you love Kirito. And I know, for the most part, that Kirito loves you. And I know that you know that I'm Prince, but you're refusing to admit it because Kirito is attached to me. But it's not like he actually likes me, it's more out of obligation than anything else. And I don't care for Kirito like that, sure I acted like it once in awhile, but that was just joking around." She didn't stop crying, but I got the feeling that she understood. I sat up properly, and pulled her into a hug with my chin on her head. Having my fully grown body back was nice, not that it looked the same, but I was back to being manly and tall.

"I'm sorry that I'm so biased against you Asuna. It's just I don't particularly like how you treat Kirito." She tilted her head up and glared at me.

"I treat him like I love him!" I snorted and pushed her head back down.

"You act like the aggressive possessive older sister. You get angry over nothing, you flaunt your skills, which are beneath Kirito's, you treat him like a trophy boyfriend, and less like a lover. When Kirito is with you his badass personality disappears and he acts like a weak loser. It annoys me to no end. You should act how I do with Akihiko!" At this Asuna cried even harder than before, and managed to completely ignore that last sentence, thank all the deities out there. Wait, I'm practically a deity so what am I saying?

"But I love Kirito and all he talks about is you. Always Prince this Prince that." I smiled slightly at the thought of Kirito checking up on me in the middle of a romantic moment with Asuna.

"Kirito would go through hell for you, he wouldn't for me. Act more confident, but less aggressive, then I will give you my blessing." For the rest of that night, Asuna cried her heart, her insecurities, her feelings and just about every other thing out there dry. Needless to say, my shoulder was soaked to salty water and snot. I will have no qualms throwing that away, though. Honestly, I would say that Asuna and myself got much closer in our relationship, but I don't know if she will take my advice, or forget it. I do hope she takes it, otherwise I will have to kill her. Asuna ended up falling asleep on me actually, right in the middle of my amazing speech I might add. So I tucked her into her bed, and then went and got Kirito who had passed out from over thinking. After he was safely delivered to the stiff bed of Asuna, I went back into her dining room and cleaned everything up. Now, just to clarify, when I touch objects now, they have a real life-like properties. Like they don't go shatter, you actually have to clean stuff or make it, the weapons actually draw blood and so forth. After I finished that small task, I left Asuna's house and just walked. It had been such a long time since I just got to walk around without worrying about something. I didn't have to worry about pineapples, or aliens, or being stuck in a video game. I was free from intelligence for the rest of that night. But of course, nothing good ever lasts. That and I have the worst luck. I had somehow wandered back into Akihiko's waiting arms, which were incredibly warm and comfy. Why do I think this you ask? I have no bleeping idea. Anyway, I found myself strolling down the halls of the what's it called guild and then bumped into Akihiko. Who just so happened to be the same height, if not a few inches taller than me, although I would bet my left kidney that I still look like a girl next to him. Not like that would be a bad thing with him, just saying. He's not the kind of person to be overly manly in public.

"Well well well, I was beginning to think you had died." I, for the first time ever, snarled at him. How could he give up on me so fast? Speaking of fast, talk about my heart's erratic beating, so not a good side. But can you honestly blame me? Akihiko is like, the once in a lifetime friend you'd go gay for at the slightest sign. Plus it's been so long since I last saw him and we all know that I have gotten rather attached to the man. Although, personally, I think the real reason as to my dramatic heart beat was because of where we were in the story. Almost to the end, which means no Akihiko anymore. Wait, what am I thinking? I can just bring him back to life. Go me.

"Like I would just die off, you forget who you're talking to." He smirked at me, and slipped an arm around my waist. I am a man now, so if it was anything other than friendly I'm afraid I might die.

"Of course, how could I forget that I am with the amazing alien." I humphed but then slapped my hands together in moderate shock.

"That's right! I haven't told you what happened yet!" Akihiko raised an eyebrow at me curiously.

"I've actually been meaning to speak with you, Prince. Come with me." He turned on his heel and walked off towards the private quarters. I stared after him for a few moments and then pushed my body into a jog to catch up with him. The damn man had such long legs, it was like a penguin walking around with a giraffe. Me being the giraffe, heh heh, yeah um. Moving onwards. Akihiko slowed down a little bit after watching me struggle, and then stopped at a door. I hadn't even caught up to him at that point. But no, he just stops. 'Oh it's okay Ted, I'll flaunt my height around you, don't worry you fucking gremlin pop-tart.' Which doesn't even make sense since we were like, the same bleeping height now, like what the fudge ducks Aki? You got legs that stretch when you walk?, Nah, just leave the fucking gremlin poptart, strawberry flavor, by the by. I ran straight into Akihiko's back. Mother of apples, I literally just called myself a fucking gremlin pop-tart in my head. Twice. Alas, I had not the chance to rethink my thoughts, for Akihiko, the bain of my manhood, grabbed my arm and pulled me into the room. Then I slapped myself.

"No Ted, bad. What is with my brain right now? I don't see Aki for a few weeks and suddenly I'm like this?"

"Prince, I am right here." I ignored this and continued talking to myself like the idiot that I am.

"It doesn't matter, just slow down evil Ted." I tossed my hands into the air in frustration. "Breath, just breath. Now, let's backtrack so I can filter out these emotions. We all know that I liked Akihiko Kayaba before this all happened, as in me dying. Then after I met him in that inn, we not only got along better than I had with anyone else, I also told him things that I never told anyone, as in Kirito. I grow attached to the man over the course of who give a shit how long, seriously I don't remember, and then I just disappear for several weeks and don't get to see him. Like damn, of course, while all this was happening I thought I was in love with someone, who turned out to be my younger self. Why don't I remember that happening, though? I must have erased his memory without knowing. Wait, I actually remember erasing my memories, so why and I asking myself this? Humm, if I was to be honest with myself, I'd say that the feelings I developed for myself were just misguided emotions which should have been directed elsewhere. But now that I am free from that stupid thought, my feelings are all over the place, yes that must be it." I was interrupted, very rudely I might add, by a voice in my ear.

"Although I am fascinated to see where this leads, we have important matters to discuss." I nearly jumped out of my skin.

"What the Cruickshank Aki!?" He merely smiled at me and waved at a small table with chairs.

"Take a seat please." I tsked to hide my embarrassment and sat down with a thump.

"Do you want to go first, or shall I?" He smiled again and remained silent. Jerk, how could this happen to me? Oh wait, I can just wipe it from history, yes to over powered characters.

"Okay, so I found out what I really am. Apparently there are five planets including Earth, and I'm from the oldest, which houses the most powerful beings around. Which is pretty rad, but I am half human. This explains why I only just awoke to my abilities, but basically, I'm outside of all laws! And I totally left this game for three weeks, although it only seemed like a day to you guys. My body changed to my 'Invion' version, so yeah. I don't know this just seems weird now. To cut the story short, I'm half alien, and I have unstoppable powers. They literally can do anything, unless I make a contract. Something about after we make a contract, _we _have to keep it till the day we die. Which is like, never. So yeah." Akihiko sighed and rubbed his temples.

"You would make a very terrible informant. That is interesting though, and it ties into what I had wanted to say to you." He rubbed the bridge of his nose and let out another sigh, this one deeper and slightly depressed.

"I am afraid that Kirito and Asuna will be wanting to leave the guild soon, and that Kirito will discover our secret." My inner self-started the fangirl dance. 'He said our secret~' Shut up pervert Ted.

"I am going to reveal the floor boss's room in a week's time.I believe that Kirito will uncover my identity then." Here he paused to stare at me sternly.

"Ted, I would be very grateful if you would remain out of this fight." I crossed my arms and frowned.

"Yeah I understand. Is that it?" He smiled kindly at me.

"Were you hoping for something else?" I rolled my eyes and tried not to start pitching a hissy fit. That would just play into his demonic idea, never trust men with long hair. They are always planning something, wait…..That includes me, and we all know I am far too much of a benevolent guy to do something like plan everyone's imminent demise. Aki sighed, and then ran a hand through said long hair. I followed his movements and then slapped my hands on the table as it acquired to me.

"You lousy little piece of shit. You're planning on dying aren't you?" I glared at him as he shrugged. The damned bastard was going to die, I had forgotten that. In the end of the middle of the first season, when everyone escapes SAO, Akihiko Kayaba dies somehow or another. Like I would allow that to happen. Aki stood from his seat, and gently placed his hands on my shoulders with a smile.

"You know Ted, if you were a woman, I think that I would have fallen in love with you." I raised my eyebrows in surprise. Sooooo many things I could say.

"So," Akihiko placed a hand over my mouth at lightning speed and shook his head.

"Although you are the only friend I have had in awhile, I do not trust the words you were about to speak. Just please, don't make this moment awkward." I frowned at him and then sighed through his hand.

"Might Isefwe fhshre hfemmpt." Before Aki could ask me what I had said, which trust me on this, it was good. There was a loud knock on the door, and Torig, was that his name? The secretary guy who asked me to marry him, I should do something to him before I forget…. Yeah, well that guy was at the door with a stern expression.

"Sir, Kirito, and Asuna wish to speak to you and the council. The others have already been called." I slipped my arms around Aki's waist. To the innocent bystander, it looked like we were embracing. I pulled away and playfully smacked Aki's shoulder, with enough force to damage his HP if we weren't in a safe zone, and giggled.

"Oh Aki, you goof, I thought you said that I get you for the whole evening~" He rubbed his shoulder, even though we can't feel pain in this damned game, and glared at me. Ouch, didn't think his glare power would be on so high after such a childish prank. Torig blushed, and looked away from us with a small frown. Obviously, he did not recognize me. Well, now that I'm in my true glory, darkened skin, longer white hair, extremely pale eyes that look gray and not blue anymore, a more manly (fu fu fu) body, and I'm taller, woot! It's no surprise that Torig didn't realize who I am. In fact, the guy that I stayed with since arriving didn't know who I was.

"Aki, before you go, how did you know it was me?" Aki smirked at me, and then brushed past me to the door. Before be could leave, I raced after him. Hah! Didn't think that I would stay did you? That's lame! I can chase after whoever I want, plus there is no reason for me to stand there dramatically while Akihiko escapes with my information, also dramatically. I do like that word you know, it can mean so many things. Drama queen types, the dramatic flip of the cape, the dramatic flip of the hair which means something entirely different, it gives words a whole new meaning and definition. I do love words, they are so pretty, and you can weave them however you wish. Ahem, off track, again…

"You better tell me or so help me I will go NPC on your ass." The leader of the guild, I keep forgetting the name, don't blame me! Ahem, cough, the leader of the guild glanced down at me, the smirk still there, but kept walking at a very fast pace. Even at my new height, I was having trouble keeping up with him. Poor Torig was practically sprinting after us.

"NPC? I don't see how that could be an insult or a threat." I raised an eyebrow at him and grabbed onto his arm so I wouldn't have such a hard time keeping up.

"Obviously, you have never read ½ Prince. Where do you think I got my name?" Aki stopped at the doors to the meeting room, and then placed one hand on the doorknobs.

"I thought you got it from your last name?" I shrugged my shoulders at him and pushed one of the doors open as he opened the other.

"Nah, that was just a plus." He chuckled and walked over to his seat while I stayed in my spot. Kirito and Asuna were already there and were even holding hands. Ew. I glanced out the windows. Seems like I had been wondering around all night without even realising it. Wait does that mean I skipped breakfast? Ah hell nah! My poor breakfast baby…..

"Hey, don't think you can get out of this, Aki. I will seriously go NPC on you, and since I am the ultimate being, you won't be able to stop me." He chuckled loudly this time, and Kirito glanced at me confused. The little black swordsman cleared his throat in an attempt to capture our attention, but it didn't work. Haha, it never works when I'm around! …. Ignore that rather narcissistic sentence.

"Will you let me deal with this first, at least?" I snickered, and then placed my hands on my hips.

"Hah! You kid yourself, mister. The answer, or I shall sit on you while going NPC on you." The fact that he didn't get the NPC reference just made it all the more beautiful. He sighed, although there was a small smile on his face, and patted the table next to him. I glanced around the room, silently taking in the fact that we were completely ignoring everyone else, and walked towards Aki, and then sitting on the edge of the long table in front of him. My back was to him, so I turned my upper torso to look at him, and then jumped. Aki had leaned forward to the point where we would have kissed if I was shorter.

"It was, well firstly, the expression on your face. Everyone else here is so worn from trying to leave, or figuring out how to live here. But you don't seem to care at all. Your face is always so carefree. Second, no one else would ever come tearing down the hall at a breakneck speed at me. Third, no one else would ever look like you in real life, have you seen yourself, Prince?" I shrugged my shoulders again and shot a glare at the lovers in front of me. Humph, so I have a singularly unique personality that's impossible to not recognize, and yet, yet the two lover birds in front of me failed to do so. Hmm, the game is afoot…. Or however Sherlock said it. Do they even have Sherlock in this time? Holy shit, I forgot that I am in a totally different time! What if they don't have pizza anymore? Would they still have junk food right? It's only been ten years or so. Would everything be the same?

"Prince, now that I have answered your question, may we get on with this meeting?" I pulled myself from my thoughts, and stared at Akihiko. After a few seconds, I nodded my head in a bored manner, and sauntered over to Kirito. I gave him a pat on his shoulder, and looked at him from the corner of my eye as I passed to the door. Kirito had an expression on his face, one that has always stayed with me. It's one that I honestly never thought I would see pointed in my direction. He looked betrayed. It hurt me to see Kirito like that, and it didn't even make sense to me for the longest time. Actually none of this has ever made sense to me. Only weeks ago I was living a normal life, going about my day without a single care to the world. Then I die, end up in not only a different dimension, but also a videogame, meet the main character and become best friends with him. Find out I'm an alien, become best friends with the main villain, get dumped by hero best friend for some girl, meet my dad, go to my dad's world, then come back and it's like BAM! Not that it wasn't like BAM before, but now it's even worse. Sometimes I wonder if this is all but I dream I'm having.

I let out a quiet sigh before leaving the room. I didn't look back as I walked down the halls, nor did I speak to Bach when he started following me about. Well, at first. I mean, it's Bach. We went through everything together, well no but still. It's Bach, and I have been so mean to him lately.

"Okay, what do you want?" Ooh, not the best way to start.

"Are you really Prince? The little dorky kid?" I rolled my eyes at him like a mature adult, well more like gasped in shock and horror, and then grasped at my heartless chest.

"Little dorky kid? Did you just, I can't even. You know, I thought about hanging out with you, talking about my powers and shit, but no." Bach glanced around nervously, and then placed his hands on my shoulders. Whoa, I'm taller than Bach….. I'm- I'm taller than Bach! **I'm taller than Bach!**

"Ted, listen. About your powers….." He sighed loudly. He looked worn, tired.

"Let me guess, your planet wants to use me as a weapon to defeat your enemies, and they're going to try and guilt trip me into it by saying they gave me another chance at life." He raised his eyebrows in surprise.

" 's it exactly. Being half human, you can break contracts. Well, that's what I've been told. As long as you don't use any Invion powers, the contracts don't apply to your human genes. You are literally the perfect weapon." I laughed, and patted his shoulder.

"Don't worry Bach. I don't owe them anything, I was an innocent casualty, although I didn't exactly die since I can't die. So they really can't make me do anything." Bach's expression didn't change though. I frowned down at him, have to get used to that.

"Listen, Bach, my dad taught me everything I need to know. Well, the basics that I needed to know. I sort of got the hang of it all now, and it's totally cool. I might not be the strongest of my race, but I can keep myself from being brainwashed by a power hungry empire. I really don't feel like I owe you guys anything, and I couldn't care less about this war." Bach's shoulders sagged, and he glanced around one last time. When he looked back up at me, I just sort of feel apart inside. Before I left, Bach was like a stone wall to me. He was unbeatable, in a way, and I felt like I could always rely on him for something. But this Bach looked so defeated. He forced a smile on his face, and clapped my upper arm in an attempt to cheer me up, or more likely, cheer himself up.

"I'm proud of you, Ted. You've really changed over your time here, and I couldn't have done better myself. Unfortunately I have to return to my home, they revoked my punishment and they want me on the front lines. They said if I can't convince you to join, then I am to kill you….. but, we both know that's not possible." I puffed my cheeks out and crossed my arms as I thought.

"What if you tell them that you killed me while I was sleeping, and so caught me unaware? The game is almost over, I mean Kirito knows that Heathcliff is really Akihiko Kayaba already, so this world should end soon. I could, you know, fake my death. Change my appearance a bit, get rid of this hair. Then you'll be all good." He forced another smile on his face, and took a step back from me. I felt compelled to ask if I smelled or something, but my smarter side smacked me upside the head.

"Thanks Ted, I really am thankful. I guess this is the last time I'll see you?" I grinned back at him.

"Yup, have fun storming the castle!" He deflated some more, and I got a strong feeling I screwed something up.

"Ted, I uh.. I want to tell you something before I go, but you have to promise me that out will never, for as long as you live or are remembered that you will never meet, seek out, or communicate with anyone outside the Invion and Human races." I raised an eyebrow at him.

"Alright, I promise." This time when Bach smile, it was real. But I knew right away that something wasn't right.

"Ted, Theodore Valiant Prince, I am in love with you." And with that, Bach disappeared from my life with a sudden light and the soft smell of honey and coffee.

**A/N: Here is chapter ten, as I said in the special these chapters are horrible and I am truly sorry. Please bare with me till the end. **


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Eleven:

"Hey, hey Bach this isn't funny! Hey! Bach, you can't just say something like that and end it! You can't do this!" I sank to the floor and slammed it with my fists, my hair draped over my shoulders in a messy silver curtain.

"You can't do this to me Bach! You can't leave me! You promised that you wouldn't leave me till one of us died! You-you can't be gone, not-not after that…." I kept slamming my fists against the tile even after it was nothing but shatters pieces and dust. He couldn't just leave me, not after all we've been through, not after telling me that he's in love with me. My hands stopped, and I sank further on the floor.

"In. He's _in _love with me, not was or am. In. You idiot." Somehow that made it all the more worse. He chose that word, in.

"Ahhh, Bach you _idiot_!" How could I have not noticed? How could I have completely missed this? All those weeks together, we literally lived bed by bed. Sure we weren't together all the time, by there must be something. Some memory of him acting different, wait. That's it.

"Hah! I got you Bach! You're pranking me, aren't you? You're doing this as payback!" I sat up and crossed my arms over my chest. Hah, like this would work on me. I can just zap to him. But that's probably what he wants, so I won't. But, for some weird reason, I felt like even if I did fall for his prank, I wouldn't be able to get the zapping to happen. It wouldn't happen.

(Time skip for author's convenience.)

I stared up at the ceiling as we entered the boss room. If I remember correctly, which is rare indeed, the monster boss lizardy thing is up there, and then boom bazzles on down and kills a bunch of people. But they aren't important to the story so it's okay. Since the world I'm _is _technically fake. Which honestly isn't fair of me to say considering I've lived in here for about, three months? No, it's been far longer at this point. Six months is a lot closer to the time slot. Maybe even longer…. I sighed and looked around the room -judging the best place to plant my perfect ass so I don't have to help. Don't blame me! For some reason I've been super depressed recently. All week I keep mopping but I don't know why. I glanced around the room again and quietly counted the numbers we collected for this slaughter. There was 50 people, but it seemed wrong somehow….

"Hey Kirito, are we missing someone? I feel like someone is suppose to be here, but I can't remember." Kirito drew his swords and looked around.

"No, it looks like everyone is here. Why?" I shrugged my shoulders and drew up my menu. Now it had everything I could create in it. The boss shouldn't show up for ten or more seconds, so I had plenty of time to pick a weapon! Considering this fight is going to be super chaotic, I should properly go with a broad Final Fantasy styled clamore. But I didn't really want to swing around something so clunky, humm….. Maybe two Rune blades? No, too dramatic. Oh! A Rune blade and a Wakizashi! Oh, right, a Rune blade is a sword about as long as a saber, but the blade is thicker, and completely straight. It can be shredded edged or anything really. They are mostly a fictional kind of sword. The funny thing about them is that they can look like anything, anything at all. And a Wakizashi is the smallest of the three sword set you get from Japan. It's about a foot to two feet long, and has the traditional style to it. The armor I changed into was pretty rad too. It differed greatly from my usual style of white, and was in fact black. No racist pun intended for people who can't take a joke. It looks sort of like a padded wetsuit, skin tight, but then over the upper chest, shoulders, forearms, hips, knees and calves it had dark gray leather like stuff, this is the pads. On my feet were these super cool clawed shoes that resembled a dragon's foot, and on my shoulders was large spikes. It had silverish spiked gauntlets, and a high neck that looked more like scales than cloth.

I put my hair into a high ponytail, and then equiped my two swords. It's then that I noticed everyone staring.

"What? Is there something on my face?" Klein gave me a sheepish grin, and rubbed the back of his head.

"Well, Prince. You look kind of hot right now. Even after getting taller, and more dude-ish, you still like a chick when you mess with your hair like that." Before I could give him a proper rebuttal the monster boss decided to drop down. And, of course, landed directly behind me. I had barely any time at all to jump to the side, and away from its large mouth. But I landed too close to someone and we knocked into each other, it was some nameless chick. I quickly helped her up, and then lept to the side again as a large leg come down too close. As soon as we were both out of harm's way, the centipede got super hyper and started to move as fast as a four year old on sugar but was moving around on everything like a snake on silk. I managed to block a few sporadic attacks, but not as many were as lucky as me. The chick I had saved early was knocked right off the platform in mere moments. I gulped and glanced around the room quickly. Everyone was failing a shit ton faster than one would have thought, if only we had….. Someone I can't seem to remember.

I was broken from my thoughts as the tail came swishing back over at me, I blocked with the Rune and then slashed at it with the Wakizashi. The blade nicked the bones a bit but otherwise went shooting from my grip. Too much force it seems?

"Prince, get your head in the game! Stop goofing off!" I glared over at Asuna who was panting slightly. Her face was a bit red from all the jumping around we were doing.

"Shut the fuck up woman, I'm trying." I summoned a second sword and used both to block a very aggressive leg. Asuna jumped closer to me to dodge another leg.

"Come on, Prince! I thought you had those god-powers or something? Use them!" I growled at her. God-powers? What is she talking about? All I can do is summon random shit like Erza from Fairy Tail. No, that's not right.

I twisted to the side as a large chunk of rock came flying at me, and then threw my rune at the bone-lizard-centipede's head. It hit it dead center and the thing reared up screaming. The horribly small group of people left all charged at it's legs and ribs while they had the chance and I pulled up a poor sod that was near death. I quickly pulled a crystal from my bag and used it on the guy. I saved a chick earlier just to have her die on me, didn't feel so good from that. A screech alerted me to the boss's next stage.

"Shit, we only have it down halfway." The man next to me groaned in pain. I dropped him just in time to block another attack from the tail.

"Prince!" I was tossed back and slammed against a pillar, huh, maybe I'm not as powerful as I thought? If I wasn't in the game I'm sure I would have been puking up blood, but instead I just fell to the ground and gasped for air as my life bar went down into the red. Fuck, and here I used to think this battle would be easy. I pulled out my only other health crystal and used it on myself. My health went up to yellow, but no farther than that. I stood up and summoned a bigger sword, more like a Final Fantasy one. 'Bout time I get serious.

With a dramatic yell I leap at the boss and land on it's lowered tail. I start running up the side with my blade dragging along the side. The blade was leaving huge grooves between the bones, big enough to cause the boss some real problems.

"Kirito! Go for the joints!" I glanced down to see Kirito had heard me and was slicing at the marks I had made along the joints. I made it to the base of the skull faster than I wanted too, with one last glance around me I jabbed my sword between the joints of the skull and the vertebrae. There was a loud crack and then everything stilled, there was no sound, there was no movement. And then, far too slowly, the head started rolling forward and the boss health crept down. It didn't slow as it hit red, nor did the head stop until it was completely detached and falling freely to the ground. The bones shattered under me and I dropped to the floor with a huge grin on my face. Akihiko jogged over to me and clapped my back happily.

"You did it, my friend! You took it down in one swipe!" He peered down at me curiously, his inner developer shining forth. "How did you kill it though? It's taken us over half an hour just to get the HP down to yellow, and that ended with half of us….. Dead.." His voice dropped as he said this and a solemn air filled the room. I shrugged my shoulders.

"Doesn't matter if it's a game or not. It was just a skeleton. I think the developers weren't thinking on that part because they made it function just like any other skeleton. If you break apart the joints it's movements stop. I noticed that more damage was dealt when we hit the ball joint's or thinner parts of the bone that when we just went at it. So with chopping off half it's back legs on one side, damaging the rest of that half, breaking most of it's ribs, of course it's health would go down." Kirito's face appeared next to Akihiko's shoulder. He glanced angrily at the man before turning his glare on me.

"But, how did you know?" I shrugged again.

"Well, all skeletons are weakest at the base of it's neck. The boss has to have a weak point, and what better place than somewhere you'd never be able to reach unless you have high agility and a big ass weapon. Think about it, even in game terms, unless it's pre-thought; nothing can survive without a head. Even a wear Alien vs. Predator centipede skelly." Kirito eyed me for a few more seconds before turning to face Akihiko fully.

"Now, one more question. You're Akihiko Kayaba, aren't you." There really wasn't a question in that, nope. Definately a statement.

"I was watching you during the battle, of course I had my suspicions. The leader of the best guild in the game who's life never goes into the red zone. During our match is when I started suspecting you. There was no way you could have dodged me like you did." Akihiko smiled shamelessly.

"Ah, you found out. I was going to wait until we got to the top floor. Can't you see it? Leader of the Knights of the Blood turning out to be the final boss? I suppose…" He pulled up his menu before anyone could react and suddenly everyone slumped to the floor. I unfortunately landed face first. I tried to turn my head so I could glare at Aki. How could he betray us like this? He even told me I was his best friend, how could he do this to me? Was I just a pawn to him too?

"Don't look at me like that, Ted. You should understand more than anyone else." I enhanced the force of my glare.

"What the fuck are you talking about? I thought we were friends? You couldn't even tell me or give me a warning?" He quirked an eyebrow at me.

"But Ted, I did tell y-" His eyebrows shot into his hairline and he stared at me in amazement. His face grew puzzled and his head tilted to the side. Kirito growled and I realized he was still standing.

"Shut it, Kayaba! Why would you do this?" Aki, no, Kayaba signed. The bastard.

"It seems that my dearest Ted forgot our promise. Oh well. I will move along as planned." I honestly can't tell you what happened next because I don't remember. All I could see was blurred images and all I could hear was my own sobs. I've, I've never been one for crying…. But even people like me suffer sometimes. I couldn't see Kirito and that bastard fight, I didn't see why Kirito suddenly seemed so depressed, I saw nothing. All I could do was cry and cry and cry, for what I don't even know. I just felt so sad and I couldn't stop it.

"Prince? What are you doing here?" After what felt like hours but was probably ten minutes, I sat up and wiped away my eye blood. Kirito was leaning down at me with his hands on his knees and a curious expression on his face. I glanced around us in surprise, instead of the boss room I was greeted with an amazing sunset over nothing but clouds. Off to the side was the blasted floating castle we were trapped in, wait, if it's over there, and I'm over here… I promptly started screaming.

"Kirito you did it! You did it, you beat the boss! You finished the game!" I stood up and grabbed the little guy into a bear hug. We twirled around happily for a few minutes before a dainty little cough broke my moment. Asuna was standing off to the side with an awkward expression gracing her face and her hands clasped firmly behind her back. I let Kirito drop to the ground and grinned at her.

"Hey hey Asuna. Guess what?" She glanced nervously between the fallen swordsman and myself before shrugging her shoulders. I pounced at her with a gleeful shriek and tackled her to the ground.

"We're free, Asuna! We're out of the game! We can go home now.." My happiness was tinted with the smallest bit of sadness. Oh well, although being in the game _was _fun, I'll get over it. Asuna grinned back at me and held out a hand to Kirito, who sat down next to us calmly.

"You're right, Prince. We are free and we can go home now." Kirito smiled gently and grabbed Asuna's open hand. I got off her and scooched over to Kirito's free side before tossing my legs over the little edge of whatever it was we were sitting on.

"Hey, I've always wondered this, but what are your real names?" Asuna tilted her head at Kirito's question but answered all the same.

"Asuna, Asuna Yuuki." We both chuckled.

"You used your real last name?" She blushed at my teasing.

"Oh yeah? Well then what's yours?" I grinned back at her and opened my mouth to tell them, but I froze. My name? My real name? I have a real name, but why…...why can't I remember it? I closed my mouth.

"It's okay, you don't have to tell us if you don't want to. Mine is Kazuto Kirigaya." I shook away the strange feeling in my stomach and smirked at him.

"Kazuto Kirigaya? Geeze, both of you and your lame gamer names. Obviously you got your 'Kirito' from using different parts of your real name, and Asuna here used her _actual _real last name. You two are made for each other, you know that right?" Kirito tsked at me, but his response was interrupted by a certain villain.

"Your name isn't any better, you know." All three of us jumped up and faced the asshole that trapped us in a game for two years.

"Akihiko Kayaba. What do you want? We beat the game, we get to go free now." Akihiko gave us a closed eye smile and tilted his head to the side.

"Yes, you did defeat me. You defeated my world and I thank you for that, Kirito. You were the hero I wanted." I eyed the man with a frown. The weird feeling was back.

"Prince, I.." I narrowed my eyes.

"What? What do you want? As far as I remember we don't even know each other, so what could you possibly want from me?" Kirito pulled on my sleeve gently.

"Prince? Are you okay?" I shrugged off his hand.

"Why? A bit pissed at this guy, but other than that I'm fine." Kirito and Asuna both gave me a concerned look.

"But you and Kayaba, you both are pretty good friends. Or at least you were good friends." I raised an eyebrow.

"Uh, no. This is the first time I've actually talked with the guy." Kayaba sighed and rubbed his face slowly.

"I thought something was wrong at the boss fight. Prince,Bach made me promise him that if you started going crazy I'd smack some sense into you. But it seems I only have a few minutes left before you leave. I sorry I couldn't keep his promise. And, and I'm sorry that I'm not letting you come with me. I know you wanted to…" I gasped at him in shock. Say what now? Who's Bach? He gave Kirito a stern look.

"Kirito, you owe me nothing. But I'd like to ask a favor of you. Will you please help Prince? I can't anymore, so please help Prince in place of me and Bach… Since he can't ever help again." A feeling of dread entered my chest and I bent over in pain. I clutched at my chest helplessly and groaned. Why, why do I feel so horrible inside?

"I will." Those were the last words spoken before everything turned into nothing but whiteness.

**A/N: Hey, so here's the next one. I hope all of you are crying as much as I am. Please be crying so I don't feel like a worthless worm...**


	14. The end

CLOSING OF ALL ENDS:

**Kirito:** Kirito woke up in a hospital bed just like he was suppose to. He met with the officials and traded information on SAO for information on Yuuki Asuna and the strange player known as Prince with long pale hair. He found Asuna like he was suppose to, but didn't manage to get any information on his other friend. After two years pass, Kirito is recruited to find a killer known as Death Gun, in a game called Gun Gale Online. He meets Shion, like he's suppose to, but soon after completing that little mission he bumps into a rather familiar looking face on the way home. Apparently Prince hadn't woken up even after everything with Asuna had been cleared, and instead had just woken up remembering nothing. Kirito takes in Prince, giving him that name as his real one since neither know his real name, and they live together as best friends till Kirito and Asuna get married. Kirito lives happily ever after.

**Asuna: **Asuna wakes up half deaf like she's suppose to after being saved by Kirito. She joins him in his search for Prince, but is also unsuccessful. Her story continues just as it should without any major hiccups. She and Kirito get married when they're older and move into a small apartment a few blocks down from Prince. They have three children together. Asuna Lives happily ever after. 

**Akihiko: **Akihiko Kayaba's body was found less than a month after everyone was freed from the game. It seemed like he had been dead for a long time at that point, but unknown to everyone he had actually successfully managed to upload his mind onto the internet where he enters and leaves all sorts of onlines games, living as he wants in each one. He helps Kirito a little bit, and leaves Kirito his precious egg. After that he finds Prince wondering aimlessly around and sends him back to his body. Akihiko finally found his dream, although he was lonely, he continued and ended up living forever in the internet, causing problems and fixing problems as he sees fit.

**Hassan: ** After communications between himself and his son were completely cut off, he decided to get revenge on the four warring planets. Since he was a master at finding loopholes he managed to create and entire army which drove the Pineapple, Papaya, Dragonfruit, and the Grapefruits into extinction. Sadness overwhelmed him because he blamed his beloved's death and now his son's on himself and after completely slaughtering every single person on all four of the planets personally, he died from grief. The rest of his kind soon followed his example, finding life to be meaningless without their king to keep them happy, and thus humans were the only intelligent forms of life left in the entirety of the universe. Hassan was secretly very happy to die because he wanted to be with Nura again, something he had desired for thousands of years.

**Artoria:** Artoria moved on after the girl outside the MOST comforted her. She disowned her parents and wrote a book about her little Ted and her sister, quickly becoming a world class author for her new and interesting ideas. Soon after that she wrote a story about a white demon that emitted darkness that stole away the innocent girl, creating the extremely popular series 'The Darkest White'. Five years after the death of her nephew her parent's died alone in a car crash, being too proud to call for help and sadly dying from their stupidity, literally. This left Artoria a very wealthy woman. The same year Bach came to visit her, followed by other officials from the Pineapple kingdom who erased her memory, making all things with other worldly beings seem like nothing more than a dream. A dream she profited off of quite a bit. After ten more years she settled down with a charming man her age, and had one child who she insisted on naming Ted, although no one knows why.

**Mr. &amp; Mrs. Prince:** They did not for a second care about what the girl told them. Not even when they were laying in the snow five years later dying, too proud to call for help. Their horribleness lead to the author deciding that they would magically reincarnate as worms, but that they retained their memories from their human life. They continued to live and die over and over. The purpose of this punishment the author decided to give them was so that they could work off their sins one by one, and over time climb up the ladder and back to being humans so they may properly repent. But sadly they never understood that they were wrong and so continued to live tortured lives as insects over and over. The author regrets nothing.

**SAO WORLD:** The world and story of SAO continues as the original author wanted it to. This author has no intention of trying to fix something when the author themself sucks at fixing things and only asks that anyone who has the ability to do such wonders to the story without making another Mary Sue, or Gary Stu, or actually doing anything that someone who likes the story would do, to fix the damn thing. The author would very much like to read a fanfiction about SAO that isn't angst, hurt, suspense or anything like that. Instead the author would like to read something funny, and thrillIng. Something that makes the story of SAO seems less like a cesspool of stereotypes, typical, and boring harem-ness.

**Bach:** After making the deal with Ted that would erase all memories tied with anything from another world, including Ted's own world which would erase Ted's memory of his own name, Bach returned to his world to await his punishment for not getting the Human mix to join the Pineapple kingdom. The Pineapples are kind of all shit heads, actually all the fruit people are shit heads so the author regrets not killing them all off sooner. Bach fell madly in love with poor Ted during their time together, and really has no idea why he cares for the human so much. So he pretends that Ted was taken by his father for good and that there is no way of getting him to join. Bach is tossed into prison and labeled as a traitor to the cause. But he's okay with that because it means Ted can have a normal life. He secretly watches Ted go about the next two weeks in SAO through the magical medallion he kept hidden from his superiors. Bach is very sad that he couldn't properly confess to Ted, and that he will never know Ted's response. He also cried a lot as he watched Ted forget him in only a few minutes, and he cried a lot more when he saw how hard Ted tried at remembering him. Great, now the author is crying. Bach was sentenced to regain his honor by fighting on the front lines, but unfortunately, and the author really is sad about this… This is when Hassan goes mad and releases his army. Bach fights bravely but is (and the author is seriously bawling at this point) Bach dies on the first day of battle. As does the rest of the Pineapple army and the Grapefruit army and the Dragonfruit army and the Papaya army. Bach died Ted never finds out because Ted is forever locked away from that life.

**Karl:** Now the author is sure you're all wondering about this. Karl is the second pineapple that gave Ted his second life. Karl was actually a supreme being, more powerful and god like than even the Invions, and had been watching the inter-galactic war since the beginning. Karl believed that Ted was capable enough to save everyone but things didn't go as Karl wanted. Karl watched in horror as the story unfolded and cried many tears when Bach died. Karl searched the battle field after the war was over and recovered Bach's Medallion which is keep safe till a new owner is found. Karl searches far and wide, and after many years Karl finds an owner for it. Karl leaves it wrapped in pale blue paper on the doorstep of this person's home and then sadly disappears into nothingness. Karl is happy the things ends, but Karl still cried at the thought of Karl's favorite person dying. Karl is the author.

**Ted:** Ted wakes up with no memory about his life before he got into the game SAO. He doesn't even remember half the stuff that happened in the game, but feels like he needs to remember. He leaves the hospital in a frenzy and literally runs into Kirito who takes him under his wing. Ted freaks out whenever he sees fruit at this point, and after many hard hard years, he manages to start living a normal life. Although he often dreams about strange pineapples in speedos and sunglasses. Ted lives fairly normally and after Kirito introduces him to Shion, they start dating. To Asuna's eternal happiness. But even with gorgeous Shion Ted just can't seem to settle. One day after Asuna gives birth to her second kid, Ted comes home from work to find a little blue box on his steps. He opens it to find a palm sized medallion with weird chicken lettering on it and what looked like a pineapple. Ted feels weirdly attached to it and starts crying because he feels like someone he cared for more than anyone else was dead but he doesn't know who died or when, or even why he feels like this. He hide the medallion and tries to forget it. Sadly for him the author feels a bit depressed and so Ted was never able to forget the medallion. After a few more years pass he goes out to drink with Klein who gets super drunk and starts talking about their time in SAO. Klein repeatedly mentions a man named Bach, which rings a bell in Ted's mind but he can't place it. After some digging he corners Kirito and makes him spill the beans. Kirito tells Ted everything he knows about him and Bach, and Ted finally remembers. He found the loophole in the deal, being human. By using human means alone he was allowed to regain his memories and everything connected to Bach and the other aliens. Ted then heads off into space to see his dad, but finds that all life forms have been killed off. Ted gets super depressed after finding out that everyone was either killed or died in some way and heads back to earth. FUCK IT ALL He then realizes what the medallion is and with a few tries he successfully masters necromancy and then brings Bach to life and Ted dumps Shion so he can live with his best friend and now soulmate and Bach and Ted go on all sorts of adventures together and they actually live happily ever after because I really fucking want Ted and Bach to be happy because these two mean a lot to me, and I love my boys very much.

Thank you for reading the story about Evil Pineapples, I hope that one day I will be able to go back and fix everything, but seeing how my life is now super crazy in every meaning of the word and I'm too unmotivated to even play video games anymore I find it unlikely that I will ever go back and edit this. I really wanted to do more, but alas I am just not a writer.

Fare well, I am really happy that this is over now, even if it was a horrible ending. I hope this completed even a small part of you guys and that you won't try and hunt me down and kill me. I did give Ted and Bach a happy ending so….. I am very sorry and I love you all very much.

Love Geldidastulto


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